Today I went with C&K to see Caravan Parade at Stern Grove. They are like a cross between Triplets of Belleville and Rosin Coven. They call their music electro swing with some jazz thrown in. I like some of their songs very much but they do wear on the nerve over time. My favs are the ones without the girl singing, just the guys playing and the DJ guy doing weird things to his voice in a microphone.

Friday was going to see Richard Lewis at Cobb’s comedy club with a friend. I remember Richard Lewis from years and years ago and he is getting on in years. His act was stories that wandered all over the place and he had a hard time remembering what he was talking about before he went of on a tangent. There were lots of laughs but I felt unsatisfied because there were at least 6 threads left hanging that I could remember. A lot of story set up without the punchline conclusion.

Before the show, my friend and I had loads of time to find dinner. I got a chance to explore without needing to worry about my food issues. I forgot how much I love that. We wandered many blocks in North Beach and on a side street we found Cafe Maria (http://www.yelp.com/biz/cafe-maria-san-francisco). I am hesitant to give it rave reviews because it will become packed and unavailable. It gets as many stars as I can give. It is very much a local’s restaurant. Some patrons told us it was good and relatively cheap while we were wandering by and checking out menus. One of them gave us some parmesan from a big wheel. It was the customers welcoming us that sold me on the place (and the prices were a step under the prices we had seen on Columbus).

Usually I like to not engage in chit chat with the staff but it felt very warm and welcoming here. They gave us a table in the back near a door that could be opened (I was overheated from walking). They gave us olives and bread w/ butter. When I finally got around to tasting the bread, it melted in my mouth. Oh, it was good european bread. The place was mostly seafood but that didn’t bother me. I was in a really good state. I got to explore and find something new and good. I felt comfortable and welcomed. I felt safe and like there was something I would be able to eat without worry. I was really happy, like I haven’t been in a long time. I would get bouncy and bubbly and other times I just sat there with a smile on my face soaking the feeling it. I had cheese and spinach ravioli with half cream tomato sauce and half pesto sauce. My friend had the pasta bolognese which looked and smelled wonderful (but was too spicy hot for me sadly). The waitress took good care of us even though she had two tables of 13 she was also taking care of. The owners would check in with us and talked with us. They are trying to figure out what they want to have for their dessert menu and was interested in suggestions. Half the staff is Brazillian. I would love to see it serve pasta and the meat on a stick. That would be fun.

It has great reviews on yelp already. I am sure it will get swamped and will no longer be a great tucked out of the way place, *sniff*. I will remember it fondly as a place where I was actually happy.

Wed, a friend treated me to Mrs Warren’s Profession at Cal Shakes. I can recommend this as well. Cal Shakes is a wonderful site for plays, they have food which is reasonable for captive audience prices. Mrs Warren’s dresses were incredible and I loved watching her move in them. It takes place in Victorian England. The accents were so well done that I had a hard time remembering I wasn’t watching something on PBS or listening to NPR. The evening was perfect. I had been warned it gets very cold and it was a warm night and needed a long sleeve shirt over my tank top. It was hot when I got there but cooled off enough by the time the play started. It was nice to see a performance.

Besides mooching bridge toll, all this was damn cheap. My friend treated me to the play because he had comps and liked to have company. Stern Grove was free (a friend gave me a dollar to donate). I paid $6 in fees for the free ticket to the comedy club and I paid $12 for dinner. Really, all I need is people to do things with. I really wanted to go to the Neverwas Haul open house which was free (they were selling food and drink for $5 to raise money) and because I was on my own, I never made it out of the house. I had people to meet there but they would be there with or without me. It feels like a switch: With someone=go, just for myself=don’t move.

There is a science comedian that I would like to see for $10 coming up. Shows I can get free tickets to (pay just the fees) is a show about filming the Life of Brian with Monty Python’s Flying Circus Aug 15th and another one I think from the Netherlands called Men: A User’s Guide Aug 20th. Both of these are part of the SF Improv Festival. I have a party to go to in two weeks that I really hope I can get myself to. Last year I was in the zone and it was wonderful. The year before, I was so out of step that I felt awkward and miserable. The year prior to that, I couldn’t get myself to go at all.

I have therapy on tues and maybe a get together on Fri. That is all I have for the entire week. One more therapy session next week and then that party. I feel like I am putting so much effort into finding people to do things with and am always needing to put more energy in and that I am starting to run out of steam.

Pretty good day today. I didn’t have any plans and figured I would be having some down time to make up for the pressures of Thursday and Friday. I woke around 10 am, checked email and drank a shake. Then I fell back to dozing. I love LaLaland I got a 3pm phone call from H. Back when I was being productive on Friday, I had emailed him asking to use his computer and software to update some work I had previously done. He was calling to tell me that yes his computer was available today.

Well I had some other ideas that were bobbing around in my head. I was very out of it and couldn’t sort out reasonable and over the top so I told him all the ideas. He said they all sounded good. Since we both needed to eat, I headed out to pick him up. More ideas poured out.

We loaded up at the grocery store and since H agreed to do the cooking more ideas show up in my head. H finally called a halt to it because I was getting rather manic. I was still slightly out of it from not quite making it back in to reality from dreamland.

H do the core cooking and I did bits and pieces around the edges, mostly prep-cook stuff. We ate sloppy joes, corn on the cob, and fresh peaches and bananas on angel food cake with whipped cream sweetened with honey. I have four flavors of honey right now.

In addition to our meal, we made Noodles by the Seasnore (family name for hamburger, velveta, pasta, tomato soup, etc.) and little hamburgers sealed with Kitchen Bouquet. I am stuffed and am having a hard time not digging into the other meals because they are childhood favorites. I am very pleased.

I was still somewhat frantic and throwing myself at things to get stuff done, shaking a little. Mostly good. H dozed out a little from food coma and I kept sorting and cleaning. I have even more living room floor and my tv project is about a third done. I also got the software issue taken care of. I think we got done most of the things from my list of possibilities and made three different foods for me to use as leftovers for the next week or so. I need to separate some of it and put it into the freezer. H had a good time from getting to hang out and do stuff together and be at my place instead of his for a change.

All in all, a successful, productive, and good day. Until I got home from dropping H off, I felt like I was a little out of step. I didn’t really have a chance to get my head before my feet, it was a little lagging. But it ended up being ok. I am not sure if someone that doesn’t know how to get along with me would be able to deal. Basically everything that I was thinking ended up getting put out there and sorted through by both of us. We are used to this idea so it wasn’t a problem. I can imagine a number of times I might have stepped on someone’s foot with how I was running today.

It is an odd cap to this week’s events. I feel like I have been spinning up like I do when I am having a blast but without the fun bit. The fun level is down near the ground like when I am grounded. It is pleasant and good without being hyper and running at full tilt. So the feeling of spinning is at odds with my actual experiences and it feels weird. I sort of don’t know what to make of it.

Another friend was suppose to come north to go to Sunday Service with me but he opted out. I am sad because I was looking forward to it and I don’t have any other plans for Sunday. I felt it would be good for me to go but I don’t want to go alone.

I am doing much better. I have been awake for at least 40 hours. Spent 3 hours doing an intense enneagram download (an emotional slam of a different sort than previous ones) and have just spent 2.5 hours soaking in PPT on the PC and Mac.

Damn, I feel I should be worried about how much I like that program. I feel calm and smart and almost ready to kick some computer butt. Some people soak in hot tubs, I soak in PPT.

Today’s consumables have been a burger and fries from In & Out, 2 chocolate pudding cups, delightful mushroom/cheese/pasta and an ear of corn, and a mini 1,000 grand candy bar. I haven’t really stopped moving since I got home from shopping to find everything coming together all at once.

Dinner with a friend and enneagram education took me to an edge that I could feel very deeply. It was no more pleasant that the other emotional slams but it was the complete opposite direction and the type of thing I am more than pleased with to be doing. It is something that feeds me deeply. It is a very good thing.

I was able to visit another friend and his wonderfully large computer monitors and play with both a Mac and a PC, PPT 2004 and 2010. I cleaned up and made so much better the PPT animation sample I have. I have a hard time believing I spent over 2.5 hours doing that. Not being at home when I am working seems to be a big deal. Or it could be the computer system. So much larger and at an actual desk. At home I have a laptop and a mini while sitting on my couch where I sleep. I do take the laptop (which seems HUGE after the mini) to the library to work sometimes but that hasn’t seemed to be that different than working from home. *Gasp* could it be that I actually like the newer version of PPT? That Microsoft did something right when they released an upgrade? Don’t get too excited. Something I loved that they added to PPT 2007 seems to have gone away in 2010.

I am thinking that maybe everything coming together like it is/did might be to tell me/show me that not only will I survive hurting like that, I have the ability to handle it and make things work. I would rather not do it over and over. I still am shaking and I don’t feel like sleeping. I don’t want to try not moving. I still have the stuff from the store to put away. Good thing there is nothing to melt or go bad.

Still here. Still functioning (as well as always). More in touch with why it is all worth it after tonight. Still feels like crap but it seems more like worthwhile crap.

(yes I am aware I am being melodramatic. That is how it feels right now. It seems to be coming at me in waves. It will pass or so I am told by the voice of reason when it can be heard over the other little voices in my head.)

Things feel sort of like they are running away with me right now. Lots of things are coming down on me and I am needing to deal and I don’t have the resources to deal with. I have verbally/textually bleed this into a number of places so I am putting copies here to keep track. Maybe this is all coming together right now to push me into my old modes of dealing where everything becomes Happy Happy Joy Joy and I am fucking AWESOME instead of the emotional wreck I am right now.

here there be dragons and there is no one to hold my hand

I probably have posted a definition of Thought Presents before. But I wrote out a way to explain it that I think is rather concise (more so than previous ways) and I wanted to preserve it.

There is a saying; The thought behind the gift that is important part.

When you see something or think of something that you would like to give to someone but for some reason it isn’t practical (it is too much, they wouldn’t have room, it doesn’t really exist, etc), you can give them the thought instead.

This is what I call a thought present.

This is something I seem to be hitting hard lately. When an apology is given, it seems that many people then add the word but and fill in an explanation. This ends up negating most of the apology and makes it more of a defense mechanism. If the sentence end after the apology and a new sentence starts with the explanation, it comes across as a real apology and info rather than the apology as an opening to get the info out there and justify whatever the apology was about.

I am sorry I stepped on your foot but I couldn’t see where I was going.

vs.

I am sorry I stepped on your foot. I couldn’t see where I was going.

To me, the difference is huge. The first feels like the person is saying don’t be mad at me, it wasn’t really my fault or I couldn’t help it. The second sounds like the person really is sorry and they are giving the information of how it came about. I appreciate the info because that is useful in figuring out how to avoid having it happen again.

This seems so very obvious to me. Yesterday, I had two people that care for me a lot give me apologies that I very much needed and deserved with the word “but” included. And it added to the hurt already present. I think it took this big of an issue for me to see how deal the word “but” is. When you aren’t all that close to someone it is easier to absorb the difference between an real apology and a defensive apology. When it is someone important and the hurt is large, there isn’t any room to handle a difference.

I don’t know if this is just a me thing or not. It seems to me that the feeling of needing to put in the word “but” really is a feeling the need to defend ourselves and get out there that we didn’t mean to hurt or it wasn’t our fault or whatever. Our need to not be in the wrong is more important than the apology we are giving.

I am under the impression that I have avoided the word “but” in my apologies. I don’t know if I have because I haven’t been watching for it and can only go back a little to see if I have recently. If anyone knows otherwise, I would appreciate having it pointed out to me (gently) so I can go back and see what I might have been thinking or feeling at the time and see if it fits with this new theory of mine. I don’t know if this has always been my way, I sort of doubt it being as I am a human like everyone else but I do think I have been doing this at least since 2005 maybe 2004. A lot changed for me back then and I think this could be one of the things that got rewired.

I think I have avoided the “but” because I have owned that I have done something that has caused someone to need an apology and the apology is for them, not for me. If they deserve an apology, then they deserve one that is heartfelt and complete. After the apology is done, then I can go on to give them whatever more information I think is relevant. Sometimes the apology is about how things have impacted them and I don’t feel I have done anything wrong. There is no defense in it for me, it is all for them and making them feel better. I already know that I am in the clear and I don’t need them to feel the same way. Part of how I word my apology includes that. I know I was doing this at least by 2006. I tell someone that I am sorry they got yelled at when they showed up, they didn’t deserve that sort of treatment. I don’t say I am sorry I yelled at them because at the time there wasn’t any other way for me to deal with anyone. At times like that I don’t even add the additional information.

When you hurt someone you really care about, you really want them to know you didn’t do it on purpose. It would be really easy for the word “but” to come into play. Or if someone is really angry with you over something you have said/done then the word “but” gets used to put in a defense. Both times, the focus really seems to be defending yourself rather than taking care of the other. The first case is really hard because you think you are taking care of the other rather than yourself but you are actually trying to replace your point of view for theirs while they are hurt. Their point of view needs to be acknowledged and taken care of before your point of view can be brought forth. Since being hurt it an emotional thing, it is already too late for rational explanations to make it better.

The more you hurt, the most you need your feelings taken care of before you can hear what led to the hurt. To have your feelings taken care of means to have them seen, heard, understood, and appreciated. They are your feelings, there is no right or wrong about them.

(this last bit is/was hard to write out. I don’t know if that means it is too close to home to feel easy to say, if it hasn’t been chewed on enough to be a complete idea, if I don’t feel I have managed to write it out well enough for it to make sense to others, or if it something I am writing out not so much for myself but for someone else to see.)

I am tired of reaching out. I am tired of trying. I am tired of pumping energy out and allowing myself to feel the need for contact with others and not be able to make it happen.

I had some emotional battering today and feel I have no safe harbors to retreat to. I hate hurting and I hate crying. I hate that those that are suppose to keep me from hurting are the ones that led me there.

As I repeat to myself over and over, it will be different after some time has past. Tomorrow may not be any better but at least it will be different.

Yeah, there is a light at the end of the tunnel but I still feel deeply in the tunnel with little to no energy to move. As some people say, A quiet Gina is not a good thing.

Why would I ever want to wake up?

I have spent the entire day asleep dreaming incredible dreams. I was going to list out all the wonderful things that happened in my dream that are so much better than reality.

It was time for a phone call from my mom. she forgot to call yesterday. We spent most of the time going over something she has gotten wrong for over the last 20+_ years about my former ex0fiance and my relationship. She has chosen his delusion over mine and followed what she considered the “easiest” way of describing it based on the way “society” dictates.

open mouth, let out rant

A button of mine got triggered recently and I got to see how much of a trigger it has.

I am not a pretty person. I am a person that can be pretty. I can also look bad, weird, etc. I like the fact that I can look like many things. A part of my personality that I like the most is my silly side. It is also a part of my personality that gets me in trouble with “normal” people.

story/rant time

I feel like I might not be getting anywhere. A friend pointed out that I am no better than I was a year ago. I know there have been changes and forward movement but I find them hard to point to and I can see where she is coming from. Because this is being pointed out from the outside, I am passing it along to my therapist for their input. I did the same with my panic attack and both of them grabbed ahold of it a lot more than I expected.

When I was living in Belgium with my fiance, both of my parents stopped tooting my horn and saying how wonderful I was and how I could do anything. It was an odd lack. I didn’t realize how much support was in every interaction with them until it was gone. It took a while to figure out what it was that was gone. Independently they both felt that when I hooked my wagon to C’s that I stopped being someone that could go out and conquer the world. They saw how I placed myself in his hands and was something of a puppet of his. It wasn’t as bad as it sounds (it would take a lot more words to describe it at the level it was) but my fire, the thing that makes me me was dampened.

I feel like maybe I am in a state where I am dampened down again and the people that care about me are holding back and not saying anything. Or it could be that I am not in a position to be able to hear it. I would rather learn from that previous lesson and be more proactive. But by throwing the question out there, it opens up so many possibilities that I don’t know what to do again and I don’t know if I will be losing what I have been working towards. I have stepped back time and time again when I have found that I went too far too fast. Just because it is hard, I don’t want that to stop me. I want to move forward in the way I can and in a way that is good for me.

what does the online tarot have to say