Monthly Archives: November 2006

New Wave City the Sat

I am thinking about going to New Wave City this Sat (Dec 2). It is Depeche Mode tribute night.

I have need to exhaust myself to my normal con levels for a sleep study and am hoping to dance the night away to do so. I would make more definite plans but I have a number of other things going on that day and may not make it to New Wave City.

I am putting this notice out there if anyone wants to come an play.

Airport entry (delayed until I got back)

(posted now that I am home from con)
This is freaky weird. I am flying today. It is a holiday, Thanksgiving, when so many people travel. We have an Orange terror alert. The airlines have massive restrictions on what you can take on board. We have gotten to a point where we need identification everywhere. And I love it. It is probably one of the best airport experience I have had. Everything is so smooth and efficient. No problems, no delays, everyone is nice and working together.

One of the reasons I stopped flying a couple of years before 9-11 was how uncomfortable the experience was. The trip to and from the airport was a pain. What do you do with your car, what friends can ferry you. The time through security was necessary but tedious. Being locked in a box with my knees squished while in flight was a pain. There was nothing enjoyable about air travel.

Now, things move so smoothly getting to the gate I am all weirded out. I don’t mine the flight so much because it is only an hour to LA and uncomfortable instead of the entire experience being miserable. Even baggage claim seems easier and smoother.

Many people complain about needing IDs to fly, about the variance in what TSA will make a fuss over, about the terror alert levels. I have had good experiences every time I have been pulled aside to be checked over. I appreciate that they are looking into things like this. I don’t really think they are catching terrorists at this level but it does show that effort is being made and I think that keeps the low/mid level terrorists from going forward. The people I have dealt with have been pleasant and willing to have fun with it (within limits). I actually enjoy the interaction. I was somewhat disappointed this time that since I didn’t have a one way ticket I didn’t get pulled aside and I have figured out the system enough that I don’t dig any of the scanners anymore. I had no one to talk to and tell how impressed I am with the way people are handling all the extra stuff.

I wish more things could be treated with as much cooperative effort that I saw today at the airport on one of the highest travel days of the year.

On wants/needs/desires

Over time, I have determined that I don’t “want” the way most people do. For me the definition is a little different. Wants are very close to Needs but it doesn’t threaten my survival if I don’t get them.

If I Want something, I will work on getting it. If I can’t have it, then I will work on not Wanting it.

What I see other people calling Wants are what I call Would Likes. I would like more space in my apartment. I would like good food to eat. I would like more clothes. I would like more space to put the stuff I currently have. I would like to work more cons. I would like to see my friends.

If someone says they want something, I automatically start the process of figuring out how to get it for them. A boyfriend (at the time) did his standard “I want a donut” one evening. I had noticed that we were one parking lot over from a strip mall that had an open donut shop. He was quite surprised when I drove out into the street and turned right away into the next door parking lot stopping in front of the donut shop. He then had to explain to me that he didn’t really want a donut, he wanted the feeling of wanting a donut. It still only makes vague sense to me.

I see people that say they want this or they want that and then don’t do anything about making it come into their lives. Sometimes all it takes is a trip to the store. Sometimes you have to find it, or wait to afford it, or plan for it, or do something else to make it happen. And these people go about their lives with no thought to having whatever it is except that they want it. It is well and good to know that they want something but that isn’t what I would call a Want. That is a Would Like. It would be nice if this fell into their lap. That’s it.

My dad has been talking about this thing called the Law of Attraction. He even sent me a DVD of the movie The Secret which is about this Law of Attraction (great production values, good information, I am willing to lend it out if anyone is interested).

The basic premise is that if you focus on good stuff, you will bring more good stuff into your life. If you focus on bad stuff you will bring more bad stuff into your life. It goes into a lot more detail and has suggestions on how to make it work. The core is focusing on your wants and desires daily until they come true.

In some ways I live like this already for my needs. I think that is how I manifest my current part time job for a full time salary. I didn’t “make” it happen, but I did focus on what I needed and watched for opportunities to move towards it.

As I ponder this and attempt to try out the concept of the Law of Attraction, I find that my wants and desires are rather vague. I don’t have well defined wants/desires because I don’t know what life is going to bring my way and I don’t want to miss something wonderful because it didn’t match what I was looking for, I was looking another way, I couldn’t imagine what eventually turned up. I go along and judge if I like something and want more or if I don’t like something and want less or none. I experience what is in front of me and then decide. Some times that experience is made up of seeing something and then thinking about it instead of actually physically trying it. I am pretty sure I don’t want to go skiing or surfing without ever trying those.

Another factor is I am also aware of the saying “Be careful what you wish for, you might get it.” I handle this by taking what shows up and dealing with it. It could be said that if you don’t like what you wished for, you can always wish for something else but it doesn’t work that way in my book. There is effort and energy put into getting a wish and that is wasted if the wish turns out to be wrong. Not completely wasted because it is an experience but not fully used. I have always hated retracing my steps, going back the way I came. When I have taken a wrong turn driving somewhere, typically, I will find a different way there than to go back to where the turn was wrong, if I can. If I go somewhere, I prefer to leave a different way. Getting a wish and then not wanting it feels like retracing steps to me.

I also don’t want to be limited to what I can imagine. There are so many things I don’t know are possible, I don’t want to focus on the ones I do know and exclude other possibilities. I prefer to speak in generalities that would satisfy me than specifics that would be what I think I want without knowing what else is on the menu.

And the last reason is because of disappointment. I don’t want to focus on something I Want/Desire and have to deal with the disappointment if it doesn’t come true the way I want it to. I get very stuck on my ideas when I formalize them. Disappointment is no light thing for me. It can completely take the rug out from under my feet. Disappointment is something I have been working on accepting for the last few years now. I have begun to be able to accept some low level disappointments but the bigger ones still feel like it threatens my survival. It isn’t necessarily a rational reaction but I do recognize it that way.

There are lots of Would Likes and few Wants/Desires. I just wished I didn’t have to translate from other people using the word want into something that they would like. It gets frustrating.

Chew toy

I have a new Chew Toy. Or I should say, I have someone that convinced me it would be a good idea and I am enjoying myself. It is only a chew toy situation with no real possibility of expansion into other arenas.

On side of me is concerned and a little bit ashamed. The other side of me is saying “Bring it on and let’s dial it up a notch.” Me, contradictory to myself? Why would anyone think that? /sarcasm.

I am a tad leery and am being very careful. But I have thought about it and figure it is an opportunity to learn some valuable lessons about limits. As long as I pay attention to what is going on inside me and actively choose what I am doing instead of just going on automatic, I think it could be all good.

Besides, this could replace another bad for me vice I have. It is good to have variety.

Birthday wishes

Somebody sweet snuck in and put balloons on my LJ. Thank you.

Ren_wench always manages to give nicknames that stick and very appropriate cards. She sent me this virtual one and it cracks me up. Another friend sent me a custom animated card that she created.

I got a card at work signed by the office and a number of people bemoaned that it wasn’t one of the “cool” cards. That is because I make the customized cool cards for the last 4 birthdays here and I didn’t make one to surprise myself. I think I am now making them not so much for the birthday person alone but to entertain the entire office.

I had a long phone call with my dad last night and I enjoyed that for my birthday. He is sending me a book for my birthday. He says it is a new tool like the enneagram that he thinks I can use in a similar way. Some girls get jewelry and I get How to understand yourself and other books. I rather like it that way. :)

I have no special plans for today. There are two (three but one is too far south and I am admitting my limits) birthday parties tomorrow for me to attend. I am one of the guests of honor for one of them. Basically anyone who is a Scorpio or has a birthday near Scorpio that is attending the party gets to be a guest of honor. But Ren_wench makes me Gina-safe deserts so I am special. (and full of it but that is ok).

My last post got a bunch of birthday wishes as well. I had off-line IM messages waiting for me when I got to work with birthday wishes and a couple others popping in the moment I signed on.

The pre birthday ponderings this year add up to I understand why 40 is so pushed as over the hill. I didn’t feel it when I hit 40 but about 6 months in, it feels like I pulled out my plug and I was just drained of energy, hurting from aging, I am having problems with motivation, my knees, my energy, my connections, etc. I am beginning to actually feel old.

It use to be that I could abuse my body and still keep going.

Then it was if I abuse my body, I couldn’t keep on going but if I took care of myself, then I could keep doing.

Now it is I take care of myself and I still can’t get going.

I have been bitten by the bug of enjoying responsibility and wanting to work more cons. And I am learning that I may not be able to. I busted my hump for Baycon and took damage. I was second for two departments (some responsibility but not full on insanity like Baycon) and was flat on my face by Sunday of the con and falling apart. I went to just enjoy the experience of Silicon and took no responsibility and didn’t even make it through the first day.

I have interest in me working for Comic Con and Anime LA and I would like to but I don’t know if I can. I am going to see how I am doing after I work LosCon at the end of this month before I determine if I have to give up for the time being.

I am getting slower and slower, doing less and less and I don’t feel like I am getting any better.

On the flip side I feel like I am getting wiser. I handled an issue that arose at the laundromat last night very well. I have been told by a couple of people that I trust and that would know that I have grown a lot in the last year. I don’t necessarily feel like it. I feel like for the last couple of months I have been sliding back down hill but when it is pointed out that I am reacting to things in a better way, I have to say I do see the changes which means I have grown. It is sort of like growing tall. When it is pointed out that you didn’t used to have to duck your head to go through a doorway, you realize you have been growing.

All in all, it is another example of there being both really good and really bad. The big growth for me is that both can exist at the same time. This is new and novel in the land of The Gina.

more medical fun – Neuro-Ophthalmology

Since my Neurologist can’t figure out what is wrong with my dizzy spells and the world looking like it is shaking and the Ophthalmologist can’t figure it out, I got sent to the Neuro-Ophthalmologist. It seems that the only one is in Kaiser is in Santa Clara. An 11am appt opened up with two days notice and since they had no openings on the entire schedule, I jumped on it. This meant that I had to take the day off for the appointment.

The Santa Clara Kaiser campus was a bit of an issue because I was concerned about running into someone that I don’t know where things stand and the extremely close to the home of someone else who I don’t know how we will be around each other. I did a lot of passing by where friends of mine live and mentally saying hi. Sometimes I am amazed by how many people I am connected to in the South Bay.

I spend an hour there and didn’t get much out of it. Everything he could think of, I already had a test that ruled it out.

It might be MS but it doesn’t show up on the scans and typically it would have gotten much worse in the 5 year I had this issue. So MS is doubtful.

It might be mini-migraines of the non-headache variety. Again with the doubtful but a possibility.

Basically unless I can figure out how to trigger them, how to stop them or anything that influences them besides stress making them more frequent or they get worse, there isn’t anything the doctors can do to figure them out.

But I did get confirmation by a specialist that when I am experiencing one, that my eyes are rock steady.

Personally, I think it is just that I take tests well. :)

Since I was in the South Bay anyway, I took Ken up on his offer to take me out to lunch for my birthday (which is tomorrow).

That evening I visited with emberleo to work out some details on trying out this Soul Reclamation thing of hers. It is one of those things I don’t even think if I want to do it or not. I just am doing it because it seems that is what should happen. So now I have another work I have committed myself to for a chunk of time. I am rather pleased with that.

So, as far as I am concerned, a rather productive day, even if it was just checking off one more possibility in terms of doctor appointments.