Monthly Archives: August 2012

The emotional and physical reactions I hide from

I feel flush and cold/clamy. My stomache is clenching asnd feels sick. I feel somewhat faint and weak. I am overheating but only slightly sweating. I feel like I NEED a peanut butter cup or two to feel better. Caffeine sounds like a good idea. I feel like I need to speed my body up so I can mellow out and chill, to feel ok again. OK as I sit here, the sweating is increasing. Not because I am running away with the feelings, more like it started back with the rest and is taking this long to show up on the surface.

I know is this is part panic, part body flooding with chemicals (elements of PTSD of the mild sort), part of it is light excercise. It isn’t thoughts. I was on top of my thoughts and was watching them. As soon as I was not distracted, focused on doing and was stuck waiting for the computer to catch up with me, the physical feelings started flooding in. There were no conscious thoughts triggering those feelings, I was watching. I thought I was at a much more mild level. Then I was being overwhelmed with the “I don’t feel so good” body feelings and started on a list of what would make me feel ok again. This is the sort of thing having someone here to anchor me is for.

I was sitting down waiting for the computer so I could write out this part. I walked a block and a half to meet a casual social circle friend. The walk over was fine. It was good to be outside and I did note that it wasn’t hot and nicely cool while sitting outside. I started getting excited while we were talking and spinning up I realized it at the time and tried to keep a cap on it without squelching it completely. We talked for a little bit and we both needed to get going. He took the lead of ending it and I headed home. Following right behind being alone facing a block and a half alone, I wanted to call someone and keep talking. I did my breathing thing and focused on being in the now. I ended up on the verge of tears. The time to walk home loomed before me and I felt lost. I hurt and was loney and felt vunerable and in danger of losing it (I don’t have a description of this type of losing it, just that I am scared of it).

I noted this reaction and believe it is from being so wound up so high and, having no transition, falling a great distance. I think this is a feeling I avoid with my hiding, my being surrounded by people, my tendency to take forever to say goodbye, taking a book with me everywhere, watching way too much tv, losing myself in on the computer.

The walk home passed very quickly because I was occupided with composing this post. Sitting down and pausing that thought process was when I got hit with all the physical reactions. This has been a good thing to go through and observe. It is another step in understanding why I do what I do. Neither the emotional or physical reactions are rational but they drive me from very deep beneath the surface.

And yes, the sugar helps me feel better and mellow.

On being a supremacist

A friend posted an article to FB called "Aesop to the Right: Why I Believe Bristol Palin" and raved about it without an explanation. This is not something I would normally look at but I was curious what pleased her and was positive about Bristol Palin since these two things don’t normally go together in my circles.

It was an interesting blog post about gay marriage and the perspectives of Christians that have no issue with gays but don’t want gay marriage. It was done very well in a non-aggressive manner so it is accessible to both sides of the issue.

What really got me was buried deeply in it is this idea of being a Supremacist. These days the word “supremacist” has been to extremists with ideas anyone outside of their organizations can see is wrong. This blog presented the idea that supremacist thoughts sneak into our everyday thoughts and they are an underlying cause to the differences in opinion on gay marriage. In a nut shell, those that have the option of marriage feel it they have the right to deny others the option and have the final say and don’t see how wrong it is that those that don’t have the option even need to ask for it, let alone fight for it. Those with the option feel superior to the others and attacked when that superiority is challenged.

To me this is a very interesting idea. It was hard for me to summarize because the blog post kind of went around the bush explaining it and I had to pack all of that together. Given the title of the post and the focus, I never would have suspected this idea or known where to look for it if I didn’t remember Kate posting it and been able to go back and look for it.

I think this idea of supremacy underlies many different arguments from gay marriage, race, male privilege, the rape culture and the Occupy movement. It is not something people would want to even look at since the word “supremacist” is so negatively and emotionally charged. The blog post did a good job unpacking the idea in a non-negative and non-emotional way and got me thinking about it. Those that Have are very resistant to the pleas of those that Have-not. It makes sense that the Haves feel superior to the Have-nots and really can’t see the world from the perspective of the Have-nots. And when the Have-nots demand something, that superiority is challenged and the Haves go into defend mode. It is a good idea to take a look under the hood of a disagreement to see if there are supremacist ideas fueling the difference of understanding and then challenge those ideas. I am not saying that the Have-nots are always right, the Haves are always wrong, and everything is based on supremacist ideas but that it is a different framework useful in examining some of of these disagreements. There have been two blog posts going around about how not to be the creepy guy in a group. One of them unpacked the idea of women not getting support from the men in their lives due to the rape culture we live in (the idea of rape culture is yet another Idea I have been looking into). Throwing the idea of supremacy into the mix added another level of understanding and it is easier to see where each side is coming from and what path could work for both.

Our culture is filled with subtle supremacist ideas. More pondering and research needs to happen for me to see them clearly and see why they exist, what they are based on but it is good to have had this idea introduced to me so I can watch for them now. I think it is important to strip the word of its negative aspect and look through the lens it provides. I can see flaws in my own arguments and attitudes and understand other people’s perspective better because of it. It is another step to treating others more fairly which I consider important.

(here is my FB post. I think it does a better job as an intro and could very well cover all the same ground. I don’t know why it is easier to write than my LJ post, Something about the tone each platform needs I guess.
grabbed from Kate Pennington.

The title does nothing to relate what this post is about. It is a very balanced and sensible discussion of both sides to the issue of gay marriage.

What struck me is the introduction of the idea of supremacist though being introduced. It is the idea stripped of the negativity people like the KKK have brought to the word and I feel it is a key point to many controversial social inequalities with a clueless side to them, like male privileged, racism, rape culture and being a creep. I have written up an LJ post on this too. This is another idea I am putting into my hopper to continue to ponder and research as I go through life.

LJ vs FB

I have been neglecting LJ in favor of FB. I figure LJ is for big thoughts, FB is for fun and light thoughts and such. But FB is easier. The UI is set up for quicker easier interaction, It is easier to constrict a big thought into a smaller space than it is to do a good job in a larger space (especially when one has a tendency towards over explaining and being verbose), and there are loads of distractions lurking in FB to grab you and take you away (which happened even as I was looking something up for this session on LJ)?

I am going to try to download my big thoughts here and run FB and LJ at the same time again. We will see how well I do.