Couldn’t. Resist. It’s. About. TV.

1970s
(x) All in the Family
(x) The Brady Bunch
(x) CHiPs
(x) Good Times
(x) Happy Days
(x) The Jeffersons
(x) MASH
(x) The Odd Couple
(x) Taxi
(x) Welcome Back Kotter
Total: 10
(pretty much all in reruns)

1980s
(x) ALF
(x) Bosom Buddies
(x) Cagney & Lacey
(x) The Dukes of Hazzard
(x) The Golden Girls
(x!!) The Greatest American Hero
() Knots Landing
() My Two Dads
() St. Elsewhere
(x) WKRP in Cincinnati
Total: 7

1990s
(x) Beverly Hills, 90210
(x) Doogie Howser M.D.
(x) Murphy Brown
(x) Quantum Leap
(x) Wings
(x) Mad About You
() Saved by the Bell
(x) Roseanne
(x) Married… With Children
(x) The Sentinel
Total: 9

2000
(x) Touched by an Angel
(x) Buffy the Vampire Slayer
(x) Dawson’s Creek
(x) Ally McBeal
(x) Angel
Total: 5 (liked this year the best)

2001
(x) Moesha
(x) 7th Heaven
(x) Boston Public
( ) Who Wants to be a Millionaire
(x) Sabrina, The Teenaged Witch
Total: 4

2002
(x) Smallville
( ) Bernie Mac
(x) Will and Grace
(x) CSI
(x/2) Friends
Total: 4-1/2 (never really liked friends but would watch occasionally on rerun)

2003
( ) Life With Bonnie
( ) Girlfriends
( ) 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter
(x) Reba
( ) Big Brother 3
Total: 1 (not a good year, I don’t even know Life with Bonnie)

2004
(x) Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
( ) American Idol
( ) Everybody Hates Chris
( ) Dancing with the Stars
( ) Arrested Development
Total: 1 (reality shows are taking over, arggg. There were better shows but not on this meme)

2005
(x) Battlestar Galactica
( ) Prison Break
( ) Weeds
(x) Project Runway
( ) The Colbert Report
Total: 2

It is sad when the more enjoyable TV programs are from way in the past. Or at least the more popular enjoyable programs. I would watch most of the old shows on repeat before watching the newer shows.

The SF Bay Area Fog has arrived. The AC has kicked in. We have cooling.
The Golden Gate is gone. Alcatraz is gone. As of the drive in, the fog had reached Treasure Island.

It has yet to cover the City or work its way down the peninsula. But it has begun. Woot!

I am sure we have our truly hot season still to come when the heat battles back the fog for longer than this short stint we are reaching the end of.

Inertia is not my friend. I feel like I am doing ok but I am noticing some areas where I am not taking care of myself. I am admitting them here to acknowledge them and maybe keep my mind from skittering off of them.

I am not getting up in time in the morning. It is an argument every morning with myself and I keep losing and staying in bed. I have tried many thing to try to change this and none of them are working. I have no excuse for it, I am just not doing it.

I am eating lunch very late. I know I need to go sooner but I finally drag my lazy ass away from the computer at work around 2-3pm. I know my life would be better if I ate sooner but it isn’t happening.

I am not cleaning up my apartment. Things are not going well there. Again, I know I would be happier if I did, but I am not doing it.

I finally checked the bank and I have hit zero twice since the 15th. I have my paychecks in my wallet and I just haven’t bothered to get them in the bank. Or even checked the balance online to see how desperate it was. I haven’t paid bills that are due at mid-month.

There are a couple of other places where I am doing very similar procrastination.

And I am eating sugar again. I eat a little and all I can think about is I want more and I find myself stuffing my face as fast as I can with macaroons. (homemade and burnt but that doesn’t matter.)

The trend I am seeing is that I want the consequences of said action, feel I need to do said action, and then refuse to do said action. It is a loop I am getting myself into. And I think the only reason I am refusing to do things is because I need to do them because I want the consequence of them. (The sugar thing is the opposite. I don’t want the consequence of the action, I shouldn’t do the action, so I do the action.)

In some areas I am really growing and learning. I am making really good progress in some internal things. I think this is an area where I am paying the price. Things are leaking out in this area because other areas are changing.

So solutions, just noticing. Not really even judging, just a tad concerned about the fall out from this.

Scorpio
In the course of my life, I’ve known five people whom I consider feral. They weren’t raised by wolves in the wild, but they have qualities that make it seem as if they could have been. They regularly get wild glints in their eyes, and are given to sudden expulsions of anomalous noises that express manic amusement mixed with inscrutable emotions. They can survive while traveling in foreign lands despite having little money, and even when they’re home they’re prone to taking long rambles in the middle of the night. They couldn’t care less what anyone thinks of them, and rarely do what anyone expects them to do. These feral folks are disruptive but not dangerous, and they confound my beliefs about human nature in the most entertaining ways. Even if you don’t fit this description, Scorpio, you’d be wise to flirt with your own brand of feral behavior in the coming weeks. It’s time to untame yourself.

I’m not feral. I know some scorpios (that I don’t see very often anymore and one that I see lots of) that I can see this applying to but I don’t think it fits me all that well.

I have feral tendencies but they only show up when I have a co-conspirator in crime. I urge others into their feral tendencies and follow in their footsteps. To me, that doesn’t match up to me being the feral one.

I am a feral catalyst. An Evil Idea Muse. I am only a part of Eee-Ville.
I poke at underlying things, things people tend to keep covered. I stir things up and mix it until it all settles into place.

Ren_wench got married yesterday. It was a wonderful and beautiful event. Weddings can be so full of openness and emotion and joy and love if done right and this one was done more than right.

This is not a new beginning for these two. They have been together for 12 years, living together for 10 of those. I don’t remember how many years ago, they had a mock wedding at a con with all their friends.

The way I look at the event is as pausing for a time to take stock and express the things that are already there, share them with others. To hold the things that mean so much in a relationship out and treasure them all at once, instead of them being blended into the normal everyday activities and sometimes overlooked. It was wonderful and I am so pleased to have been included and able to witness it. I cried like a baby in a number of places because the emotion was so evident and the bride and groom were so open. There was so sign of defenses, of protection, just of openness and acceptance. Would that we could afford to live like that all the time.

Many people toasted the couple and said how much they were alike. I didn’t see that. I see them as two very different people that have blended somewhat but more than that, they fit together and support each other. They are well balanced and allow the other to be who they are. This is so very good in a relationship.

Putting my own spin on this, this wedding reminds me of a funeral. When people remember and talk about the person that has died. As an attendee, you get to see sides you didn’t have the chance to experience. This wedding was a pause in a relationship and a chance for people to remember and share what their experiences of the bride and groom and as an attendee you get to see sides you haven’t had the chance to experience. Yet. I really like this model. I would like to see it done for anniversaries. To pause and take stock of the important things. This is what I wanted my wake to be. A pause in my life to reflect on the things that have lead up to this point and treasure them. And doing it as a pause instead of at the ending allows those treasured things to be shared and experienced by others instead of morned as something they can never experience. Just so that people don’t getting wiggy on me, the wedding is full of joy and is future focused where as a funeral is full of sorrow and is past focused. In this way, the two are very different. Maybe that is why we have white for one and black for the other.

I was very impressed with the decorations. The colors were sage green and purple. The flowers were incredible as they should be when Jane, flower arranger extraordinaire does them. The outfits were perfect. Formal, fitting for a wedding and very much in tune with the person wearing them. I was a tad disappointed that it was more of a “normal” regular wedding and not a fannish wedding until the actual experience. Making it a fannish wedding would have moved away from what was really there.

The ceremony was lovely. The grooms sister officiated and I loved how she handled it. I told her if I were ever to get married, I think I would want her to officiate. There was talk of the two of being time travelers and meeting up on this plane at this time and selling off the extra time machine on ebay. That is so perfect for these two. The vows they wrote for each other were full of true emotion and knowledge of what was important to each of them in their everyday life. This was a ceremony tailor fitted for these two and I really appreciate that approach.

The “light” meal afterwards was delightful. I had thirds and the plate was pretty full each time, this is a testament at how good it was.

The day was lovely for most people. It was too hot for me. I was able to be around for the first part, doing the thing that I do. I show up at an event with no duties or stress and fill in gaps of things that need to be done to lower the stress on those that have been working so hard at it. I am grateful that I can do that (it makes me feel so good) and grateful that people can allow me to do it and appreciate it. Those that know me and trust me are the ones that accept it the most easiest. I think Jane was a bit surprised how easy it was for me to assist her in tying the flowers to chairs and umbrellas.

After the ceremony, I was gone. I was functional but the heat made my unique personality go away. Bless my friends for taking care of me, bringing me water and such, and bless my willingness to let them. Sometime between my second helping and thirds, my personality showed up again. I noticed that I was actually saying things that only I would say. I don’t know if it was the food getting me to a point where I could deal with the heat or if the temp dropped, or how much of both, but it was nice to be there again instead of just tolerating and coasting until it was time to go home. I keep learning more about how I react to things all the time.

After things were over, there was sitting around and chatting. I got to run the enneagram cards on a co-worker of ren_wench and Jane’s boyfriend. I sat that giving out more information on a system of understanding the inner workings of people. This seems to be a roll I have, to expose people to things that will help them understand who they are and who others are. Part of my roll to expose reality to people I think.

Around 7-ish I think, I was all worn out and decided it was time to go home. It was an eventful day and one I am pleased to have ditched any other possibilities for. It matters to much to me to have been able to be a part of it. Ren_wench and I have known each other for most of those 12 years and we are entering a new phase of our relationship. One with a lot of meaning. It scares me because we have hurt each other in the past but it is something I think is worth risking.

I cry off and on as I write this out. I know the intensity of the feelings will fade as time moves forward but I think the knowledge of the intensity and the value I have placed on feeling these feelings will remain and will be useful in motivating me to be willing to be open to things like this again. This is where I am wanting to live my life right now. This is what seems to make actually living worth while even if it hurts again and again. I need to protect myself from the hurt and pain and I am trying to learn how to do that without cutting myself off from everything else. In the past, these intense feelings of basically joy, love and caring would have hurt too much to risk. I am glad I can survive them these days and even see out the experience. This is real growth for me.

(I couldn’t decide if I should cut-tag this or not so I left it as is.)

I had a dream night before last. I was at a con, arriving at the last minute, I wasn’t even sure I was going to go to this con (it had a feeling of a San Diego Comic Con but different.) Friends of mine were expecting me if I decided to show up. Many people (most everyone) was in costume and there was a number of booths on the way to reg to rent a costume. The place was packed. I didn’t have much with me so I rented a costume. But things kept moving so fast, I wasn’t able to put it on and pieces kept getting put down and confused with other pieces and messed up and lost. I wasn’t even sure what costume pieces I needed to return when the con was over. After much running around and stress, I caught up with my friends and they took me to the hotel room which was in another building. I parked where I could, on top of a pyramid of asphalt slabs, past a bike rack (yes, it was tricky getting up there but it was out of the way and I wasn’t being crowded). As we were trying to get a variety of things out of the car, I was told I couldn’t park there and I had to move the car down the very sloped back of this stack of slabs. I woke up stressed, confused and feeling like I couldn’t keep a grip on anything. (this is really the bare bones of the dream. A friend says he will no longer believe that I don’t do drugs when I have told him the details of some of my dreams. They can get pretty whacked out as dreams can do.)

Imagine, renting a costume and having no idea what it is suppose to look like because you never got a chance to go through all the pieces before they got mixed up and lost (in so many different ways). And this isn’t even your stuff, you are responsible for it and you find it taken out of your hands by people that have no real interest in it, it is just in their way and so it is moved.

This dream was the night before a debriefing meeting for Baycon about the issues that went blewie at con. I think Baycon has really gotten to me. I am still injured (I haven’t written that one up but my knee is still messed up and I probably need to make another dr appt). I wrote out all the info I would want given to me if I were to do this next year and burned a copy to CD for a pass down. I want to let go of this stuff and move on.

One of the reasons I think I did an awesome job was because I did things I didn’t think I would be able to pull off. I am very impressed I made it out of con able to stand up. I got a lot accomplished and took my self to the edge (and I would have assumed over but I kept on going) many times. I didn’t actually melt down. In the past, I would have been dead and needing people to carry me. I did take care of myself after con. This year, the day after con, what time I didn’t spend with the chiropractor or in the emergency room, I spend sleeping. I played dead last weekend, sleeping for most of it and throwing my sleep schedule off completely. But for the most part, I feel fine. Until I get a little stressed and then it seems like everything unravels.

We had a relatively benign meeting last night that ran a little late. I got home a little after midnight. I ate plenty before the meeting, I ate towards the end of the meeting and still I was shaking by the time it was all over. I was dead tired but I couldn’t sleep. I know I saw at least 1:30am. The meeting wasn’t stressful. It was mostly a swapping of information to avoid having the same problems happening again and new ones from cropping up. But it was taxing and two weeks after con, I still have no reserves. I am use to this the few days after con. But after being really nice to myself and taking care of myself and feeling mostly fine, it is a tad worrisome to find out how low my reserves are. I am not handling the heat well and it isn’t really that hot yet (low 70′s maybe). I get to the snapping point so quickly. Things tire me out very fast. I have had to go back to just existing to get through the day. I have been noticing I have been playing the sugar game (where I eat sugar at home because I need to mellow out like an alcoholic has a drink when they get home). I haven’t felt like I needed the sugar but I find myself doing it anyway.

I have some interpersonal issues that need to be addressed that could have been things that would help me pull through but are not really adding anything to the equation. They are just one more thing to handle in life. They aren’t really dragging me down, but they are not offering the boost they had potential to do.

I am tired, emotionally, physically, mentally. But I feel fine so I am doing things as normal. It seems like I am just not catching up on filling the reserves for those stressful moments in daily life.

Yet another thing I have learned about myself because of this con. It was an incredible growth opportunity. I am glad I did it. I am glad it is over. I don’t know if I will do it again. If I was smart, I would avoid it at all costs. But smart is not always the way to go. Time will tell.

Scorpio
Most modern religions propose that we need intermediaries–priests, priestesses, rabbis, imams, monks–to get connected to the divine source. In contrast, many ancient Gnostics believed that every person could be in charge of creating his or her own link to spirit. Indeed, anyone might contribute fresh insights and revelations to the body of ever-evolving spiritual truths. The equivalent today would be if the Bible were regarded as an unfinished text to which every Christian or Jew could add new content. This is a perfect astrological moment for you to try out this perspective, Scorpio: the do-it-yourself approach to creating your own religion. You now have the power to be your own priest, priestess, rabbi, imam, or monk.

Been there. Am doing that. Don’t need the t-shirt.
If what I am doing/practicing can be called a religion, I am and have always been and will be the primary power and connection to the spirit. It all comes from within me and into me. I feel it is personal for each person. The books, scared texts, churches, practices, teachers, priests, priestess, etc. can be guides but never the actual connection.

Guess Will meant this for another scorpio than me. I am getting to know so many.

When something happens once, it just happens. When it happens twice, I start to wonder if it is a pattern. When it happens three times, I am pretty sure it is a pattern.

I think I am seeing a pattern. For the last three Baycons, I have left Baycon with new connections that feel very important to me both personally and spiritually. I am not sure but I think it is one of each.

Out of Baycon 2004, I got one connection that ended up being the first pebble in a pretty big avalanche that caused a great deal of grief. The other connection ended up not working out the way we wanted and finally faded away not having a very large impact on my life.

Baycon 2005 gave me two connections, one which did not work out the way we wanted but hopefully will continue to be a positive influence in my life. The other seems to have decided to fade away.

It feels like there were lessons to be learned from these connections that didn’t get finished. And that might be why they are repeating. I am trying to watch what I am doing and the consequences of my actions to make things work out right and learn the lessons that are showing up.

Baycon 2006 seems to have resulted in one connection. I think I went in with a connection already which gives me my two. I think in the past the problems I have had was of being too open, becoming overly attached, and being overwhelming in my attentions. I am trying to back off and take things at a more even keel. Things look good so far. But then again, they looked good, real good after the last two baycons as well.

I just hope this time thinks work the way they are suppose to and the connections turn into whatever they are suppose to become and everyone gets good out of it. I don’t need them to be anything in particular. I just don’t want to feel that I ended up wasting my time, effort, and energy on a connection that had no point. I want the connections grow and not feel like they have been cut off too soon. I want to learn my lessons so I can go onto the next ones and not have to repeat these.

It looks like since I didn’t get to do much socializing at Baycon, I made up for it this last weekend.

I had dinner with ren_wench on Thursday to talk and clear some stuff up. My friend Fennifer came over to my side of the bay Friday afternoon and had an update session because it had been a long time (for us) since we had seen each other. That night, I hung out with the horseman and he got to see my odd enjoyment of the Old Spaghetti Factory. Sat afternoon/evening was spent with capricious (with a short sighting of fresne) for more catching up. Sunday afternoon was spent with Maynard talking and talking (information downloads in both directions) and that evening he joined me for the Enneagram panel.

Very social. Very good. Very tired.