A bit of a rambling update regarding my ability to be social.

I have been a little more social lately.
I called my dad Wen night and talked to him for a couple of hours. Thursday morning, Matt called and I got a chance to chat with him on my way to bart. That evening, I chatted with Mike and Kevin about B5 and I wouldn’t let Sparrow off the phone without some social chitchat.

Friday night, after work, I went shopping and had dinner with Fennifer. Sat evening was hanging with Crystal and Karen. I got to chat with Paul before he moved out of the state on Sunday. That night I talked with my brother and my Mom.

I left message for Ken, Aaron and Matt and haven’t gotten responses. I did skip out of dinner with Ken and meeting his girlfriend. Last week, I sent out a number of emails I haven’t gotten response to either.

My mom sent me a flurry of emails and they make me want to hide. She goes in spurts. Quiet for awhile then 5 all at once.

I have figured out that I am not doing parties. I has a lousy time at one about a year ago and am fully aware it was me that made it lousy, not the party itself. I think I have managed to not make a party of more than 8 people since then. Small dinner parties seem to be ok but large open parties seem to be more than I handle. I think I can but something seems to keep me from actually showing up. If ren_wench hadn’t nagged me to the point of irritation, there is a good chance I would have skipped out of going to Baycon at all. I appreciate her tenacity as it was very appropriate. I have some observations of social connections at Baycon that I am not too please about but am pondering. I tried something new and am sad about the results. But there is a truth there and I need to deal with it.

It looks like I am not going to go to Denver for Worldcon. The concept of another con right now is not exciting me. Denver in August with the heat is not good considering how badly I am doing with our heat waves out here. A main focus was to clean out my room at my Dad’s place and since I can’t even keep up on the trash where I live, I don’t think now is the time. Doing that in the heat seems to be a recipe for failure. The elements just aren’t lining up well. I need to aim for a colder time if this year at all.

I am hoping that I will be better in time for LosCon. Considering how good I felt with everyone at LosCon and how seeing/dealing with most of the LA crowd that came up for Baycon were highlights of my weekend, I think that even in the state I am in right now, it would be ok. I would rather enjoy myself than it just be ok but I am more than happy to accept ok. Just as long as the Art Show doesn’t mess up the Locus coming in to tear down. Funny that is what I am excited about.

I think doing demo work right now would be good for me. Too bad I don’t have any connections in that direction. I had a strange urge to chop wood this weekend.

Well, I seem to be back in my pit. Couldn’t get myself to work until 11 today. Lousy attitude. I don’t even want what I have been wanting so I am in a position of not being happy with anything I have and not wanting anything different to move to.

Guess having a decent but frustrating weekend cost more than anticipated.

I am so tired and bored with this depression already.

Too hot, brain slow, productivity down to almost nil.
People keep asking for help here at work and I just stare at them because I really can’t think of anything. Not anything useful, just anything. My head is full of empty.

Setting up plans to work in a different part of the office tomorrow away from the heat.

Funny thing is the two IT guys have disappeared so somebody told me I am now IT since I seem to be third in line since I know so much stuff. They are so screwed.

4pm San Francisco 90 degrees. High today predicted to be 77.
High tomorrow predicted to be 79.
Room seems to think it is 80 or little more.
Berkeley even hotter. *wimper*

Last night was a sighting of my old self. I did 6 loads of laundry without a quiver or feeling overwhelmed or over stressed. None of the irrational feelings that have been coming up over little things for months and months.

It was amazing. I sorted laundry into piles and did them at my apartment building. This means they were strung out over the entire night. Two of the loads were “delicate” and are still hanging on the clothes line.

It has been since before Thanksgiving since I have done laundry on my own without anyone to hold my hand. Most of those “delicate” items have been on the floor of my closet for over a year (maybe even two) waiting for me to get around to hand washing them.

I am a tad concerned that I over-did it and will fall back two steps for the three forward I have taken. But no matter if I did or didn’t, I got a glimpse of what I used to be like and this is good. I have been stuck in this low grade depression for well over a year and was feeling like with all the changes I have gone through, I would never get the competent part of me back.

Maybe some day I will be able to wash my own dishes again.

I am really enjoying the new USA Networks show In Plain Sight. It fits right in with The Closer and Burn Notice in terms of characters with personality.

There is a new show I heard nothing about but caught the briefest of promos on the ABC Family channel. The Middle Man. Take a handful of Men in Black, a spoonful of Eureka, a blob of The Tick, a flavor of monster comics, and a zest of Get Smart and you have most of the ingredients of this show. The tongue is very firmly planted in the cheek in its own designer pocket.

It is monday nights and I doubt it will become a lasting show. But then again, it is on an off cable network. They may not care about the ratings so much and it is family friendly.

I had a regular OB/GYN appointment today. Nothing major, regular check up type of things. And my body decided it was under attack and totally freaked out. Trouble breathing, heavy breaths, pain, discomfort, everything on high alert. The med staff (nurse practitioner and student nurse) asked if I was OK multiple times. How do I answer that.

I know I have not been damaged. It was the same old, same old that I have had done many times before and I have not reacted this way. But I feel pulled inside out, everything is tense, I am having trouble breathing, I am totally freaking out. I don’t feel good. So in terms of do I need further medical attention, No, I am ok. In terms of can I function as a normal human being, No, I am not even close to ok. Comfort is good. Curling up in a ball is good. Giving me water to drink is very good. Putting me in corner so people will not make me assure them they don’t need to deal with me is good. Being held would have been great. Something so I could ground and chill would have been great. Panic meds would have been great. Not required but appreciated.

I calmed down some while being curled over while the med staff was there. After they left, I let go of huge sobs as I got dressed. I know I had taken over my allotted time and the room was needed. I didn’t need to be in there. I could be elsewhere to go through with whatever was going on. My reaction was very atypical but didn’t need any further med attention. I needed comfort and care. I was really amazed by the amount of reaction I had.

I was thinking I was going to go home and rest before going to work. On the way, I decided that I am doing well enough to head into work. I stop a couple of stations early and get pizza, salad and chocolate as comfort food. I felt like I was doing all right but any bump in the day would be close to overwhelming.

Now (two hours later) that I am at work, having eaten practically everything, being around people, it sort of seems like a dream. I guess it takes awhile for the chemicals the body produces when under attack to clear the system. I am not please by how low the threshold for defining an attack has become. And knowing this is what is going on, in a way, makes it even worse. You are stuck in an overactive reaction, know it is not necessary and don’t have a way out. It adds to the panic and frustration.

Grrrr Bark.

I just bought two tickets for Caroline Rhea in San Ramon Saturday, June 21st at 8:00pm. WoooHooo. I am looking forward to this show. I love her sense of humor.

No Eddie Izzard because his show appeared to be sold out before I even got close to a computer. This is the problem when one of your favorites gets popular and well known.

So I actually have events on my calendar besides cons. Yaz in concert and Caroline Rhea. At this point, I am tempted to cancel the cons. Hopefully I will differently as time goes buy but I am not purchasing anything towards them quite yet.

A follow up to my last post:

A friend pointed out the sexist traits in health care. An example she gave was the tendency of a man’s complaint being taken seriously right off and a woman’s complaint being questioned as to the reality of that complaint before being taken seriously.

I realized that I run into that a lot. If whatever is wrong with me doesn’t show up on a test the doctor ordered, then it must be in my head. And I am treated rather dismissively by male doctors a lot because most of my complaints don’t show up on tests. I am sure that men get this somewhat too but I do think women get this more often.

I looked at it and realized I just accept this behavior and find ways around it. I search for “good” doctors, plan for doctors to not have answers and I do a lot to solve my own medical problems. I don’t see it as sexism, I just see it as something I have to work around. If I did pay attention to the inherent sexism of it, I would probably get so mad at the unfairness of it all that I would no longer be able to find the ways to take care of myself.

This means my sexism blindness is a defense mechanism that allows me to not see the issues and continue to move forward. And I believe this mechanism keeps me from falling for the problems that arise from the sexism. If I don’t see it then I am not affected by it beyond the most obvious cases. I don’t get trained to keep my mouth shut or think I am less because I am a woman. I only have to change my behavior for the stupid people that think I am less because I am a woman and that is their issue, not mine.

Aw fiddle, this started out as a comment in caramida’s LJ and it grew so it has become a feature in mine.

I read this article about gender issues with Men talking down to Women a little while ago and had some strong feelings.

For the record, I am female and I don’t run into this sexism often.

This could be because:
I get the same behavior from both men in women in equal amounts and end up sticking the posted note of “avoid” to the individual instead of watching it along gender lines.
It could be because I don’t listen to overly full of themselves men long enough for them to Explain Things To Me.
It could be that I had enough of it with my grandfathers and don’t tolerate it.
It could be because I avoid those situations naturally.
It could be because I am one of the ones that Explains Everything myself. (I haven’t seen this in me but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there).

I am not surprised that women out there get this sort of treatment. The author did state she was playing the ingenue and men that would have the tendency to talk down to anyone would pounce on a woman in that roll.

I think men and women do it but it would make sense that men do it more. Society does tend to put it on the men that they have to know everything and be able to do everything and it would be easy to get caught up in that roll.

I do agree with the author that it does show up in a number of places like her examples. These are things that are better than they were and could still use some improvement.

But I think she is giving over her power when she says that this sort of behavior from men “trains us in self-doubt and self-limitation.” I look at men that do this as trying to replace a deficiency in themselves. I know that I am good at what I do and who I am.

I will admit, I work hard to find places that appreciate what I have to offer so I am not exposed to the negative reinforcement. In fact, the first time I my confidence was shaken in college where I pursued a Physics degree and later a Engineering degree is when I started listening to the Women in Engineering organization. They had a special room for women to go to for help with their classes. When I started having troubles in class, I started to thing about availing myself to that help and I started questioning if the reason I was having trouble was because I was female. Which is stupid. When I caught myself going down that thought process, I stopped myself and proceeded to ignore anything “special” for women. I was just another student and I would make it or break it just like any other student. I got through just fine. In some areas, I can’t believe how well I managed to make things work.

I have only had positive experiences being female in a mostly male world and I think a lot of that has to do with refusing to see the “inequalities” and going forth like I was just like everyone else and there was no difference in gender. It has served me well.