I had a regular OB/GYN appointment today. Nothing major, regular check up type of things. And my body decided it was under attack and totally freaked out. Trouble breathing, heavy breaths, pain, discomfort, everything on high alert. The med staff (nurse practitioner and student nurse) asked if I was OK multiple times. How do I answer that.

I know I have not been damaged. It was the same old, same old that I have had done many times before and I have not reacted this way. But I feel pulled inside out, everything is tense, I am having trouble breathing, I am totally freaking out. I don’t feel good. So in terms of do I need further medical attention, No, I am ok. In terms of can I function as a normal human being, No, I am not even close to ok. Comfort is good. Curling up in a ball is good. Giving me water to drink is very good. Putting me in corner so people will not make me assure them they don’t need to deal with me is good. Being held would have been great. Something so I could ground and chill would have been great. Panic meds would have been great. Not required but appreciated.

I calmed down some while being curled over while the med staff was there. After they left, I let go of huge sobs as I got dressed. I know I had taken over my allotted time and the room was needed. I didn’t need to be in there. I could be elsewhere to go through with whatever was going on. My reaction was very atypical but didn’t need any further med attention. I needed comfort and care. I was really amazed by the amount of reaction I had.

I was thinking I was going to go home and rest before going to work. On the way, I decided that I am doing well enough to head into work. I stop a couple of stations early and get pizza, salad and chocolate as comfort food. I felt like I was doing all right but any bump in the day would be close to overwhelming.

Now (two hours later) that I am at work, having eaten practically everything, being around people, it sort of seems like a dream. I guess it takes awhile for the chemicals the body produces when under attack to clear the system. I am not please by how low the threshold for defining an attack has become. And knowing this is what is going on, in a way, makes it even worse. You are stuck in an overactive reaction, know it is not necessary and don’t have a way out. It adds to the panic and frustration.

Grrrr Bark.