An event is coming up, I plan to go, I have it all worked out in my head. An internal check gives back the response of “Sure, no problem. We’re all good here.”
But my actions don’t support this statement. It is a mystery to me why but I will be on the ball and getting ready to go and then ….. I stop moving. I stall until it is too late. I know I will enjoy myself. I believe it. But I don’t move from the couch.
Well, tonight I made it. I spent from 5pm until 9pm pushing but I got out there door and to an event that had many people I really like at it. And people that like me and are happy to see me and let me know.
When I made the plans, I felt fine about going. When I prepped for it I felt fine about it. I fell of the rails but kept moving forward just a little bit at a time. Even though it was hard to move, I still felt it would be ok. I got there and it is a good thing I don’t have any more fingernails to chew off because I was ready to fall apart. I held onto the tips of my fingers with a death grip and twisted them in order to stay grounded. People asked how I was doing and I couldn’t answer them. Something in me won’t let me just brush it off with a “fine,” but I also didn’t have another answer so I just slapped a hard grin on and smiled at them. I will admit I would like to make people uncomfortable enough with the greeting question of “how are you” that they will switch to something else.
I was mostly ok and I enjoyed myself. It was nice to see everyone. I am sorry to have missed those that left before I got there. I felt like I could dance. I had no problem going right into it. In less than 60 seconds, I couldn’t stand up any more, I couldn’t catch my breath, I felt horrible. I was fine and doing fine until I had to stop and then *wham* all of my laying around getting next to no exercise makes its presence known.
There were cream puffs and carrots and tomatoes and piggies in blankets which I stuffed into my face. The sugar allowed me to actually make it through an entire waltz. I did need walking off the floor but a couple of cream puffs later and I make another half a circuit in the next waltz before aiming for a chair and downing a glass of water.
At least this wedding reception I didn’t have a cast on my leg, as was noted by the bride.
I think I was there for half an hour to an hour and then it was over. I managed to offer an apology to someone I poorly and have avoided for years. That turned out to be an emotional stab. I gave the bride and groom hugs and was pulling my “I appreciate you letting me attend with the big kids even though I am not one” shtick (It is showing up a lot lately. Acting like I am confident that I belong doesn’t seem to be something I can pull off lately). On the way out, my breathing got harder to the point of dry sobs when I was in the car. Now that I am home, in my safe nest, having downed a delightful eggnog, I feel fine.
Intellectually, I am fine with it all. Emotionally it was really really hard. There seems to be a real disconnect between the two. An hour after the last dance I was still sweating. Having sat here and gone through the logic exercise of writing this out, I have stopped.
It is great that I am getting in touch with these emotions. I think I really need to integrate them in with everything else so I can work around them instead of them undermining me.
Well, I used to live all in my head and I worked hard to bring my body into awareness. Maybe this is the beginning of my emotions being brought online too. Not fun.