Seabelle suggested that the problem with my eyes might be Labyrinthitis.

To find out from the neurologist that I saw in 2005-06 why this wasn’t diagnosis for me, I had to have a real appointment. That was today.

It isn’t Labyrinthitis because I do not have circular vertigo, it affects both sides equally, it comes and goes, it is not affected if I keep my head still or move it.

I might have some sort vestibuloocular reflex as a result of an acute bilateral peripheral lesion. Nothing threatening, just really really annoying.

No idea how it would have happened. There are some medications that can do this damage but I didn’t have them and they are used only in hospitals and I wasn’t near a hospital at the time this showed up.

And interesting quote from the eMedicine.com the dr. gave me…
Although an impaired VOR is generally the result of an injury to the vestibular system, note that VOR may be affected by systemic disease processes such as migraines, depression, and anxiety disorders. With migraine vestibulopathy, one may see an elevated gain with visually enhanced VOR (VVOR), a testing paradigm where the VOR rotation stimulus is done in a lighted (ie, visually enhanced) environment rather than in the traditional dark booth. Patients who experience anxiety disorders may have an increased vestibular sensitivity resulting in significantly higher VOR gains and shorter time constants.7 Finally, those patients with major depression have been shown to have hypoactive vestibular nuclei, resulting in a decrease in the slow phase of the nystagmus. All of these disorders should be screened for and considered when testing an individual with vestibular dysfunction.

Since I have the migraines and depression and am very aware of the anxiety lately. Nothing has change on those fronts that would have triggered the eye problem but that doesn’t mean it isn’t related.

Oh the joys of annoying but not life threatening health issues. Le sigh

I ended up taking a day off today. I just wouldn’t get up until almost 10am so I called work and said I was having a hard morning. Got the day off. I managed to get the car into the mechanic’s for an oil change and walked home. Then walked back 3 hours later to pick it up. That counts as exercise. I was going to try to do a little laundry but that didn’t happen. Mostly I tucked my head into the pillows in the couch and disappeared into sleep land.

I don’t feel like I am out of spoons. I feel like I have plenty of spoons, I just don’t have a way of using them. It is like I am missing fingers. Today was a low finger day.

Life sucks!

Yeah, there is good. Yeah, there is bad. I would trade all the good to get rid of the life part. Not an option but that doesn’t stop me from wishing it was.

It has been well over a year since I had to deal with the Dizzys. I don’t remember when they went away but I do know I haven’t had them at this job and yesterday was my one year anniversary.

The first day always freaks me out. I feel like it takes over my life and I can’t see. Everything vibrates and it comes and go at random times. I have come to realize that if my life did stop when this happens, I would never be able to do anything. Not work, not watch TV, not read, not move or walk about. So I need to adapt. And I can and will. I lose focus and start recognizing things by outlines. I stop trying to see details. I learn to pause and wait out the wave because it will end. Another may start right after it but it too will end. I have learned to walk along walls and drag my hand along them to give me a trusted reference for where is Down because my sense of gravity has been thrown for a loop. I can seem almost normal. Or normal for someone that doesn’t know me.

But I do hate the feeling. There is a tension in my brain when this happens. It feels like something is squeezing either my scalp or my actual brain. I call it a brain storm.

Doctors can’t figure out what this is. Nothing on the MRI. I have seen regular general practitioners, Ear/Nose and Throat doctors, an Optometrist, an Opthamologist, Neurologist, an Opthamologist-Neurologist. Nothing on any test gives any clue as to what might be going on.

I have a belief that my body created it to keep me off motorcycles. It seems that when I finally gave up ever being able to ride again, it went away and stayed away. And when I started thinking about it again, it showed up to shut me down. But I have given it up, even the longing. I was thinking about it last night and how I haven’t had an episode for a long time and how motorcycles don’t draw me anymore. Having it hit me today goes against this theory.

The other theory might be cats. I am cat sitting this week and have brought the kitty to my place a couple of times in the last few days. I might have hit an exposure limit. I have been around cats without problems but not regularly. There is a possibility that the dizzys stopped when the people I cat sat for previously moved away.

I have taken some meds for it and it seemed to help for a little bit. Now it is back in full and I am very mellowed out.

I don’t like this. I wish it would go away. Or at least that I could find out what it is so I could better control it or understand it.

I have decided (and undecided and decided and reversed and… and… and…) that going to Worldcon this year would not be a good idea for me.

I have a membership for the convention and need to sell it. I figured I would start here. I would rather pass it onto someone I know than some stranger.

Denvention
Denver CO
August 6-10th 2008
$175

The current price is $200 and after July 10th, only one day memberships will be available.

It looks like a great con. I just am not in a place where I can deal with the con, the heat in Denver early Aug and the other things I was planning to do when I was out there which put all this into motion.

Anybody want a membership?

Edit: D’oh, I unFriend locked this. I forgot that there are others that would be interested that aren’t on my Friends list. What do you mean I don’t know everyone like us?

The Yazoo concert last night was good. Near the beginning I could feel why it was worth it years ago to make the time and effort to go to concerts even on a work/school night. Later on, I understood why I don’t do it much anymore.

I was up and dancing at the beginning and having a wonderful time. About a third of the way in, I stopped moving. After that I stayed seated and closed my eyes and just listened. I don’t know if it was the heat, the pot being smoked three rows behind me, the state I am in right now or just getting older, but I just wasn’t into it anymore. It wasn’t quite like I didn’t have any energy. I wasn’t tired, I just couldn’t tap any energy for getting into the concert.

It was a great flashback to that time in my life. I loved watching the two performers and it was a perfect example of synth-pop. There was so little equipment on the stage and just two people. The DJ they had to provide music while people were arriving had more equipment.

I am very please I went. I feel I have seen the Triumvirate: Eurythmics, Yazoo, and Lori Anderson.

Friday:
I slept.
Then I slept some more.
I watch some TV.
Slept.
Read a little.
Slept.

Saturday:
Same as above but with less sleep and more reading. I finished my book.

I had plans. I had things I wanted to do. Things I was excited about. Things I wanted to have done for the next day. But I couldn’t do them. It wasn’t because I didn’t have the spoons. It felt like I had more than enough spoons. It was because it hurt to try to do anything. I can’t even describe the type of hurt but it is related to depression. It shows up whenever I try to force myself to do something. In a way, I am taking damage for using my will power.

Finally, Sat night I was so disgusted with myself, I managed to get out of my apartment and visit next door. I am kitty-sitting. I brought my charge over to visit and she was very nervous. When she decided under the bed was the place she wanted to stay, I found it very easy to forget she was even in the apartment and decided that she should go home to her litter box and food/water bowls. I think we lasted less than 15 minutes.

I did managed to throw myself into the car and find a restaurant that was still open at 9:30pm. I had dinner and was thinking about a movie when my body said I had to go home immediately. So that was it for Sat.

Sunday:
A guy that I have been seeing came to visit. We had an awkward time to begin with but during our picnic (in a cemetery of course) we fell back into a comfortable rhythm. After we cleaned up, I got the “I just want to be friends” speech. Ouch. I kinda felt like I knew it was coming. I had been trying to unattach myself all week but I thought I was doing that to protect myself, not because I was going to be right. Again. Sucks. We had a nice long talk and logically I feel good about it. I think we did everything right and I can’t see anything I would want to change in how we approached it. Honestly, I am not that attached to him. But emotionally, I feel like I have been dumped. All I lost was the potential of a really good match for me. It hadn’t really gone anywhere. So I think my hurt feelings are for the loss of that potential more so than the actual person. He honestly thinks we will be able to remain connected and talk for hours on the phone and such. The patterns I have seen the past point to him feeling like he likes me but his actions closing himself off more and more. It will be interesting to see which path this takes.

So after he left, I laid back down on the couch, again. Watched TV and slept.

All in all, I would have to say my weekend sucked. It wasn’t the universe that made it suck, it was this damn depression. I have had a few signs that it could be lightening up but I find if I pay attention to them, things go back downhill.

Bahhh, I used to be good at letting go. Now I find it really hard. That is what I get for actually caring instead of only investing superficially.

I so dislike holidays.