Question: What do I need to focus on to deal with the big things (i.e. not being able to do dishes, laundry, filling out timesheets, get wireless set up, and ultimately go to work in the long run)?
Current situation: The Magician
Action to take: 9 of cups
Expected result: The World

Reading:
I am having a hard time creating the life I want. I am not in alignment with myself or I don’t trust my power. I don’t know what I want or am unwilling or afraid to do what I need to in order to get it.
I need to stop searching for happiness outside of myself, stop focusing on externals, stop confusing channels with source. I am the source.
I will learn a lesson that has been eluding me for some time and I will finally be ready to move on.

This reading fit my question really well. I can see where I am too afraid and unwilling to do what I need to in order to have what I know I want and how I am not sure what else I want. I know that I am the source and I have been looking to externals to lead me to what it is in me I need to find. I would love for this phase to be over and move onto the next phase. I do feel that I am missing the piece that will help me not be afraid or unwilling to do what I need to. There is a strong feeling of having my hands in close to my chest and pushing outward when it comes to doing these “hard” things. Like a little kid pushing something she really doesn’t want away from her. I am not a kid any more. I want to figure out how to resolve this issue and grow up rather than suppress it and have it undermine me some more.

So my next question is why am I so unwilling and afraid and how do I get past it.

I have been reading some stuff about women running into low self esteem today and for the last month chewing on how men can get away with shit that if done by a woman, it is seen in a negative light. She gets called annoying, a bitch, hard, cold, etc.

I found a link to a challenge (http://karenhealey.livejournal.com/871457.html). The challenge addressed to women, to write why you are awesome.

I am great at PowerPoint, Excel and Word. I can make them do my bidding.

I am awesome in tutoring others, I can get an idea of how they see the world and translate things into their speak, sometimes even when I don’t know the material myself. I like spreading information around and providing people with stuff they want to know.

I am incredible at Line Management. I make standing in line a good experience. I keep my line informed as to what is going on, I optimize things so things are the best they can be for everyone, I work with those in line to take care of needs like maintaining a fire lane or a gap for a doorway. It is a superpower and I can’t resist doing it when I see the opportunity.

I have legs that go on forever. I love these legs and my ankles that make them look great.

I have an oddball coloring which allows me to wear almost anything and look either good or great.

I love the fact that I am an oddball. Weird is a delightful compliment to me.

I have a fast brain. I jump from thought to though quickly. I process a great deal of knowledge.

I can be wonderful in a crisis. I have handled deadlines with ease and have been a calming influence on others around me. I tend to make these things fun. (I am unsure if this is still the case so I can’t say so with confidence at this time but it has been there in spades in the past so it counts.)

I have great clothing fu and a huge amount of clothing to choose from in various sizes.

These are my things, not things others have complimented me on until I believe them. These are all things that grew into place from inside me.

I have the other side too. Things I don’t do well, weaknesses. There are huge quagmires of low self esteem that I fall into sometimes. But this post is about where I am awesome and things I admire about myself. Many find it hard to write these sorts of things out. Not sure why I find it rather easy. That is another thing I find awesome about me. I can own up to my own stuff, good or bad, wit relative ease. I accept who I am in all my shades.

(there is a little part of me that is now worrying that I look egotistical and not humble. It says I don’t want to appear like something I am not really. The rational side tells that little part to sit down and shut up. I never give the appearance as I really am, it is impossible via text like this. So what if this time I appear to have a bigger head than reality when other times I appear to have a smaller ego than reality. I tend to like cocky men, this is my chance to be a cocky woman. So there.)

I responded to a post and wanted to keep my response so it is getting put here.

the post etc