Monthly Archives: January 2011

Empty to Full in 3 hours.

My Life:
I put mom on the plane last night. Emptiness ahead.
Morning: Call to get foster kitten, set up for afternoon.
Hour later: Call from a friend in need of ppt help (how can I resist) but I need to go to her cause she is in pain.
Later: Calll from agency about a job. Later client wants to meet today.

Picking up kitten soon, driving to Dublin to help friend, job thing set for tomorrow (note: changed to today maybe even right now), maybe get help to clean apt tomorrow. Work prob Mon. Empty to overly full in 3 hours.

I try to ramp up slowly and ramp down slowly. But things seem to come together all at once. I am riding the waves of the Universe. I don’t think this drastic up and down is good for me. My normal operating procedure was full speed all the time. For the last couple of years I have learned what it is like to live at almost full stop. I used to stick my head out o my shell and gather too much at a time since that is what my skill was. I am focusing on trying to even it all out but the Universe seems to still be handing me full plates when it hands me plates. I don’t know how to moderate it.I even feel guilty taking the time to write this up.

I have been waiting for a foster kitten for two weeks and they were the first call this morning so I said yes. Then my friend called and she can’t make it to me (too much pain), she is in much need for what I am good at, people flake on her a lot so I find it that much more important to support her, and it isn’t that hard for me to get to her with what I have going on today so I say yes. Then I get the job call. I am not all that fond of the job possibility but beggars can’t be choosers and it isn’t bad, just not good so I say throw my hat into the ring. Well it turns out that the client wants to have candidates set up before tomorrow so they want to talk to me today (note: in person tomorrow turned into phone call today). Work is pretty much my top priority so I have to say yes. Everything is loaded onto today. The only thing that was my doing was cleaning the bathroom. I had been putting it off and had to do it right away for the kitten. Everything else was handed to me in an order that would get me to add it to my plate.

I know I have the possibility to say no but the only thing I want to say no to is the job thing and I am in no position to do that. The easiest thing to say no to would be the foster thing but I have worked to set up it up and after today it might be the only thing left. I could say no to my friend but she needs evidence that she deserves and can get supported when needed besides it is what I love to do. I can managed today without too much problem but it doesn’t help my focus of learning how to keep things in the middle ground between empty and full. It is my skill to handle multiple things piling on top of each other. Maybe writing this out is helping me see the parameters of my choices so I have more clear data for the next time the Universe hands me a plate and I can continue to work on finding the appropriate process. (I now am actually using this time to dwaddle to allow the work phone call to happen if it will happen right away instead of after 2).

And here I thought that today was going to end up being about catching up on tv shows I didn’t watch because I spent time with mom or recovering from time spent with mom.

X-posted to facebook

boredom is teh evil

In writing a comment to another threat it occurred to me that boredom is almost as bad as pain for me. The intensity levels are not the same but the feeling of needing to avoid it is similar.

I know boredom means I am not being distracted and distraction is how I deal with pain (and being uncomfortable). Does my fixation (what I use to avoid what I am really scared of) make boredom = pain? Could this be a relationship similar to anger = strength?

The problem with this idea is anger is something of a negative and you don’t want it but strength is a positive that you don’t want. The theory is if you suppress anger, you are also suppressing a large source of strength. To access that strength you need to embrace the anger and learn to deal with it.

Boredom is a mild negative, pain is a big negative. Part of the growth of a 7 is to embrace pain and learn it is not the end of the world. If a 7 were to embrace the threat of pain then boredom is no longer an issue because it is the tool used to avoid the pain.

Embracing boredom for its own sake would put the 7 in the Now which is something that is on the path for a 7 getting more healthy. But I think that is a tool of allowing the possibility of embracing pain. What else is threatening about the Now?

Boredom and Pain could have a relationship to each other that is similar to the relationship between Anger and Strength but I don’t think it is a good thing to deal with the two pairs in a similar way.

wired backwards – falling asleep

I don’t have a problem with someone falling asleep while I am talking. As long as I know it is happening.

I had a boyfriend that would fall asleep while I was talking at night and start to snore. That let me know it was time to stop talking. I appreciated it. Years after we went our separate ways, I was talking to him on the phone and didn’t hear anything from him after I was done. When I called out his name a few times, he answered like nothing was wrong. He had learned to fall asleep quietly in class and act like nothing had happened. It hurt a lot and really put a dent in my trust of just talking to him.

I think it ties into me only talking when people what to hear what I have to say. If someone is falling asleep on me, that means they are more tired than they are interested in what I am saying and I want to stop talking and let them have their sleep. I really do not want to be telling someone something they aren’t interested in. If they really are interested and their body is just taking over, I will suggest they get some sleep and I will tell them later. If people are bored with what I am saying, my throat closes of the words and I stop having anything to say.