Monthly Archives: October 2011

Today is better than yesterday

Paid Kaiser (missed last month) – check
Paid bills – check
Yelled at landlord for cashing my rent check early and set up electronic payment – check
Filled out CC timesheet and sent it in – check
Filled out KC invoicer and sent it in – check
Took shower – check (these days that is a big deal)
Cleaned out litterbox (do it all the time but still is an accomplishment) – check
Collected numbers to call two drs. – check
Checked on Kaiser apts for my birthday – check
Ate breakfast and took meds (again with the do this often but still counts as an accomplishment) – check.
Agreed to be submitted for a job for tomorrow – check

Gotten dressed – not yet
Fixed hair – not yet
Pick up more litter and kibble for foster kittens -
Pick up shirts from Target -
Pick up breakfast shakes from WalMart -
Get to South Bay for Fox Hollow (if this is a no go, then take stuff to storage) –
Check on job for tomorrow –

I am close to getting out of the house so I think I can make it today.

Yesterday I dissolved into a none moving puddle. I had to disappoint friends. I think the fact that I was pushed to cry about it is probably what is making it possible to move today instead of repeating the performance.

Today is much better than yesterday. I am still working on how to be functional on days like yesterday. Nothing really wrong that I can fix, just me being the problem version of me.

misc comments: TV, The Hermit, Good to work.

Misc comments I have wanted to post to the world (they go here since I am trying to wean myself off facebook):

The Hermit showed up twice today in two tarot card readings. Guess my mindfullness/meditation class gets priority time tonight.

I have been working the last few days and it feels great. Wonderful company in Emeryville. Sent home early due to no more work to do (but stayed and took care of my timesheet). I like it here and it felt good to work again. Before the work showed up, I actually finished some projects and had some good connection with other people which fed my soul well.

I am loving Heart of Dixie, Fringe, PanAm, and 2 Broke Girls on TV. They are shows I save so I can savor them. I am looking forward to trying Once Upon a Time and Grimm. Other favs that rank just as high are Plain Sight, Necessary Roughness, and Royal Pains (all which happen to be on the USA network). There are a lot of secondary shows I watch too. If I got BBC America I would be even more doomed.

Harry’s Law has been removed from my list of to watch ever. Loved it last season and they changed it so much I don’t like it at all. I watched the three part season opener and gave it one more show to see if it kept anything worthwhile. Nope.

When I don’t want to hear it, being picky, and what is valuable

I sent some stuff to my mom about me around her pushing info about myself at me without getting me onboard first. I wanted to save it here to archive it and because it does explain some stuff about me. It covers some strength/weaknesses about me and how I operate. It also lists something I consider very valuable and treasure.

“Helping me explore something is great. You have done a wonderful job and I think I have grown a lot from it. I really appreciate the walls you have given me as I let go of somethings and find new ways to hold them.

I think we run into trouble when you try to tell me something I don’t want to hear. I am sorry I can’t be the type of person that listens to everything and can take everything that is told to me. I feel like I fail at being a “good” person because of this and I know that is distorted thinking but I also acknowledge that does come up. I think I am great at being able to accept a lot about myself that most people wouldn’t be able to, that I can work on myself and others in ways that are rare and wonderful. I surmise that this ability is what I do in an attempt to not being able to handle being told other things. I am great if I can discover things for myself but lousy at having something pushed at me that I am not ready for. I am sorry if this means I am “less than” in your eyes. I am sorry that it means you don’t get to have your say the way you would like to. I am sorry it means you have to watch me run into the same walls over and over because I am not ready to see them as walls in my way yet. But it is me. It is who I am and how I work. This is a square peg thing that I am not willing to even attempt to change because I don’t think I can. It is an area that is way too vulnerable and fragile to modify. Being this way protected me from having my self esteem destroyed in elementary school as well as other parts of me in other parts of my life. I regret that I can’t pick up ways to get better from being pushed at but only because it causes problems, not because I think I shouldn’t be this way. I think my way is a good way even if it is square rather than round. It is who I am and I embrace, good or bad, it for all its strengths and all its weaknesses.

I would love it if we could find a way for you to lay out or present things you think would be good for me to learn but allow me to pick them up or walk around them. I do love finding new things about me to play with.

I have an idea how hard it is to understand me and meet me where I am with a problem I am having and helping me find a way out. I figure this is tiring and imagine there is some element of “why does it always have to be your way?” involved. My way has a lot of good to it, we have solved a lot of our issues by giving into my way. But that doesn’t mean my way is the only right way and it isn’t fair. I am doing what I can to learn other ways and try to make them work as well. Sadly, I think that it usually means that I learn someone else’s way and it becomes another one of my ways so I am not really changing at all. I can tell you it means a lot to me to have someone that can meet me inside of my way of thinking and help me bounce ideas around that I can’t get to myself. Something I also value enormously is people that have let me see how they really thing (this usually involves a lot of exposing vulnerabilities on their part) which allows me to adapt my ways to include what they need/want. I feel so honored when people trust me with that sort of info and when they allow me to help them. That is a richness in life I think it worth it and I find it very rare and only shows up infrequently. It is something I actively search for and in some ways makes it harder to be around for friends. It feels very risky for most people. This is why I want to find other people, people who value this. Of course, people that are like this a lot scare me and make me want to hide. I am aware of that too.

I may be narrow but that is because I am picky. I am picky because I am vulnerable and I hurt so easily. I am careful, oh so careful, to surround myself with things that will hurt me as little as possible. Yes that does make life hard. Yes, I probably making my life harder than it needs to be because of this choice. But I need it because I don’t know how to let it go and still not get massively hurt. You and I had email to relieve some of our issues and have reaped the rewards of not running into defenses. We were able to discuss our walls and make better, smaller ones and systems of notifying each other where the sensitive areas are so we could dismantle so much of our armory and we get to enjoy the juicy wonderfulness that was protected before. I can imagine that you can see this wonderful field of opportunity laying before me just waiting for me to step into it but I don’t have a safe way to get to it. Polton is a good example of how hurt I can get
by things that most people can just brush off.”