I suppose I should go home and find something for dinner. Hour commute *poo*
I could avoid it if I left earlier.
I am thinking this might count as a Twitter.

On a lighter note, I have a VHS cassette that has a Xmas video on it that I like to share every year. I missed out on one holiday gathering where it would have been appreciated but I realized that many things are available on Youtube.com.

So I present to you my traditional holiday video, Weird Al’s Christmas at Ground Zero, Anime style.

Normally this would be followed by Bird is the Word and an awesome video with scenes from Akira lipsynced to Pink Floyd’s Comfortably Numb but alas, they are not available via Youtube.

I am at work and grateful for it. I did nothing this weekend. Didn’t even crack the door outside. I did make food one day. Somebody called and I talked to him. I think that was it.

I am so over the holiday season. It feels like I have been through it and it should be over by now but there is still one more day to go. Then in theory, things get back to normal.

I thought it would be good to a tarot card reading for today. The question was Today’s focus (the thought was what should I focus on today). This is my reading.

The Fourfold Vision spread offers a progression of different ways of looking at an object, person, or situation. It is a powerful tool for gaining deeper insight into the specific subjects of other readings. The Cat People Tarot paints a picture of faraway lands trod by mystical archetypes and their feline companions. This deck is a perfect tool for dreamers and idealists, and is a great choice for divining the nature of human imagination. If you would like your own copy of the Cat People Tarot, you can buy it now!

The card on the far left represents the fourfold or mystical vision: still viewing through the previous three, we now add a spiritual element, revealing unseen aspects of the object. The Wheel of Fortune, when reversed: Failure. Ill luck. Broken sequence. Unexpected bad fate. Interruption or inconsistency due to unexpected events. Outside influences not contemplated.

Pretty damn dark. Looks like it is a good thing people aren’t needing to deal with me. This does seem somewhat close to how I am feeling. I have the numb version. This is the kind of reading you wish you hadn’t bothered with. Guess I just coast through today and see what tomorrow brings. That is what I did for the last two days. At least today I am at work and productive.

Ok, I know I am isolating myself again.

This weekend, all that happened was I went outside to get my pizza from the pizza delivery guy (and it took me 4 hours to finally make the phone call to order it) and I took a shower. I did make one phone call to let someone know I was still around. Other than that, nothing was done.

I had a gathering on Sunday I really wanted to go to. I had been excited about it all week and been collecting/buying stuff during the week for it. It is all in a bag ready to go. And I watched the clock and knew I was playing avoidance games. I knew it would be good for me to have the social contact and I couldn’t make myself do what I needed to leave. Mostly it was the showering and getting dressed that was more than I could face. Or at least it seemed that way since I didn’t get past it to find out if the other stuff would be hard or not. Before I am in the situation, I feel like there isn’t a problem and everything will be fine. Then it isn’t.

I have been feeling the lack of connection and I know I have built my life around me reaching out to others for my connection. I know this is not a useful technique when I don’t feel like I have the ability to reach out. I have been trying to see if I could build my life for it to be ok for others to reach to me. The sad thing is that I did have two people call me over the weekend and I didn’t talk to them. I have to return their calls sometime. I didn’t want the connection. I need it but I don’t want it.

In the growth that I have had over the last year, I have learned to have good and bad times together. It used to be that there was only bad or there was only good. Having the two mixed together was inconceivable. I have also gotten to the point where I KNOW that the depression will lift sooner or later. Before, it was always endless from inside of it. There are two very large steps for me and somewhat amazing.

But I have been in this depression I think for the entire year. I have worked hard and I don’t feel like I am getting better. I feel like I am getting worse. I don’t see how I can get better when the things that are good for me are the things I won’t do because I don’t wanna. My ability to override my wishes and do what I need to is shot. I really need to be enthusiastic to do anything but it seems that if I am too enthusiastic, I over shoot the mark and don’t do it either.

My therapist did say she is proud of me putting this information out there and letting people see it. This was a major component to the good parts I got out of Loscon. People knew what was up without me needing to tell them and they could give me whatever attention they had to give without cost to them or me. Then I come home to an empty home and all my friends are distant and have to be reached out to connect them.

I have also noticed that I will connected with a friend and I don’t let go. It is like hanging out with someone moves them to the top of my list and I will keep getting ahold of them again until I figure out to stop and then I let them lie again until something comes up.

This sucks. Blech

(BTW no need for a filter yet. The people I was concerned about appear not even to be lurking so if they aren’t reading, then they can’t be over-inundated with personal details.)

Wow, I didn’t expect how positive it would feel to have the responses I did on the last post. Thank you everyone. It was a good soothing feeling, probably because I feel seen and acknowledge. I know everyone is out there and pretty much already knew the sorts of things I got but to have evidence makes it more real. It is a good thing to have support for what I think I know.

The thing is I am really interested in the “nays.” There is no point to a filter without any “nays.” And in reading through the responses, I realized it would be very hard to be a dissenter with so many “yays.” I am setting this post with screened comments in hopes that those that don’t want to be dragged through my personal darkness can let me know in a way that feels safe for them.

I have had the attitude that anyone wanting to read what I write is welcome to. Then I switched to a Friends Only mode pretty much because my family members were becoming aware of blogs and I didn’t want to have to worry about them finding mine. I would still add people that wanted to read and not worry about filters.

Lately I have been thinking about it some more. I have a number of people that know me very casually and probably don’t want to be weighing through the emotional crap that has been surfacing recently. I did a cut-tag of the last two entries so that those that are not interested can skim on by. I don’t think that works overly well. I don’t want to chase people away with the melodrama that is my life at this moment or have their views on me colored by only the dark I am in that will affect they way they avoid me when we meet in person.

I still plan on putting the thoughtful posts on how things work and inter-relationships out into the friends-only open level. But the stuff that is more of a status on where I am and what I am going through, I think should be behind a filter. I know some people get some good out of knowing that others are going through the same stuff, some appreciate a different point of view on something they have never experienced, some get entertainment, and some care about what is up with me. And there could be other reasons.

I have ideas on who would be interested in being in the filter and who would like to be out but I want feedback from the people I am doing this for.

So my request is that everyone from my friends list (especially the lurkers) give me a “yay” or “nay” or “whatever” to being included on the Sensitive Materials filter.

Edit: comments are now screened