I feel like I have been fighting myself a lot lately. I work very hard to do one thing and work just as hard not to move at all. This isn’t the passive fighting I was doing a year ago. This is straining in both directions. The muscles alongside my spine have been aching since last Sat I think because of how hard I have been trying to actually do things. I had a dream today about flinging myself around because that was the only way I could move sometimes. I would even fall asleep in the middle of things I wanted to be doing. It caused all sorts of problems if you can imagine. And oddly my surroundings are a lot like they are right now. I was just less aware and less able to move.

I have taken the first step in the Dr Amen better brain process. I have added supplements to my morning pill pile. Fish Oil is the next step. I do wonder if this first step is related to the fighting. If I am getting to a point where I am trying to push rather than just collapse and let whatever happen.

The last two days I have fallen asleep at 6pm. It doesn’t matter when I get up, if I have had loads of sleep beforehand or was short sleep, I have noticed a tendency to get drowsy at 6pm. The amount of sun seems irrelevant too. It has happened at different times of the year. One thing that is consistent between yesterday and today was drinking Arizona ice tea beforehand. I was very thirsty yesterday and it was part of quenching my thirst. Today I stuffed myself with food and it was the drink of choice. It affecting me like a sleep aid would be a drastic and quick change from how it affected me before.

I hurt tonight. I have written out the story and babbled about more stuff as part of the process of figuring out what to do with this hurt and how to deal with it and what it means. A very old misunderstanding got some clarification and took me right back to how it felt when it happened and has shaken up some things in how I have viewed stuff from my past.

It isn’t any real big deal other than how it is affecting me. Just another example of how I can handle some big things with ease and how a little pebble that most people wouldn’t even notice can derail me and bring me to my knees.
story time

Dream time again. This one about a big fight due to a politics difference of opinion with my dad and how he doesn’t feel safe anymore. I think I know where different pieces come from and I wrote them out too.
onward to awkward dreamland

Supposedly 7s have a hard time with commitment. I know my flake factor wasn’t so bad before I moved to CA but it is a genuine part of me now. I remember when I wouldn’t decide if I was going to a convention until the month or maybe the week before and I would work if you didn’t count on me and I showed up.

When I started with the 9 sisters group, it was an 18 month commitment. I had never went into anything with that kind of length requirement. At the time I was looking at a 10 year commitment for Diamond Heart and was amazed I would even consider it.

I am seeing places where I do commit and it is stunning to me how hard it is to let go when that is a position I am forced to take. When I commit, it is anchored to something buried deeply inside myself. I will put up with an amazing amount of crap and still hold strong.

I have been asked the question “do you keep your promises,” and need to answer that I don’t always. I am having a great deal of trouble with my motivation and following through on things. I can’t tell if I will actually do it or not, I can only plan on trying.

With true commitment, I don’t think I make any promises. I just am. True commitment is an agreement between my head, my heart and my gut. I don’t always get notified until something affects that commitment. Then I find out how strong it is.

I didn’t realize how much I had committed to 9 sisters. More than was asked for and more than there was. I was still committed to continuing after it was all over. This didn’t match up with the reality around me so there were problems with this.

I am committed to the work on myself. I can’t believe what I do for that and what I am willing to endure. Sometimes I sit and watch in amazement at what I am doing.

I was committed to a friendship that I am informed is over. It still doesn’t make sense because his actions and his words don’t seem to match up to me.

I am committed to another friendship that is currently on the rocks. I figure I will back off and wait as it comes around again, if it comes around again. His issues might revolve around his marriage and he doesn’t know it and I don’t want that to ever change for him.

I was committed to my captain even though as a friend, he pissed me off more than not. As my captain, he had my support.

With me, there are some things that just are. Usually they need to be questioned before I notice that they have that status. Some people will always be welcome in my life. I may not be able to deal with them at a particular time, but after I have had time to get through it, there is a spot for them. Just is.

I was not committed to my job. I wish, oh how I wish I was, but I wasn’t.

This is written in relationship to a number of friendships and other things that are in flux. It is mostly written about some guys in and not in my life and the ones that come up the most in thinking through this rant aren’t on LJ. It may hit buttons for those that are on my friend’s list. It may or may not apply to people who read it therefore I am putting it behind a cut tag. Those friends of mine that have had a discussion about this with me, be at ease, we are fine. We have mapped out the territory and you get to benefit of me being too easy without generating the angst.
let the rant begin

I thought I had posted about this but it looks like I forgot or it was a fb thing and didn’t make it here. note: Bwaaahaaahaaa. Guess something in me decided that I needed to post about it again. I didn’t realize the clean floor post, just one just before this one, included the panic attack.

A friend helped me do laundry (7 loads) and two weeks later helped me put it away. While doing the washing and drying, I had a number of times I would start to go into a panic but I was able to stop, get my breathing slowed down and physically pull myself back from the edge. Very proud of myself.

During the two weeks between times she could help me, I would look at the pile of clean clothes and feel like I was just avoiding putting them away by waiting. I am very glad I waited.

Turns out that as I was hanging shirts in the closet, I started having trouble breathing and staying calm. I kept pushing because damn it, all I was doing was putting away clean clothes. Where is the problem with that. Besides, I managed to pull myself back from a panic when doing the washing part and that is harder to face. Nope. I am not sure but I think I hit a full on panic attack. Didn’t really recognize it as such until my friend said something that reminded me I had drugs that could help. I took one and then went ahead and gave myself room to not push it any more. I ended up crying so hard on her shoulder and I am not really even sure how I got to that point.

I am walking somewhere dark inside and I don’t have a clue what it is related to. I am pretty sure it has nothing to do with my clothes are the amount of them but that did manage to push the button. My clean floor is cluttered again. Seems it feels safer to me even though my head wants it picked up. Also, I haven’t made the final efforts to make the bed usable again. More putting something off again. Don’t know if it is for the same reason but it looks the same from this angle. I think it is too big for me right now. Too much space and too orderly even though it is covered with stuff.

Ah the joys of living inside this head. At least now that I am watching what is going on, I do find it interesting.

I have floor space in the living room and in the bedroom, both!!! The corners still need work but there are big spots of open space now. It only took two days over two weeks, a full panic attack with meds and a number of mini panic attacks that were stopped before growing too big, one crying fit, many many Breathe Deep instructions, help from an outside source, and lots of hand holding and lots of distractions.

I don’t have a clue what is sending me into panic attacks and that scares me. Which of course increases the panic. It is good I did the work because hopefully I can do a better job of maintaining it than when someone just cleans it for me. Although it could go the other way with me remembering how much it cost me to do it this time, I will be disinclined to keep working at it.

I might even be able to sleep in my bed again. It has been over a year since that has been a possibility.

I love being able to help friends out with my normal babbling and advice giving. I can’t help but come up with advice when I see a problem. It is great when this is helpful rather than annoying.

I appreciate them sharing their problem with me and being able to do something to help settle it. I present information and ideas. I don’t have an investment in them taking my advice. Or at least I try hard not to. My advice is about what I would do in their shoes and based on my experiences. The problem isn’t mine. Sometimes I give a couple of advice ideas that are contrary to each other just to present different points of view in case one fits better than another.

Hopefully for them, figuring out what they feel about my advice will give them a good idea what they want to do. It is their job to listen and interact with me and then choose what they will do.

My advice is worth what you pay for it, nothing. It is up to the receiver to weight it and give value to it.

I will admit I do get disgustingly delighted when I am told someone followed my advise and things worked out great. I also enjoy it when I am told that my advice made them think of things in a different way and they did something completely different and it worked out.

Just got back from meeting someone from OKCupid and I am exhausted. There have been articles running around about how self-control/will power gets used up when you are trying for a change and watching everything you do. (http://www.fastcompany.com/video/why-change-is-so-hard-self-control-is-exhaustible) Guess what you do when you meet a stranger with no ties to the people you know.

He is a good guy. I have always known that I had little interest in small talk and the surface level of people but I find it interesting to observe this in action. I don’t date much and any man I do date I usually either know as a friend or is connected closely with friends and I have gotten to know him somewhat. When OKCupid boy and I met and started talking about everything, I observed a flow of information. At first there were the surface social things that seemed appealing. As more time was spent and we set ourselves a task of building a kite and take it flying, I started to notice characteristics of both mine and his that would work well together and would clash. Our basic personalities were getting into the mix. It wasn’t until hour six that we got to the type of stuff that I would consider worth the effort in getting to know him better. And, as is usual around me, it was after we decided it was time to stop and send him home. Total time, eight hours. It was light when we started wrapping up, it was flat black night when we finally drove our separate ways.

Typical dating advice says to avoid certain topics, like discussing your ex. Those sorts of things don’t phase me at all. I am actually interested in that sort of info because it is part of a person’s life story. When a story of mine includes an ex-boyfriend, he gets included. Things like order small amounts of food and such are so unimportant that they barely show on my radar.

What I find triggers my alarms is how someone handles things. This guy went out of his way to get materials for the kite and was very detailed in building it when I was in the mood to just slap something together, see how it worked, and have fun with it. I can see where this quality could really end up bothing me. Currently I am guessing that this might point to a focus on compentency or perfectionism. As it is, I would be driven nuts but that is true of pretty much the entire human race. Once I learn how to deal with something, I also know the person better and have an investment in their value to me and then it stops being an issue for me. Understanding leads to tolerance without effort for me.

It will be interesting to see how things develop.

This link has a video to how they suggest doing something to your website so users of IE6 view it, it is more of a problem than upgrading browsers.

http://ajaxian.com/archives/amelie-a-devious-plan-to-get-rid-of-ie6

The reason why I am posting it is after watching it carefulyl, it seems to look like what my eyes do on an off. Just fine for a bit then things move and blur. Since they are doing it while watching the video, I can’t be sure. It seems rather mild.

I figure this would give those that are interested a hint at what I am deal with. Far as I can tell, it isn’t any big deal. But then again I have gotten used to it.