Monthly Archives: January 2012

Turning points, revelations, meds

Sticking this hear so I have a time stamp on it.
I will be upping my meds today. Didn’t take any yesterday, not morning not evening dose.
But something seems to have shifted in me before the meds.
Noticed a pattern about a friend who puts what she does for others as a higher priority than what she does for herself. How she abuses herself to fulfil a commitment to herself, doesn’t give herself room so as not to abuse herself and how I have gotten abused as part of the process because I am willing to show up and help putting me on the same level as herself. No judgement, just the beginning of seeing a pattern that I suspect will show light on similarities in how I have set up my life.

How making changes as an adult doesn’t work because they require demanding your own way and that only works as a child. Trying to grow the tropical plant version of yourself after being planted in a desert for years surrounded by things that work for cactus but not for orchids. Trying to bring in tropical influences and watching them fail because the rest of the support structure isn’t there. How to bring new blossoms into a life without totally transplanting oneself. The value of making space for what you want to arrive in your life instead of collecting it first and making room later. Or collecting it first to get enough that it can support itself when it does arrive. ???

Partial thoughts that need work. But still before the med change. Don’t want one to be credited for the other if that isn’t the case. It might just be time and the thoughts and the meds showed up together to support one another.

wired backwards – nightmare vs dream

I rarely get nightmares and things that should frighten me in dreams rarely do. I woke up and had to work at not going back to sleep and tell myself that zombies and tigers that could float and escape were not real over and over and over. I was really afraid of that the zombie floating tigers were real and what could happen.

Friends betraying me was just a story and no big deal.

The zombie tigers that can float and contaminate dogs and people with a bite escaping the US Capitol building and as a team, the solution might mean going in, sealing all the windows and exits, killing all of them and then ourselves so that nothing can escape into the world to lead to its destruction might have been the closes thing to a nightmare I can remember. I could replay it with different possible solutions and each time it ended up with it being best to seal up everything and destroy ourselves. I woke up and had to work at not going back to sleep and telling myself that zombies and tigers that could float and escape were not real over and over and over. I was really afraid of the zombies and needing to deal with them and being bit.

Being very groggy, I did fall back to sleep very quickly and my next dream was set in the same place but I was a tech in Ops cleaning up problems and trying to stay out of the public eye. The zombies and tigers that could float didn’t exist and the problems included bombs and explosions,treachery and intrigue. We were good at hiding the fact that there were problems and were at risk of being blown up instead of the original targets.

Working ops for the President/US Capital and almost being killed multiple times by attempts to hurt the government and then being betrayed by my partner and having my father and myself rigged with a series of deadly booby traps was dealable. Turns out he was working with a long time family friend and a new friend setting me up for my demise. Each person’s reason was the opposite extreme from their actions and the same for my response. In the end, it even made sense.

I could replay this and watch what happened to me over and over and it happened the same way every time. So my partner who did all the work planting bombs on me but seemed to actually care for me, was killed. Because we were Ops, we face death all the time as that was no big deal for him. It was quick and painless but very dangerous for me to do. The long time family friend who planned and staged it all as well as manipulated everyone into doing the work, was sent on her way with warnings that I knew what she was doing and she should stop. She was angry with me over some imagined slight her lover (which turned out to be my partner) had done because he was busy working with me. We (my father and another friend) brought a law suit against her for some completely unrelated issue. Some land she inherited and how she presented herself. Turns out her heart, her life, and the image she has of herself was really connected to that land and the story she tells herself about her connection. Death would be bad for her but taking this connection away and having her live with that would be devastating. There was little risk to me.

Writer’s Block: Leave a Message After the Beep

Hi, this is the refrigerator. No one can make it to the phone right now but if you leave a message with me, I will write it down and stick it to myself with a magnate.

I have had the same message for over 15 years because I have friends and family that like hearing and talking to my refrigerator and I get messages with giggles from new people like work clients, job possibilities, and businesses. One person at an agency used to say he was Prince Philip in a can when he talked to my refrigerator. Too many people seem to enjoy it and I haven’t seen any negative reactions so it has become as part of me as my rat tail. If I change it, people will be concerned for me.

The Bloggess and depression

The Bloggess posted a serious post about depression ( I felt the need to comment and I wanted to keep a copy of what I said.

I have been fighting bouts of depression for almost 30 years. It has defined about a third to half my life. I hide it really well, this is how I handle getting through it. I can seem very upbeat and energetic and enthusiastic in the middle of deep depressions. People don’t have a clue. I have been openly talking about it for at least a decade. I am working hard to learn new ways to cope, to actually not have it define my life. But with learning new things I am not very good at them so I am not escaping my depression as well. My big problem right now is knowing when I am actually depressed and it is a mountain to move so I shouldn’t try to force it because the cost is days of inability to move afterwards or when I am just being lazy and don’t want to get up and if I actually do push past the resistance, the day brightens up and gets better.

I have disconnected from a lot of friends and events because it has been hard to keep up on them and I am tired of disappointing people and flaking. I have stopped asking for help as often because the help I have gotten was good at the moment but hasn’t had lasting effect and is losing its ability to even do that much anymore. I have been stuck in this bout for at least 3 years. Intellectually I know I have gotten better but I feel like I am in the same place and I am coming up on a pit. But I keep trying. Sometimes I give in and wallow and rest and the next time I push I have more strength. But I have loads of self-hate for what I feel I should be able to do even though I know better.

There is a blogger on LJ called theferrett who wrote about his struggle and I found the post to be very inspiring ( He puts forth that those that face depression and suicide and come out the other side are Heroes. They have gone through mighty battles and survived. I think your post and his work together well. Thank you for sharing your ideas and bring this sort of thing into the light for so many people. ,/i>