It is good that my mom and I are getting along. But I find I am exhausted and worn out. Part of it is that I just don’t get the juice of energy I get from hanging out with friends. Part of it is that it is hard work between us. We both want to do things right and to fully understand the other and clearly explain our positions. And that takes a lot of work. It has been easy with others but I wonder how much of that is them just letting things slide when I keep poking at things. My mom and I both poke.
I think I am getting an understanding of just how hard it is to be around me sometimes.
I want things to be clear and want it enough to work hard at it. For awhile I only wanted to deal with people who were willing to do the same work. Lately I have different levels to choose from. I still want it all but can be told where to set the dial so that people don’t get overloaded. I figure in the future as I learn more and have more practice, I will be able to read the situation and people well enough to be able to set the dial on my own. Or I won’t care as much all the time to have the clarity of understanding and connection that I want now.
Having my mom tell me the things I do and that I insist on that makes it hard to have friends and then give me advice on how to change is not something I need or want from her. Especially since she doesn’t have that many friends. Also something I have a fear of is becoming like her and naturally following a similar path as she the one has carved out for herself. I am different from her but there are a lot of similarities that could lead to the same places and I very much do not want to live like she does. It gives her what she considers important but she has not been able to do or keep the things I consider important. There is the underlying fear that I won’t have the ability to keep those things either (like gainful employment, stability, a group of friends, my health, the ability/skill to take care of myself and accomplish what I want in America).
I managed to recognize what was going on and stop her before she got very far down the list of advice. What is funny is that what I catch her doing seems to have nothing to do with what her intention is. If I stop her and ask her why she is doing something, I get an answer that doesn’t seem to be related to what I just stopped her from doing/saying. She has a very different brain process than I do for all our similarities. This might be why it is so tiring to be with her. And I am sure some of it is having my defenses on alert all day long for two and a half days.