Now that it is the next day, I am doing even better. Still sucks but my reactions and feelings are more inline with the actual issue rather than at the top end of the scale like they were yesterday.
I think this was the kick in the butt something in me has been looking for. Hopefully I will be able to work with it so I don’t have to do this again. I woke up this morning with three different options of which direction to go in. One has been ruled out, thinking on the others.
I had been pretty unmotivated at work for awhile and today it is starting to feel good not to have to go back in. It was such a better fit than any previous job, I felt I had to love it and enjoy being there. The things I normally got dinged for in past jobs were the thing things this placed liked about me. But I guess something wasn’t fitting right somehow, otherwise I wouldn’t have been as unmotivated as I was. And I couldn’t admit to it because I insisted to myself that it was so perfect for me. Don’t get me wrong, it was a great job and it is a great company. I am just thinking that I couldn’t see what might really be going on with me because I didn’t allow any room for any negatives.
I had forgotten the Gina-quirk of feeling things soooooo much when they first happen and that they tapper off and I approach a reasonable level of feeling after the first rush. I am still scared. I don’t know what I am going to do for work. I really shot myself in the foot with a really good place to work. I am hoping I can work some good out of it, for myself, for them and if I get lucky for others as well.
I have some work to do on myself and this might be the time and space to do just that. No idea what and I hate not knowing. But stepping forward is part of the process.
OK the shock is settling in and I am appreciating it. I am starting to do some things to make things better. I just sent out the email at the bottom and I feel so good about it.
Being present when things suck hurts like hell. I think I am finding that being present when you get past that hurt is very rewarding. And then it dips into hurt again. It will be an interesting ride with my eyes open this time.
I sent the email to the entire company and my boss said it was perfect when she read it.
I am going to miss everyone. I have loved working here and think this is one of the greatest companies I have ever worked for. I am really going to miss answering people’s questions.
Feel free to ping my home email shipofoolsXXXXXX.
I should be here for the rest of the day making thing neat and tidy so they can be picked easily by Dave and my replacement. I am not doing any new formatting jobs but if there is something you think of that you want from me before I go, now is the time to ask. (ok you can ask later but I won’t have as many resources).
Document Design Specialist
From: Bonnie xxxxxxx
Sent: Friday, June 19, 2009 1:54 PM
Subject: Gina’s departure
Gina Palmer will be leaving Ne\N at the end of the day today. I know you join me in wishing her well in her next endeavors. She will be missed.
We will be seeking a replacement candidate very soon. In the meantime, Dave will be working on Wednesdays and Kevin will be available for additional hours as to fill the gap.
(edited to remove inappropriate information)
Well, I managed to get myself fired from the best place I have ever worked. And I shot my self in the foot slowly over pretty much the entire time I have been here. Today I was informed that I had reached the final straw when I didn’t realize we were getting close to the end of the haystack.
They are going to miss me, I am going to miss them. I am going to try to keep in touch and help out when I can. They are losing a very valuable resource and my boss loves me. She liked me to much so I managed to end up far out on the limb when it broke and can’t scurry back.
It was me coming in late. The little bits and slides of 10 to 15 minutes here and there over and over. Arrival time has been a problem for me from the very beginning and it was really bad there for awhile. I had gotten much better but didn’t realize that I had a drop dead time. I would waiver a little to one side or the other and thought I was doing good enough. I found out today that it has had a large impact. People didn’t trust that I would be there. The east coast stopped sending as much to Pubs as they should have and mistakes found their way to the clients.
It doesn’t matter that I have helped save them from other mistakes, it doesn’t matter that there are ways around dealing with my arrival time. I am an adult, I should be able to deal with this small issue and I didn’t.
When I stop to think about it, I hurt so much. I am so mad at myself for doing this to myself. And I am scared. I don’t know what I am going to do. I know jobs are out there, I know they are hard to find. I am going to have to fight to get one. I am scared of all the empty time I am going to have and how bad I am at filling it just on weekends. I get cobra and I get unemployment so that is good.
I have been untouched by the economy so far. Well I guess I get to feel it and find out what it feels like now.
WEll, the dizzys are back. And they are different.
They hit yesterday for the first time in a long time. But I couldn’t see them, i.e. they did not make my vision mess up the way I am used to. The pressure on my head was similar and very noticible. I had a hard time seeing what was in front of me.
Last night when I had glowing lights to streak when things moved, I was able to see what was going on. Typical dizzys is the eyes/vision shaking between upper left to lower right for a period of 3 to 9 seconds. What happened yesterday is something would start and then restart, and restart, one right after another, like waves hitting the beach at about a frequency of 3 to 4 a second. And because there wasn’t really any time where it lasted, I couldn’t tell what direction they were going in. I think it was mostly down. It might have just been the neutral to lower right half of the typical dizzys.
This new sensation started around 4pm and swelled and retreated for the rest of the day. It calmed down a little toward the end of the night but it was still there. When I woke up this morning, it was all gone.
Closing my eyes helps but I think that is more of a relief aspect (because I am not straingin to see through this odd effect) than make the problem better aspect.
This is getting written up now because this afternoon it started again. It was strong at first and diminished quicker than yesterdays attack. It is not related to food at lunch. Yesterday I had a chicken and avocado sandwich around 1:30pm, today I hadn’t eaten anything yet. I have been having the same breakfast for the last 6 months at least.
Comments are disabled, this is just a note to self.
I was looking something up and I noticed the_ferrett livejournal has been deleted. I know some of my friends have his blog friended and are probably keeping up on LJ.
I saw a comment by him on May 30th so it has only been in the last few days. Does anyone know what has happened to his blog? Could it be that he changed the blog name?