I get annoyed with people that seem to post always happy things even when things are going badly for them. They appear to always look on the bright side. I feel like it draws more people to them and makes them more appealing to others. I resent that I am not that way. I get my dark moods and everything is crap and I feel untrue to myself if I pretend it isn’t crap to others. I feel like I will be creating a barrier that will keep me from connecting with others if I start pretending. I wish I could be one of those people that could always see and embrace the silver lining. But I am learning to live in the crap and be ok with that and that is where I am.

Then something big happens to me. This time around I fell and didn’t catch myself thereby using my face as my landing gear. Hurts like hell. Many times it feels like more than I can handle and I am surprised over and over by it not being as big a deal as I suspected it would be. As one friend pointed out, I look like I have survived a zombie attack.

As I get more of a handle on things, I find I am turning them into funny things. I left a message for a friend and later when she got back to me she asked if I was on drugs because I sounded so happy. When people would see me for the first time I strike a pose with a smile and ask “So, how do I look?” or “Don’t I look great?” I am working on a fun story to go with my face, like surviving a zombie attack, or losing a fight about gravity with the sidewalk, or having a new boyfriend.

When I broke my ankle/foot, it has a fabulous time. I was happy the entire month I had the cast. There were down times and miserable times but for the most part it was fun. I drew the bones on the outside of the cast and showed off the break. It is covered in signatures and stuff. Currently the cast is hanging on my wall as a reminder of how many friends I have.

When the chips are down, I am one of those annoying happy people. I will find a way to have fun with the crap in my life. The day to day stuff, it doesn’t make me happy. I want to get to a point where the day to day stuff doesn’t take me down/under. I do like what I do with the real emergencies/crap even if that behavior annoys me in others at other times. I am content with being a hypocrite on this issue.

Someone on fb made a statement that teachers paid plenty (based on the fact that some teachers are the highest paid in America) and we are not getting what we pay for (we pay taxes and the dropout rate is high and increasing). This hit a button of mine and I downloaded. Since I wrote so much, I figured it should be copied into my lj for a record.

Sorry, I don’t thing that “some of the highest paid” equals teachers not getting paid to little. Given what we expect of all teachers and the value they have in our society which sets education as a requirement for success, I think there are a lot of teachers that get paid too little for what they produce.

I think of the big reasons we don’t get what “we pay” for is the limitations we put on some of the good teachers. We expect no child left behind which means not being able to focus on the kids that are far ahead (so some drop out because school is too boring) and we mainstream problem students (behavior and learning problems) which cause the entire class to not advance well in learning. We teach to standardize tests instead actual learning. We are cutting back on education budgets so that we have larger teacher to student ratios which cause slowed learning and lack of supplies. There are a lot of cases where parents aren’t supporting teachers and making the teacher responsible fir Johny failing in school when Johny isn’t doing his homework and the teacher has done everything they can to engage the parents (I have actual evidence for this scenario multiple times over).

Yes, some teachers get paid well and may not be giving back the type of results desired. That would have to be looked at on a case by case basis. To average all results for all teachers and say we aren’t getting what we pay for and claiming their are getting paid plenty by looking at only a few is making a poor argument.

I would be interested in seeing how much money we are paying for teachers. Just because we pay taxes (and almost everyone thinks they pay too much in taxes), how much of that is really going to education for the results we are getting. I have a feeling there are a lot of other places that give a much poorer ROI than education.

A point that is under my skin lately is the true value of education. 60k is not a lot of money. I make that amount and all I do is push PowerPoint around and some graphics which is a hell of a lot easier than teaching. A teacher is responsible for the behavior and education of x students. To me this is a very valuable commodity in our society. But it is not valued as such. Football players, singers, actors, hedge fund CEOs, so many people that make things people like get paid multiples of a teacher’s salary and we don’t blink. For what a teacher is responsible for, the results of their effort and work, is not respected enough, IMHO, and they are not paid enough for what we are getting.

I know a few teachers that left the field because it wasn’t worth the pain and suffering. A lot of teachers don’t do it for the money. They do it for the love of teaching. The drop out rate hurts them as well. I bet a lot of them if not most of them would be interested in taking a salary bump in the form of funds to spend on supplies, support, equipment, experiments, some other way to help them achieve their own goals in teaching.

I also acknowledge there are teachers out there taking up space, doing just the minimum they need to in order to cash a paycheck or get their pension. I just think there are a lot more out there that are really invested in making things work. I don’t think throwing more money at our teachers is going to fix anything. If we are going to throw more money at the issue, I think there are a lot of places that money could give us better results because we are so deep in the hole already. Teachers are already willing to work for their too small pay. Give them what they need and can use to improve their results. The system is pretty messed up and needs work.

A lot of times I feel I can clearly see the point of views of both sides of an estranged couple and it is obvious why there is a problem. I may not agree with a point of view but I can see where they are coming from. I will try to explain to one side how the other side is not the way s/he is thinking they are, that they are making judgments and assumptions that are more based on his/er values rather than on the other person’s values and have it all wrong. In some cases it is like watching paint hit a wall and slide off of it without leaving a mark. It is soooo frustrating. I don’t mind if they don’t understand or agree with the other point of view. It is the unwavering attitude that they are right about the other person’s motivations and it can’t be otherwise. I would be happy with a “well, that doesn’t make sense to me but I will grant that I probably don’t know why they do what they do.” I would be tickled if I managed to get them to see how they could be projecting their own stuff onto the other. But nope, in these cases, it doesn’t matter what I say or how I say it or what evidence I bring to bare, s/he stays convinced that the actions of the other person is for certain motivations. I feel like banging my head against said wall because I can see how many more problems are going to arise out of this lack of empathy for both parties. I also feel my ability to communicate is failing.

My attitude is one of the main reasons they aren’t working as a couple is because they don’t understand where the other one is coming from.

What I wonder is those that seem to be able to hear the different point of view or at least consider that there is a different point of view that is just as valid even if it isn’t understandable, are they just humoring me so I will shut up about it? Or do they really get it?

Also, I wonder how I am when I am upset and angry at someone I cared about. Do I have the same sort of blind spot where I can’t allow another point of view to exist or give it any validity. I can see where it would be a survival mechanism. It would be very important during the heat of an argument but months and years later, it should be able to be released for your own sake, never mind the past other. How can you understand what really went on and how to grow from it if you don’t allow things to be different than your kneejerk reaction.

I think I have the ability to accept that others have valid points of view that aren’t mine when I am on the opposite side. It would be sad if it turns out that I am deluding myself and I am a wall that paint doesn’t stick to either.

Today I worked out how to start a blog on my portfolio website and deleted it learning it takes over the entire site. I have a support email in asking how to make it just one of my pages.

I have the blank house key cut as well as another house key that I have been keeping my eye out for years. After two locksmith failures on monday, this is sort of big. I still need to get gate keys made but I have a plan for that.

If I count staying up overnight and working on this this morning, then I also figured out how to create the tapered line I wanted for my Illustrator vines. It isn’t turning out to look like I wanted so it got put away to think on some more.

On Monday I did the basic construction of the charge station I have been planning. Today I hooked it up and am using it. It still needs either plastic grass, pebbles or felted wool pebbles (ideas I am working on) but it has reached a milestone.

I decided that I am tired of watching myself and stepping carefully and feeling tied up in knots. I am going back to my attitude that I don’t need to fix everything I can find out about myself all right now and people can just deal with me being me like they have to this point. And I found myself trying to work out apology/not apology but info swap communication standards with two separate people (maybe three if you count my mom and her Ahhhhh I don’t know what is up with you and I am sure you must hate me because you aren’t getting a hold of me question.) Guess that is just part of who I am right now and I am going to continue to work on it. But I think I will rest the mantle of babble and overly long story telling back on my shoulders and say tough it, you put up with me this long, you can last a while longer. And those that don’t like it shouldn’t be around me anyway.

I got out of the house and protein into me. On the down side, that was the last food I have eaten and I am long overdue for another meal. I was planning on pizza because I would actually eat it but managed to put it off until too late. I am slowly working my way back to the mid ground.

I took pictures of my key success. I have plans to take pictures of my charge station. I have plans on how to organize my Palace of Fine Arts photos before that fever wears off. I want to post in my new blog projects I get to milestones. I may take forever to finish something, or never finish it but I am actually doing things again and that is important to note.

I managed to get past the fighting of myself I have been doing and sent in the final of a freelance project I have been working on since Aug. I am soooo tired of this project. Next time (if they actually want there to be a next time) it will need to be structured as little bitty projects that wrap up, go away and come back with the next stage instead of this feeling of the endless return of the same thing with another level of futzing to be done and it goes away again.

I also took back the kitty supplies. It was planned for monday, then tue, then… and didn’t happen as I fell down the rabbit hole. It looks like I probably have agreed to take on two 6wk old kittens. The bathroom has been bleached and cleaned up. Clearing the way for the kittens should be a lot easier this time. I miss the responsibility and structure. But three weeks was reaching a limit. I will see how it goes this time. I am glad it is two so they can be rowdy with each other and leave my skin alone.

I still have serious stuff I have been avoiding but I am getting closer (I am choosing not to look at that stuff since it will really harsh my mellow). Considering that this morning I felt like a complete failure at everything, ending the day in the mode and mood I am in is a drastic improvement. Still feel like crap and still want to quit but I am a moving pile of crap instead of a lump of crap doing nothing but making myself more miserable by wallowing in my misery.

Probably pasta for food and hopefully sleep. Maybe I will help out the White Elephant sale tomorrow and pick up some frames. I am in a Maker mood. Although I think I fall under Crafter rather than Maker.