I get annoyed with people that seem to post always happy things even when things are going badly for them. They appear to always look on the bright side. I feel like it draws more people to them and makes them more appealing to others. I resent that I am not that way. I get my dark moods and everything is crap and I feel untrue to myself if I pretend it isn’t crap to others. I feel like I will be creating a barrier that will keep me from connecting with others if I start pretending. I wish I could be one of those people that could always see and embrace the silver lining. But I am learning to live in the crap and be ok with that and that is where I am.
Then something big happens to me. This time around I fell and didn’t catch myself thereby using my face as my landing gear. Hurts like hell. Many times it feels like more than I can handle and I am surprised over and over by it not being as big a deal as I suspected it would be. As one friend pointed out, I look like I have survived a zombie attack.
As I get more of a handle on things, I find I am turning them into funny things. I left a message for a friend and later when she got back to me she asked if I was on drugs because I sounded so happy. When people would see me for the first time I strike a pose with a smile and ask “So, how do I look?” or “Don’t I look great?” I am working on a fun story to go with my face, like surviving a zombie attack, or losing a fight about gravity with the sidewalk, or having a new boyfriend.
When I broke my ankle/foot, it has a fabulous time. I was happy the entire month I had the cast. There were down times and miserable times but for the most part it was fun. I drew the bones on the outside of the cast and showed off the break. It is covered in signatures and stuff. Currently the cast is hanging on my wall as a reminder of how many friends I have.
When the chips are down, I am one of those annoying happy people. I will find a way to have fun with the crap in my life. The day to day stuff, it doesn’t make me happy. I want to get to a point where the day to day stuff doesn’t take me down/under. I do like what I do with the real emergencies/crap even if that behavior annoys me in others at other times. I am content with being a hypocrite on this issue.