First, I have to say I am AWESOME. In the real sense of the word, Awe. I pulled off something that didn’t look like it was going to happen and used about every erg of energy and ability I have to do it. And it came off great. Less than I would have liked but still something special.
cut because it got long

I have been learning so much lately. It feels like I am mid-semester and info is just coming at me from all sides.

I am involved in so many things that are bringing lessons to me. I am head of Theater Tech for BayCon. I am instrumental in getting a bachelorette party happening at BayCon and it has grown to delightful proportions. I am taking an enneagram panel class. I am working at a temp job for a market research analysis company. I have a new friend/obsession that I can talk frankly to.

All of these things have really clarified things in my life over the last month. I haven’t been able to talk or hang with old friends during this time. I am hoping that trend will reverse but things have changed around and new balances need to be figured out.

I don’t feel like I am on information overload. But from the amount and the speed this stuff is coming to me it feels like I should be. I am guessing that the information is coming at me at the speed I can take it and I am ready for it. That a lot of what I have done over the last couple of years has prepared me for this stuff. I just hope I can integrate most of it and not need to learn it again later. I am greedy that way. I love this info. Not all of it is good but I am accepting about it. I am probably more accepting of myself and the path I am on right now than most other times in my life.

I seem to fit only one of these extremes these days.

At my last temp assignment, I felt I did a great job for them and stood up for myself following their strict rules. They ended up sending a long email complaining about me and refusing to pay for 0.25 hours of my time. I know it is their lameness that is the cause of this but it is another place where I don’t fit in and am a problem. The place before that decided to end my assignment which was good because I was ready to get out of there. More time wasting rules that didn’t add value. So, for them, I was a Zero.

My current assignment is for another division of a company I worked for in San Ramon. They love me here and think I am doing an amazing job. And I am doing what I can to take my time so that I don’t blow through the work at superspeed. They keep telling me what a help I am being and thank you for coming and you are doing great work, etc. The environment here is much more the way I think a job should be. They care about their people and treat people like people instead of cogs (or at least as far as I have been able to see). Here I am a Hero.

The assignment goes until the end of May and may, just maybe, be something more. It is not challenging and I am sure I would fall asleep soon. My old Diva ways would resurface. But it is the type of place I would like to be in. I want a company like this that can use what I have to offer. It is a Market Research Analysis company. I am not sure I would be suited for a different job here but as a model, it is good. And it is not a Financial company. Weee

I am getting rave reviews for my work for Baycon. Now that we are entering the final stretch, my insecurities are showing up. After it is all over, I will see if I actually deserve the positive kudos I have been receiving. A friend pointed out that I am taking my job seriously and won’t let things not work out. That just isn’t me. I am hoping that really is enough. Sometimes I am sure it is, other times, I feel reality knocking on my door to let me know I am delusional. It will all be clear in that 20/20 hindsight.

My personal work for the last year or two is to walk in the Grey. To be neither Black or White, to learn to live in the middle zone. This Hero/Zero thing is not helping. I would like to be good at what I do (with a little Goddess thrown in for my ego’s sake) and do my job. I love being a Hero but it is getting slightly uncomfortable. Like clothes that don’t quite fit anymore.

It is amazing how fast things can change.

I went to a local theatrical store and got some gobo catalogs and gel books. I feel like a kid in a candy store.

I got a call for a job that will last until the end of May paying good money.

I was feeling on top of the world when I got home from the store. It has since worn down a little bit but still good feelings. This morning, I was having a horrible time just being willing to admit the day’s existance. Now I am happy and burbling.

About ready to start the actual designing for Baycon now that I have pretty much all the info I have needed. It has moved from the collection phase into the design/plan phase. Next is the action phase. Weeee

I am not posting as much because I am not stuck in front of a computer for hours. But then again, I am not sure if I am posting that much less than other times in my life. I am not able to keep on the reading and only can spot check now and then.

I am Head of Theater Lighting for Baycon this year. It is much info gathering and coordinating with others to find out what they want and what they can provide. I have gotten enough information to move forward and I am getting bouncy. I think things are going well even with the wrenches being thrown into the works by eleventh hour meetings about rearranging rooms and schedules. I expect that. And I was brought in just a month ago so I am not already worn out and stressed (yet).

While I don’t really know exactly what I am doing, I feel confident that I have a good handle on it and am figuring it out and will have it all working well. I just don’t see any other option. I am in charge of it, of course it will work well. I don’t remember feeling other than this way about other things I have run. It all changes right beforehand and I am sure that will happen here to but it is always like that.

I tested my ex-boyfriend (still a friend) new girlfriend and found out she is the exact same type as me. As a person, she and I are not very alike but how we approach things is very similar. I think they have a better chance than he and I did. And I offered to be a sounding board if she ever needed one for him. He hates it when his ex-girlfriends get along. And we all do. Tee hee. Poor guy.

The job situation still is non-existent. Friends are getting married next weekend. I am working on a bachelorette party for a different bride for con. I have broken the silence with my mother. I am one third of the way through the enneagram panel classes. That is my general update.

I am still somewhat depressed but I am having high points in it frequently. That could be good or it could mean I am speeding up and avoiding dealing with the negative feelings. I do feel no matter what I am doing I am making progress of some sort.

I am enjoying the work on baycon. Maybe this idea of switching to project management is a good one after all.

I have taken over as Head of Theater Tech for Baycon 2006 this year. They managed to find a way for me to work Baycon, they desperately needed me and they made me a head of a department. They have given me the job at the last minute and trust in me to take care of it. That is a good way to feed my ego and get me to do things.

I also have no paying job. I am looking for something to use my awesome PowerPoint (and any/all of my Microsoft skills) and/or InDesign/Quark. I am also thinking of switching to Project Management. I have done it as part of my other jobs and I think I would be really good at it. I need an entry level type of position.

Those are the major things in my life right now.

I have a baycon membership for Baycon 2006 (entire weekend) that I am not going to be using. I would like to get what I paid for it ($50) and that is a deal as memberships are now $75.

If anyone is interested, please let me know. You can contact me at my ljusername (at) yahoo.com

Edit: That was quick. It has already been taken. Mere moments of time on the internet and whosh it is gone. Maybe I should have done an auction.