According to Brene Brown, people deny themselves connection because they feel they don’t deserve connection.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

I keenly feel my lack of connection and I do feel like I am not worthy. Not because I am a bad person but because of many other things.
I don’t feel like I have the oomph to reach out and make the connections.
I don’t think I handle other people initiating connections.
I have gotten really bad when it comes to being dependable.
I don’t think it is fair for others to keep putting energy into me and have me not put energy into them.
This has been going on so long that I imagine that others are tired of it, I know I am.
Connections are hard work and it is so much easier to sleep.

I think I have a lot to offer and am worthy of connection, it is the GUI that is really messed up and I need to fix it. And I don’t know how.

I know a few people that have habits/traits that would drive many people nuts but people like them, a lot. One aspect of it is they seem to own their habits, good and bad, and not make excuses. They appear larger than themselves and don’t seem to worry about people liking them. They are how they are take it or leave it. I find myself enjoying these sorts of people even though I don’t like some of the stuff they do. I don’t know if this is how others feel about them or if they have their own draws. For me it might be because there is a limit with how far a friendship would go. There is a sort of feeling of relief/relaxation when dealing with these “annoying” people, like I don’t have to watch out and be ready for something. I am sure that is my issue that most others wouldn’t share.

When I think about all the things I do that would/could annoy other people and how they couldn’t possibly like me, I think of these individuals with annoying behaviors. If I can feel as drawn to them, even with the things I really don’t like, and others are evidently drawn to them, then I can be like them and my bad habits/behaviors wouldn’t keep people away. (within reason of course). This is something to work on once my ability to connect isn’t a one way drain of energy.

Tonight was an example of why is it a bad idea for me to eat before going grocery shopping (wired backwards). I had a meal from Boston Market and went to Safeway on a full stomach. I was there to get ice cream and whatever else I could that I would eat. The sale I was expecting was over and I wasn’t interested enough to work out what flavor I would want with the other ice cream on sale. After wandering around the store, I found nothing enticing and I didn’t want any of it. I could come up with arguments against everything I know I have bought in the past and liked. I had no interest in any food.

If I shop when I am hungry, then I buy food I will probably eat when I need to eat.