I can’t remember the tv show but one of the ones I watch had a bit in it where the characters had spoons in their mouths when cutting onions to keep them from crying. I was cutting an onion up tonight so I thought I would try it out and was amazed that I didn’t have any need to cry. I have tried running water, dipping the knife in water, cutting underwater which has helped but never like this. Wonder why I never heard of it before. I don’t even know why it works. I don’t know if it is the metal or the act of keeping something in your mouth when cutting that stops the eye irritation.

I thought it was cool so I am passing it on.

Well, I still don’t have a real job or a full time job but I do have work to get me out of the house. I am working at Fleishman-Hillard doing emergency PowerPoint help this week and hopefully next week. Because I was willing and able to start immediately, I am getting what I consider an incredible rate.

I like this company. Everyone is really friendly. They got a computer and work set up for me in an hour instead of the day to days that it takes in other places. They have free drinks and misc food (even though I can’t consume anything other than bottled water, it makes me feel good about that stuff being there). They are even having a costume party on Friday so I get to figure out something to wear. I doubted I would be working for Halloween so I have nothing planned.

Best of all, it is giving me structure so I stop staring at the walls day in and day out.

I am thinking of having a Wake for my 40th birthday. The event will be on Nov 13th (Sunday) probably in the afternoon.

Why a Wake?
Well, first, this is me we are talking about. I do drive a toy hearse. Not that I am goth or anything, I just have a weird sense about me.

But I also got to thinking about what we do when people are alive and when they are gone. When people are alive and we want to make them feel special, we Roast them. We tell horrible stories and jokes at their expense. I don’t like this idea. When you are at a memorial or a funeral, people tell stories about the person that is gone. I have attended a few for people I didn’t really know and have felt sorry I didn’t get a chance to know them better. And for the people I did know, I learn things I hadn’t heard before and I miss the chance to get to know that side of them. It would be much better if this was done before the person died.

So I am turning 40. Some of you may know that I have grown up not planning to make it past 42. I have been sort of forced to give up that idea but 40 is still the last big milestone most people would recognize (I have special plans for 42 since it is personally important to me). Many things have changed inside me over the last couple of years. I have had what I think is incredible personal growth. A lot of how I look at life and other people has completely been rewired. Sometimes I wouldn’t believe I was any other way if I didn’t remember whining and moaning about how hard it would be to do what I am doing easily now. I have moved on from my old life, gradually but I don’t think I can ever go back so probably permanently. This would be a good time to mark this and bury the Gina that was and celebrate the Gina that is. I have always wanted people to be celebratory when I die. Why not practice early?

I am torn between having it as a real Wake with eulogies, a memorial service, a drink to the fact that I was here celebration, encouragement that if you would attend my funeral to attend my Wake. Or just a Wake themed party and whoever shows shows.

One thing I do know is in lieu of presents, I want Gina stories. Written, recorded, drawn, whatever. I plan to have a recorder with me. I think it would be good for me to know what people remember of me and how people have seen me.

What, me, self centered?!?! Of course I am, it is my birthday, I am allowed to be self centered.

Comments would be appreciated.

{edit to correct date. Wake will be Sunday afternoon Nov 13th. I thought I put the 13th in the first time but guess not.}

Begging forgiveness vs asking permission

There is this idea out there that it is easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission. This works completely counter to how I deal with things. In dealing with me it is considerably better to do the asking of permission or at least tell me what is going on rather than to do something and tell me about it after the fact. I am an information junkie. If I am told ahead of time, I can make room for it in my world view, I can process it, I have options. If it is told to me fait accompli, then all my power has been taken away from me, I have no way to change the way I think about something to make it a good thing, all my options are over. I have to fight instead of compromise or prepare to deal with the way things will be.

I have been hit with this a couple of times in the last few weeks. In one case, I was kept in the dark because something was hidden from someone else and I was just downstream from that. There wasn’t a way I could have been told beforehand. I understand the reasons for keeping the secret and I agree with them. I am upset about the approach of how this information came to light, that is all.

In another case, I watched someone else use the forgiveness vs permission in buying something. That is between him and his wife and that is how they do things. I had something similar done to me and I was very pissed. It was very manipulative and passive aggressive.

I also had someone do something he should have told me about any time before it happened but instead he told me about it afterwards. If I had know about it before, I would have wished him the best of luck and prepared myself for the consequences. I would have been able to take care of myself and know what was going on. Instead, I am left in the dark for a week and then get casually told when I ask if he was somewhere else. Being left in the dark during this time has its own issues. Being told after the fact made me feel powerless in this circumstance. Like all my options have been taken away from me. That I am not trusted to be myself and react in the way that I normally do. That it was assumed I would act like a “normal” person and be upset. Instead I am upset and royally pissed by the way this was handled. I don’t know why I would ever trust him again. If my reactions are so scary, he felt he couldn’t even let me know something was happening, how in the world am I ever going to trust that I will be informed on things that really matter.

The only thing worse than this concept of begging forgiveness instead of asking permission is hiding something from me and having me accidentally find it out later.

I work hard on being approachable. On having smooth reactions to being told things that would upset “normal” people. On being workable and willing to compromise and willing to accept and understand. This is so I can get the information I feel I need. I am not a “normal” person and while I do have some (if not a lot) of reactions like a “normal” person (we are all human) I resent being treated like a “normal” person. I do what I can to show who I really am so that people don’t make this mistake. I realize that they are making the mistake because of their issues, not mine but I don’t what to have to deal with the results of their actions. The less I care about someone, the less this matters. Unfortunately, the examples I have are all about people I care very much about.

The power has been out since 1am last night. PG&E has thought they got it back on a couple of times and it still isn’t on. The only real worry I have it the contents of the freezer. Most everything else can last for a day or so without electricity.

I am incredibly grateful that I like candles and matches so they are all over the house. When I was reading in bed when the power went out, I knew where the matches were and lit the candles nearest to me.

I am also very grateful that I have a gas stove and heater. I was able to make breakfast this morning, even though the microwave isn’t working. I can keep myself fed with what I have.

I am grateful that the phone is not powered by electricity. I still am connected via cords so the wireless without power is not a problem.

I can even use my computer in the internet for a short time because of its battery power and the dial up connection.

I am sad not to have the TV. I have an overload on TiVo after my trip and I need to be cleaning it off while I have time.

So three real positives and two a little negatives add up rather nicely.

(Written late Tuesday night, sent now because I have a connection)

I am on the train again.

I have had a nice little vacation. Since work wasn’t coming in through the temp agencies and my dad was getting married on the 8th, I decided to make a trip of it.

I flew into Portland Oregon and met up with my cousin, his wife and kids and my other cousin. We drove out to Depot Bay where my dad has a condo. He rented condos for everyone coming out. I had a nice little studio one all to myself. I ended up going out there a day early and I had such a nice time, I stayed a day late. It was really nice to be able to get to know my brother, sister-in-law, my niece and nephew better. It was the first time I had met my nephew and he just turned 2 years old. This is the first time my brother and I have gotten along for an extended period of time without needing to put time limits on our interactions. I am really astounded that we have managed to not set each other off. We have really grown. I also saw my uncle and aunt. There was one cousin and his family missing from the gathering of this side of the family. It has been something like 17 years since we have all been together. Normally I hate these type of gatherings so I was really pleased that this went well.

The wedding and reception was beautiful. It was rather laid back and sort of grew out of the people that were there and involved.

Most everyone left by Monday and that afternoon, my dad and his wife gave me a ride to Salem where I met up with corva and she took me home with her. I got to spend the evening and night with her and her hubby, telling stories about what is up with common friends. It was good to see and spend time with them. Early Tuesday morning, I was dropped off in Portland. I checked my bag at the train station and spent a few hours wandering around downtown Portland ending up in Powells where I bought about 4 lbs of books. I had run out of books two days prior and I think this was a spree to overcompensate for the prior lack.

Now I am on the train heading to Redding to visit my friends there, again. Someday, they might get tired of me showing up.

On friday, I get back to the bay area. There is an enneagram workshop all next week in Eslan near Big Sur. I am debating going to that. I still don’t know what I am up to. I am waiting to see if they have any work for me. If they don’t find work for me, I tend to take off it seems.

I have handled this entire trip as a play it by ear thing. Doing most everything at the last minute, not working out options and plans ahead of time. I don’t know what I am up to until about a day or two ahead of schedule and that is just because I need to inform others that are involved. I don’t really feel depressed but a lot of my actions and responses seem to be very similar to being depressed. I pull back from people and the more I follow what I think I am feeling, the worse I get. This lack of planning is new for me and I am rather surprised it isn’t driving me nuts. Just more experiments to observe and see where it goes.

Gotta love growth. [/sarcasm]

I don’t have work this week and next week is looking a little sketchy. My dad is getting married on Sat in Oregon. So I am taking off. I was planning to be there for the wedding and now I am going for a week and visiting friends on the way. It is a little last minute. I have pretty much let the universe let me know what I should do since I have tried to leave myself open to temp work. I haven’t been making any real plans. It has all been thrown together yesterday and today. I have a train ticket home and will be buying the airplane ticket probably tomorrow at the airport. Tonight is packing. I even have everyone’s Xmas presents so I don’t have to ship them in December. I will be wrapping them on the trip.

The current thought for itinerary: I am flying to Portland tomorrow and hopefully visiting with corva. Then I will be picked up and taken to Depot Bay to see my family. This sounds like the largest family gathering since a Thanksgiving 17 years ago. I will stay there Fri-Sun and get on a train Monday. I will visit friends in Redding for a couple of days and then home again in time for the Labyrinth event on Friday. After that, I might go to Eslan for an enneagram workshop. I will figure that out over the next week or two.

This month I guess I will get another lesson on how well I can travel.

It is strange to be living life like this. I don’t know what is going to happen next and it isn’t bothering me. Normally I have everything figure out way in advance and I catch things on the fly really well because I have so many options thought out. Now, I am doing things with very little advance notice and I am not thinking forward hardly at all. I don’t feel like I am going to fall on my face but I feel like I should feel that way.

I don’t even really know what I am doing for the Halloween Season. I am going to Gaskell’s with Crystal and Karen in a costume I have from last year. I might be going to Dance Macabre as a Nazzgurl. I will probably go to the annual Cemetery picnic in something black and gothic. I need to redo Fray with Crystal and her Wonder Woman to get pictures. If I am going to all that work and turning my hair blue and pink, it would be nice to have an event to do it for. But it doesn’t really matter. This is not a normal attitude for me at this time of year. Look at my past years where I have done 7-9 costumes/events, where I had so many cool things to do, I couldn’t say no. Not caring so much this year. Ah, the joys of living the examined life and trying to figure out why you are doing what you are doing.