A couple of weeks ago, I got a letter from my mom. Included in it was a list of who around her right now got what if something should happen to her. X would get her stereo, Y would get the dogs, Z would handle her debts, etc.

She is currently in Bali and relatively near (as apposed to us in the US) the affects of the earthquakes in that part of the world. She and those she knows are fine and are not near the problems but it does show how things can happen at any time.

Her list got me thinking about a list for me. People/friends have said that when I die they want abc of mine. I have been thinking of posting a request for who wants what if/when I die but have been putting it off. Ragani’s post today made me decide that maybe it is time.

So, I know ren_wench wants my long velvet coat if anything should happen to me but I can’t remember what else. So, people, chime in. I have a bunch of cool stuff, who wants what if I should no longer have a need for it?

We have reached the end of the year and it is dead at work. That means I can catch up on a few things. This usually means I have time to clean up and post pictures. The latest are available on my new site for Gina Space. Everything after the Parliament of Rogues is new or newly cleaned up.

If you have old links, you are going to want to revisit and probably replace them. Beigetower is old and I can’t access it anymore so it is getting really cobweb-like.

This is a bit of a rambling post.

For lunch, I decided I should get out of the office so I took a walk. I was wearing my rain cape (here is a picture of it and my rain hat from the first time I wore it to work) and feeling like a freak but insisting to myself it didn’t matter because it is Cool to have this neat portable tent. I believe my rain cape is really cool, I just don’t expect the “normal” people out there to appreciate how cool it is and I am surrounded by “normal” people.

I got three comments on it in the hour I was walking around downtown SF. The first guy had a big grin on his face and just said “Zorro.” I was glad for the acknowledgment but felt it being considered a costume was about right for what I expect from “normal” people. Then an older (50s) very normal looking woman complemented me on it and asked where I got it. She was disappointed that it was a Halloween find and she wouldn’t be able to find one now. A pan handler told me I had a cool cape and said he wished he could trade with me. He had a decent coat but it isn’t my cool cape.

I found it was really hard to accept these positive reactions to my cape. I had to force myself to acknowledge that they were something positive and that it would be a good idea to reply. In some ways, I accepted the compliment to be nice to the other person rather than because they were being nice to me. I have tightened up so much to defend myself lately, that I have a hard time letting the good things in. I realize that it is bad to be so defended that the good can’t get to me but right now, I need to be. My back has been hurting for weeks and I can’t seem to sit at work to not make it worse. I either have one leg bent up against my chest or both legs. I can’t keep both feet on the floor for very long. I need to curl to protect. Even when I am the only one here, like today.

I walked over to the area behind the Metreon where there are two finger labyrinths. I worked my way through one of them and then sat and enjoyed the sound of rain on my hat. I need to do that more often and I am glad I took the time and effort to do it today.

I managed to make it through the Xmas holidays intact. I had a delightful time at jadecat9‘s Orphan’s Xmas and enjoyed spending the next day with fresne even though physically I was headed down hill. My original plans for the Xmas holidays was to spend as much time as possible drunk (which for me means eating sugar) and watching videos and movies. I watched most of season one of Sex in the City, misc TV shows, The Crow: Salvation and Ella Enchanted. I managed to consume two servings of tiramisu, most of a german chocolate cake, and swigs of really good eggnog over the week leading up to Xmas. I was thinking by the end of the week I would be willing to actually try alcohol again but I needed to be functional to go to the Orphan’s Xmas that I couldn’t afford to try it. Things turned out well that I didn’t want to try it. I think my time with sugar is about up. The headaches are starting to show up again. For a while there, I was getting pleasantly buzzed. I could go to bed and stare at the lights on the ceiling and drift off with a grin on my face after the tiramisu.

Ah, living the examined life. Watching yourself do things that are not the smarted things to do but knowing that you need to do them at this time. It was easier when I didn’t know what I was up to. But I am not choosing to take the easy route. Don’t really know why right now but that has been my choice. I can never go back.

Had my review. Mostly ok to good. Quite a laundry list of complaints about me outside of the review. Image and attitude based rather than work based which makes sense in a corporate world. It is out in the open and now can be worked on. Both my boss and I have things to work on. His stuff is actually getting around to telling me he has a problem instead of waiting months and then only talking about things in general terms because he doesn’t have any specifics. My stuff is all image oriented (like less surfing, perceived work levels, attitude, volume, talking less).

It is really hard to grok how I can be one boss’ dream employee and other’s pain in the butt when I didn’t change that much. But I can really see how I am that pain in the butt. It isn’t just perception.

I can work here, I just don’t belong here. Please keep a look out for jobs that would actually appreciate me. This one has gone corporate and I don’t fit.

For those of us that are geeky and medically/psychology inclined, here are two links.
An article about a tongue-in-cheek diagnosis of Gollum published this Saturday in the British Medical Journal.

And the tongue-in-cheek diagnosis itself.

This is delightfully geeky so I had to pass it on.

Managed to blow up at my boss today and let him know that I am very aware that there are issues between us.

A few months ago, a co-worker quit because he was moving to Chicago. We were going to try to send him off with a computer so he could do some work for us remotely instead of hiring a contractor. One day, out of the blue, my boss says we are letting my co-worker go and we would not be working with him. My boss said he had had enough of my co-worker and wasn’t willing to work with him anymore. Admittedly, the co-worker was annoying and got on my nerves many times but we worked out way to co-exist and get the job done. I actually kind of liked him when he wasn’t annoying me. My poor co-worker honestly has no idea what he did wrong that pissed my boss off so much and why it reached the point it did.

Today, I told my boss that I feel that I am just a few steps away from the same thing as my former co-worker and he said, “Yes, you are.”

I had a glowing review from this boss in July. Now I am a short distance from him wishing he could fire me. I haven’t changed that much. My boss has said nothing about anything I need to change. My annual review is tomorrow and my boss says that is when we will go into these things. Arggggg. Your review is not the time to go into where you are not meeting standards. It gives you no opportunity to get it right. One of the big problems with this boss is that he doesn’t tell you his expectations.

I need out of here. My resume is ready. I know I need to burn to cd the stuff on the computers here. There is so much I should do that all I want to do it hide and ignore it all. Arrgggg.

When I have a good boss, I am a dream employee, when I have a bad boss, I seem to end up being a pain in the ass employee that they would like to see just fade away.

This is friends locked just in case. I doubt anyone at work that I wouldn’t want to see it would find it but better safe than sorry.

A bit of an update.

Things are a little better this week.

I dug down and pulled out some old defenses that I had discarded over the last year and a half. While they didn’t fit so well to begin with, they are warming up and aren’t so stiff anymore and seem to be fitting better. There will be a price to pay, things I might have lost, things to clean up/repair later. My path is no longer going the direction it was. Time will tell if this is just a detour or an actual change in direction.

I also have a little responsibility. I am taking car of a neighbor’s cat and car for two weeks. I actually have to pay attention to something else besides me and make plans. This is a good thing. I also have access to their extensive DVD and CD collection. Looks like I will be catching up on shows I haven’t seen much of. This is actually part of the old defense mechanisms so again, this is good.

I went to a gathering last night and rediscovered the worth of meeting new people. I had forgotten how well I do with a mix of adapting to the environment/audience and a healthy dose of “this is who I am, deal with it.” I have been spending so much time and energy forming tighter bonds with my close friends, I forgot the joys of many friends of many levels. Another old defense mechanism back in action.

I also have next week to look forward to. My boss is out of the office for the week. A week on not needing to deal with his attitude or his passive/aggressive garbage. Plus I can probably get more job search stuff done as my work computer is my primary computer. It has all the neat toys and is speedy.

So while things are still really crappy and I don’t feel all that great and nothing is really resolved, I am handling things better and more able to appreciate the good things that are happening. I figured I should at least admit to a movement in a positive direction.

Not sure I am going to the Xmas Gaskell’s. Last year, I was there in my pretty dress with a back that was all seized up wondering why I insist on going to every single Gaskells. The reason is that if I don’t insist, I won’t go and I would miss out on something I enjoy and would be good for me. But, if I am pushing myself even when I shouldn’t go, then that system doesn’t work so well anymore.

So, I told myself it was ok to miss a Gaskells or two. And earlier in the year I did and it was good. It allows me to actually enjoy the ones I make it too.

I really enjoyed the Dance Macabre for Halloween and was looking forward to Halloween Gaskell’s. I got a great kick out of showing off our costumes but that was about it. I had to hustle for dances. I think I got three in the entire night. And having a friend innocently complain about the consequences of having every dance booked really didn’t help my mood. I felt tired and drained and stressed and not really into it.

I enjoy dancing. I can’t dance every dance but I would like to dance most of them. I think it is fair that I ask people to dance as much as I get asked to dance, though I would like to be asked more than to ask. But there is no reason the guys should have to do all the work. I do get asked to dance but it is getting to a point where I am needing to do most of the asking. And not always getting yes, sometimes they are booked, sometimes they aren’t up to it, sometimes they just don’t want to, sometimes we can’t find each other when it is time. I feel like I have to scope and peg a partner long before a dance comes up (which means I can’t ask some guys because they are on the dancefloor all night long and I can’t get to them) or I am left without a dance. I have to determine who is likely to say yes, so I don’t waste my chances on a no and thereby miss the dance. I am tired of feeling like I have to do that type of scheming. It is one of the things keeping me away from the Plough on Monday nights. These social ballroom dances are turning into more of a trial than a delight. This sort of stuff to a larger degree is why I ended up going New Waving in the 80s. No waiting for anyone else to dance and you can dance with as many people as you want.

So, I am facing the upcoming Gaskell’s with nothing particular I want to wear, my back is hurting again (this might be a seasonal thing) and the likelihood of needing to hustle for dances. But it is Xmas Gaskell’s. So many people I know and like will be there and some I don’t see any other times. And it will be beautiful. And if I don’t go, I lose the opportunity to have a good time in protecting myself from having a bad time.

It is a 50%/50% shot that I will be going. I am leaning against at this point.