This was just too perfect not to post.
Which Pagan God or Goddess are you most like? Norse style Hel

Oh god oh god we’re all going to die ~Wash

I am on TiVo.
There is a different commercial on TiVo for Serenity. It is called Can’t Stop the Signal…Serenity. It promotes the movie from the fan approach. This is like the commercial I heard on the radio. Some of the shots they are showing are from the screenings. When they are talking about the second screening they include Sacramento and the group of people in costume posing for pictures. The guy dressed up as Badger was the one that wanted all the costume people together for pictures and made the initial suggestion. People started disappearing after they got their autograph from Nathan and I was standing around waiting so I did what I do well and started organizing it and getting people together so it would actually happen. This is the shot they show for Sacto. I am standing in the back on a bench dressed up sort of like Wash.

I don’t think I have ever caught myself on tv before. Woot!

Shiny!

I heard a radio spot for the new movie Serenity and it was interesting.

They listed off that there have been paid preview showings of the movie in 35 cities and each one sold out in less than an hour. That some people drove hundreds of miles to get to a showing. That each showing had thunderous applause and great enthusiasm afterwards. There were clips from fans after the movie. They end with September 30th, you will be able to experience what all the excitement is about.

I am glad they are able to use this stuff to promote the movie. It is nice to see/hear the movement of fandom being acknowledged. To see/hear our mighty roar as the case may be.

But, I am afraid that they may be building the movie bigger than it will deliver. It is a great movie. I loved it. I will see it again openning night. I will buy the DVD when it comes out. But I don’t know if it can carry the weight of a blockbuster. I don’t know if Mr. and Ms. Average America out there will like it nearly as much as me.

There is something sad when a movie that would be good on its own standing is a disappointment because people expected more when they went in. I hope that the hype doesn’t over blow the goodness that is Serenity.

This is what I am putting out to the Universe as what I a looking for:

I want someone that is willing to look at themselves and see/acknowledge the truths they find. Someone who is willing to live the examined life. Someone that is honest with themselves. That way they can be honest with others.

I want someone that is honest with me and provides me the information I need or want.

I want someone that is strong enough to stand up to my energy. Someone that doesn’t back down just because it is easier. Someone who will confront me when I need to be confronted.

I want someone that is strong enough to deal with reality when they are faced with it. One of the things I do, that I can’t help do, is peel away illusion and make people deal with what is underneath. I need someone that can handle that.

I want someone that can let other people be who they are. Someone that can understand that their way might be just as right for them as some other way.

I want someone that will love me and accept me the way that I am. That wants me to be the most me that I can be. I am willing to change but if something can’t be changed, it has to be accepted as is and room made for it. Someone that can let me be me and be ok with that.

I want someone strong enough to help me see the truth of myself. To help me grow in the best way possible, to be the most me that I can be.

I want someone that knows when they are into their shit and can warn me away until they are better or can set it aside to work on it together.

I want someone who values what I have to offer. That I bring something wonderful into their life.

I want someone that will stretch me. That will show me thing that I haven’t seen before, lead me to experiences I haven’t had and wouldn’t do on my own. Someone to challenge me.

I want someone that can and will take care of me. To hold me and provide a safe place to be.

I want someone that I can take care of. Someone that is willing to be vulnerable around me. Someone that trusts that I will take a good care of them as they do of me.

I want someone that can communicate in a healthy way. Someone that is willing to put their ego aside and understand the issues involved and put energy into solving them.

I want someone that is really present with me. Someone that is really there with me. Someone that really listens to me. To really hear what I am saying. I want someone that recognizes that I do the same in return.

I want someone I can really connect with.

I want someone that I can share with. Someone that has enough shared interests that we can do things together without one of us giving something up or just tolerating the experience.

I want someone that appreciates the difference between Normal and Fantasy and values both.

I want someone that realizes the value is in the person, not the surface. Both for themselves and for others. Image is important but it is not all.

I want someone that can live on their own and not need me to support them, financially or emotionally, and depends on me to do the same. Someone that knows that the support is there but it is a benefit, not a requirement.

These are the things I want, the things I think I need. There are many ways to interpret each one. I find these are important to any relationship I have, even friendships. They just become more important the closer the relationship. For a lover, a mate, they are very important. This is what I learned out of the last relationship and I value this information greatly.

added June 14 2007
I want someone that is confident and competent. Someone that is comfortable in their own skill and is good at what they do.

I want someone that can be compassionate and caring. Someone that tries to see things from other people’s points of view and understand them or allow them to be themselves.

Here are the things that I asked the universe to provide me. I have found they are more surface than what I thought but they are still good. They are not requirements, just things I think would be good.

Self pres (5 or 8 or maybe even a 2) – enneagram stuff
About my height or taller
About my age
On a spiritual journey of some sort (this changed to personal introspection and growth because I am not even sure I can call what I am on a spiritual journey). Basically something like what I am doing, it would be really cool if it could be along the same lines.
Appreciates my strengths and weaknesses
Similar tastes
Sense of humor
What I would call good looking
Cares for his appearance within reason
Lives nearby (within 35 miles radius)
Avoids the sports thing
Good imagination
Provides information
Reasonably healthy in spirit, mind and body
Loves me
Will work with me
One of “my type of people” (pretty much fandom or geek)
Intelligent
Can and likes to dance
Can and will see the real me
Good for me
Has time for me

Another romantic relationship is over. It had a brief moment where it looked like it would be revived but that died too. It ended positively. I don’t think the problems were necessarily terminal but they would have taken more work than any previous relationship. But I think it also had the potential to be worth more than anything I have been involved in to date. It was very intense and very quick. It is hard to let go. One of the problems of a positively end is that you don’t have the strength that anger and justification lend you. It seems harder to let go. But I don’t know if it doesn’t heal more cleanly. Right now there are times my legs shake so hard, it is everything I have to keep doing whatever it is I am doing. I am sure the lack of a steady job adds to this. Other times, when I think of it, all it deserves is a shrug and on I go. Emotions can be so much fun [/sarcasm]. To bad I can’t work on logic all the time.

One really good thing out of this is that I feel like I got the lessons I learned right away. While I wish I didn’t have to go through the emotional connection and loss, I did get something very valuable out of it.

I have always been hesitant to list what I want in a mate because I felt it was too limiting. I didn’t want to set standards that would lead to me feeling deprived with a man that was perfect in every way except was missing one thing from my “list”. I am very adaptable and what I want changes all the time. Sometimes I want lean and lanky, sometimes built and solid, sometimes long hair, sometimes short, sometimes a beard, sometimes clean shaven. It would be bad to create a list of what I want. One of the reasons a list like what I was thinking is bad is because I was only thinking of surface things. Things that in the long run really don’t matter. What can I say, I was young. When you are young, those are the things you are aware of. With maturity comes depth.

A couple of years ago, a friend convinced me to make a list to put out into the universe what I would like to be drawn to. At the time I was learning that I was attracted to the same type of guy (type 9 for those that know the enneagram) no matter how different they seemed on the surface. There was something in how they deal with things that drew me, but the flip side to that was the seeds to the destruction of the relationship. I wanted to get away from being attracted to that type. So I wrote up a list. I thought I did a good in describing not surface things, but real qualities I wanted. Not needed, just would like to have drawn to me.

This last relationship taught me that while those are somewhat important, there was another level of things that are really important to me. That is the lesson I find so valuable.

I want to put that list out to the universe. It is said you can’t have something if you can’t imagine it. I put them in a different post linked to this one. It is something I want to keep to look at later so I want it separate.

Something I have noticed lately is a trend in the comments to my posts and this has affected how I feel about making serious posts. I know I am posting a lot less lately and I am sure that must have something to do with it. It seems like there are fewer comments and the ones I do get are from my outer circle of friends. That the people in closer circles aren’t commenting as much. It could be my imagination. It could be that they are getting enough of what is going on in my life in person, so there is nothing to put in comments (although I doubt this because I haven’t really be around in person much). It could be because those that aren’t commenting aren’t reading my journal, or they have nothing to say, or they are busy with their lives, or that we are not connecting as much anymore. All of these are understandable but they make me feel lonely and like I shouldn’t put anything out there on LJ. Posting just opens me up to the lack of response and the reactions thereof. I know my ego is involved. I was toying with the idea of not allowing comments like I was thinking of in the early days of my journal. That way I could post and not expect anything in return thereby no needing to face the lack of response and protect my ego. But I don’t like cutting off possible information, possible responses. So I am making the same decision I made the last time I played with the idea of no comments. I am posting for me. If people don’t want to respond, that is their choice. I just get to learn to accept it and deal with it. I post for me, not entertaining others or writing things to illicit responses out of others. If others get something good out of what I post, then that is an added benefit. I need to get my ego out of the way. To protect it, I will have to close down some openness and refocus my purpose. Which is fine.

This is not a request for comments. It is just information on what is going on in my head and my feelings. I write so many LJ posts in my head and I find that useful. It has given me a way to organize some of my thoughts. Some of them actually make it to computer, some don’t. I wish I could leave out the posting part but that is the main purpose to these things. If I left that out, I would not have the motivation to write them at all. They would stay caught inside me and I wouldn’t be able to move past them. They are here for others to read, but their purpose is for me to express ideas. This makes them more like me talking than me writing. And that makes them possible.

I had a dream that I was having a conflict with my dad. He was treating me poorly at a family event and I was so hurt and so defended that when someone told me something that should have been exactly what I needed to hear to feel better, I couldn’t accept it. It just wouldn’t sink in. What I started to do was to treat my dad the same way he was treating me, tit for tat. The thought was to make him feel the way I did to both punish him and make him see how badly he was acting. Needless to say, it wasn’t working well. Then I started thinking about it and what I really wanted out of the situation. I wanted him to stop acting in a way that hurt me. I wanted to be able to get the good out of the event and him and not have to deal with the bad. And the best way to do that is to talk with him openly.

I am writing this out because I think it really illustrates the way I think healthy communication works. It just had an opportunity to be seen all together in a coherent form in a dream. Since trying to figure out a way to convert everything into normal speak is more than I can handle before eating breakfast, I am writing it as a tightened version of my monologue to my dad explaining things.

In the dream, I explained that certain actions and attitudes on my dad’s part has hurt me and that instead of playing the tit for tat game like I had started to, I felt it would be better to be vulnerable and talk it out. He complains that I am just trying to lay blame and judgment on him. This is my response to that.

“I am not blaming you. I am not judging you. I am providing you information on how your actions and attitudes are affecting me. I am opening up and being vulnerable to give you this information instead of going with my initial instinct of retaliation.

If you feel like I am blaming you or judging you, that is your reaction that you are projecting onto me.

There are a number of different ways to deal with this information I am giving you. You get to choose which one you will go with.

A) That your actions and attitudes are completely appropriate and that no changes are needed. It is up to me to change to protect myself. This would result in not being vulnerable and open around you, reducing the times I am around you and the affects you can have on me. This will mean that the amount of good will be reduced along with the amount of bad but if this is the actions and attitudes are what I have to deal with, then it is more than worth it because the affect they are having on me is much worse than any benefit I am getting. The benefit here is that you will understand why I am behaving the way I am instead of thinking it is because I hate you.

B) That your actions and attitudes are correct but my interpretations of them are wrong. You could provide me more background information to I can see what you are really doing instead of what my impressions are. If you can explain yourself well enough and I agree with you this would be enough to change my reactions and you would need to make no changes. If there is a problem with my understanding of the explanation or if I don’t agree with your motives and ideas, then my reactions would be the same and you would have to choose one of the other option in how to deal with the issue.

C) That your actions and attitudes are correct for the circumstances but I am having a bad reaction to them. Like an antibiotic is the correct treatment for a disease but if the patient is allergic to the antibiotic it is not the correct treatment for the patient.

From here, you can choose to continue with your actions and attitudes in hopes that exposure would get me to change my reactions. This is done a lot with children. They need to learn how to behave like humans and it is a training process in a lot of cases. It doesn’t work so well with adults because they already have most of their beliefs set. The end result of this choice would probably be the same as choice A.

The other option would be to change your actions and attitudes to ones that would be more appropriate for the reactions I have. It would be changing to take care of me. This would probably result in me putting aside my defenses and being willing to continue to be open around you and showing up for events where I would be exposed to you. I would put aside the bad experiences and be open for the good.

D) That your actions and attitudes may not have been the most appropriate for the circumstances. That you could choose better now that you are aware of the problem they were causing.

In all the possibilities listed so far, there is no blame or judgment. There is only open sharing of information about cause and effect.

E) That your actions and attitudes were actually wrong. That they came from defenses that felt the need to get the reactions from me that they did.

From here we can discuss what you are feeling like you really need and why. Then we can work on finding different ways to take care of that need in better ways, ways that don’t cause bad reactions in others.

If we get to the point where you don’t think there are other ways of taking care of those needs, that this is what you need to do at this time, we can agree that is ok. There are times where this is appropriate. It is usually when things are going wrong in other areas of your life and you need the protection here and use the extra resources elsewhere. My reaction to this could be to be around to support you and understand that you don’t mean anything personally, or if that is too hard for me to do, we would come to an understanding that I will be making myself scarce because I can’t take the heat not because I don’t care. Then you can get a hold of me later to let me know it is safe to start showing up again.

This final one actually has some judgment involved but still no real blame. Just more understanding and conscious choice instead of instinctual choice.”

I woke up during this monologue and went over it in my head and finished it before getting up. I felt this was important to write out as soon as I could because I think it beautifully explains my concepts of healthy communication. Of what I want to be able to do with the people close to me. With the people that can affect me a great deal.

The only safe way to do have this communication is with someone else who understands this and is willing to work at this level. Opening yourself up and being vulnerable to someone that isn’t willing to do this leads to them thinking you are blaming them and sometimes them attacking you in retaliation to protect themselves. Those attacks do double damage when you are being vulnerable and are usually why we are pretty unwilling to be vulnerable. In real life, my dad and I can talk like this. I am very grateful for this between us. It has made it possible to have a good relationship with him after about 30 years of conflict when I always needed to be defended around him and if I ever said he was doing something that hurt me, he would get defensive because he felt I was telling him he was bad.

I could be wrong but currently I believe that when I am talking with someone trying to understand a conflict, I don’t blame. It may feel like blame but that is more an affect of projection from the other party than anything from me. I want to understand, explain and maybe point out where things don’t match up. To get to the reality of the situation. I think blame may come into play when I am talking about someone’s actions to other people. Even then, when it is something that is really affecting me like close friends or my boss, I try to actually understand and explain all sides of the situation. People noticed that about me when I would talk about my boss at BGI. I would say that x behavior was poor but it might be coming from this point of view or this one or this one. The problem I had with him is that he couldn’t see that he was doing to add to the problem. It was all my fault. Therefore, we had to go with option A and get me out of that situation. The sad part is that others are having the same reactions as I did and he isn’t learning anything.

I am not saying I am a saint and I don’t blame, just that when I am willing to honestly be there, I don’t blame. I don’t think it serves a purpose in solving problems. Having said that, I will find out in hindsight if it is true. Ah the joys of living the examined life.

Oh good lord, am I really that far out?

I am starting to watch some CSI. They had an interesting episode on Furries and they seemed to handle it rather well. I just started watching one with a guy that has done a perfect re-creation of Sherlock Homes.

The thing that gets me are some lines at the beginning.
One charater, “Are you going to say ‘The Games Afoot’?”
Grissom, “I never knew you were a Conan Doyle fan.”
One character, somewhat embarrassed, “I’m not, I saw one movie by mistake.”

I am not that much a Sherlock Homes fan. I have been exposed to the material. I have read some of the stories. I have seen it on TV. I have seen movies. I greatly enjoyed the Young Sherlock Homes movie. I have seen a play. But it isn’t part of my fandom. It is on the edge. I will believe that I know more about it than the average person because of my life in fandom but not that much more.

Is the average person really that far out that they would only be exposed to Sherlock Homes by accident? I could understand a small part of the population not knowing anything but I would expect that segment to be mostly uneducated. Not exposed to a variety of things in life. The character in this CSI episode (the new guy getting field tested for those that know the show unlike me) should be pretty well educated. He should be relatively well rounded. Is this just a gambit to give Grissom a foil to work with and explain things to the audience, or the way the tv producers think most of the audience is, or is it really the way the average person things about Sherlock Homes?

I have recently had my version of what reality tested strongly. I have always tried to keep track of what I accept and what I deny of the greater Reality to include in my own personal Reality. But if I don’t know what is really out there, then I am losing my grip on Reality and my personal version don’t have much to stand on. I will find I have more in common with the woman that runs the Vampire Walking Tour in San Francisco that seems to really think she is a vampire and reminds me of the people I avoid at cons. Fandom is great, a personal reality is great, as long as you don’t lose your grip on what other people you share your world with are calling reality.

Could it really be that the average person hasn’t been exposed to Sherlock Homes in any form or considers it an embarrassing accident to have seen one movie? That just seems too far away from how I understand the over all Reality. But then again, it might be my rose colored lenses getting in the way.

I shouldn’t be allowed to go grocery shopping when depressed.

I planned to pick up hot dogs to eat with some Mac and Cheese as well as a chocolate cake mix. I wanted to drown my sorrows in sugar.

I walked out of the store with $128 of groceries. It has been a long time since I have bought that much stuff all at once. I did get most of it on sale. I didn’t actually need anything immediately but it is all things I will eat. I got crackers and dip cheese, two boxes of cake mix, cereal, meat, milk, eggs, bread, no sugar added pie, rice mix, frozen food, etc…

I am well stocked. Hopefully I won’t need to go shopping for a long time.

Work-wise, I probably have worked enough this month to pay for rent. Now I just need to work enough to pay the bills and replenish the food fund.

I am happy happy joy joy on a chocolate cupcake right now. I will send myself to bed with a mini-KitKat and everything will be fine.

Good thing I know that when the time is done, I will be done with sugar. Until then, weeeeee.

I like the assignment I am on. It is only three days, working from 4pm -Midnight. I am alone in a interior office. These are things I can deal with for short times.

It is very corporate. The dress code is “business casual” and it appears to be black tops and grey slacks for the woman and banker blue shirts and black jackets for the men. At least that is what I see most of here. I am playing the game and seeing if I can fit in. I can a little but I still have to have some flare. Can’t seem to do all boring.

People that I have no idea who they are come in and give me a ppt slide or two to work on. The first day, I had absolutely nothing to work on. I spent the entire time on email, LJ, ebay, misc surfing. The second day, I brought stuff from home to work on and they kept me busy all night long. Today, I brought stuff and it has been just a bit busy.

They seem to like me. I was told by the day shift person that she had been told good things about me. That if they need a contractor again, they should try for me. That makes me feel good.

Also, I love being able to do whatever they throw my way. They come to me with one of the inserted Word objects misbehaving and I fix it for them and tell them what to try if they run into it again. I get handed a slide with a four piece graphic and asked to add a fifth piece. When I send it back, I have tighten it all up and it looks so much better, more professional, even though you would be hard pressed to figure out what exactly had been changed. These people do most of the presentation and then hand it to the Desktop Publishing Department (that would be me and the day shift person) for the graphics. Very corporate boring graphics. Really easy stuff. It feels good to know that I can do these sorts of things easily and that others can’t just toss it off. It means I really do have a skill with the graphics and can see things differently than they do. Makes me feel worthwhile in the business world instead of just a grunt.

So, starting tomorrow, I have no idea what is next. Time to start bugging the agencies again.

While the hours and being in an office away from everyone else was annoying, it was a nice little assignment to give me a different taste of businesses and what I am capable of.