Well, my manager was annoyed with me about my lateness (I had turned it around but then slipped again). Looks like I am back on the job market. I didn’t notice until today, but Friday I was informed that I am only working Mon-Wed. I find out at the end of Thursday what my schedule is the week of May 1st.

I don’t like being here. It isn’t bad like my previous job but it has a lot of really annoying bits like a manager that hides information and wants to control everything about us but isn’t around to actually take care of things. Bugs me which is one of the reasons I have the time issues.

Maybe this will get me to be more proactive on my job search. I am thinking I might want to head to project management. I can look outside myself and see what needs to be done but when it is my stuff, everything is so foggy. It is like giving advice. I am good as seeing things clearly for others but need someone to do it for me since all I can see is mud.

I am taking a class on all nine types of the Enneagram on Sunday nights starting next week in Berkeley. Each week is a different type. I realized that it is possible to show up for individual classes so I thought to post the schedule here if anyone is interested in just trying out a small dose.

Panel Class Schedule (All classes are from 7 to 9 pm unless otherwise noted)
April 30 – Type Three
May 7 – Type Six
May 14 – Type Nine
May 21 – Type One
May 28 – Type Four
June 4 – Type Two
June 11 – NO CLASS
June 18 – Type Eight
* June 25 – Type Five (4 to 6 pm)
June 25 – Type Seven

$275/series paid at the first class, or $35/class (space permitting). Some discounts are available for students or low income. If you plan to attend one or more classes on a drop-in basis, we recommend that you call us first to make sure space is available.

To register or for more information, contact Pat O’Hanrahan at 510-234-1600.

Anyone who feels they have a good handle on their Enneagram type and are interested in taking some more personality tests, please drop me a line.

Email me at shipofools999(at)gmail.com

{Edit: Sadness, I got all excited by the idea of gathering more subjects for the study but it turns out they need to be people that the researchers have met and can confirm their type. That means anyone that has taken a Riso and Hudson class. I am more than happy to recommend their classes. We just missed their Part 1 intensive earlier in this month}

I got home last night around 6-6:30pm. I had been reading a piece of fluff book and enjoying it on the way home so I curled up on the couch and read some more. Very soon afterwards I reached a stopping point and closed my eyes and daydreamed and dosed. Around 7:30, I decided I needed to get around to eating dinner. As I moved to get up, I rolled over and retucked my throw over me again. I knew that the consequences of not getting up would not be a good thing but vehemently decided I didn’t care. Obviously, I wanted to stay curled up on the couch. I closed my eyes again. The next time I noticed the time was 10:30. I faced the decision of getting up to eat and being up until at least midnight or later or trying to go to bed. Usually the process of transferring myself to bed wakes me up enough that I don’t sleep when I get there. But I knew I needed the sleep so I didn’t want to stay up. I tried to slide my way to bed. I was awake for a little bit because I started to notice I needed food (lunch was the last thing I ate around 2pm) but I did go to sleep. And sleep. I didn’t even do what has be normal lately in waking up in the middle of the night to head to the bathroom. My alarm was set for 5:30am in hopes that I would be able to get up at 6:30. This morning I didn’t even become aware of the alarm and my hitting snooze until 6:50. I finally got up around 7:15. I slept. Guess I needed it.

I am still feeling a little fragile and not sure why. I got a big dose of hiding out and being by myself last night. I am not in the best of moods, or very tolerant of the ideas and values of others. This morning, the security guard who always presents a happy face and has been saying how nice the rain is, exclaimed the delights of a second sunny day. I think I growled at him and quietly voiced my concept that another day without rain is not welcome in my world. I can see how his approach of being positive about the raining days must have really grated on the sun oriented people. I think it is sad that I am already whiny about the lack of moisture in my air. I know a lot of it has to do with the fact that while we will get some more rain, we are going to be getting a lot more sun soon and for a long stretch. That and I am arming my defenses against other people being so grateful about the sun being back. I don’t like the consequences of the large amount of rain we have gotten but I have liked the rain itself. Bah humbug.

So that is my state as of now.

Doing some self reflection, I have noticed a trend. Lately I am willing to publicly acknowledge some traits that are not necessarily desirable.

In discussions with some people, they have owned up to some actions of theirs and seen how those actions go against their ideas of personal integrity. And this disturbed them greatly. Their actions did not match up to their ideas about themselves.

I had been thinking about that and some other things and realized that while I may have an idea about who I am and what I will and won’t do, I think I allow for change and deviation much more than I have seen in others.

These are some examples:

I have come to the realization that I don’t consider myself an honest person. I don’t have much of a problem telling a lie when I want to. I have a hard time admitting my lack of honesty to others because while I don’t see too much of a problem in it, I can see where others might. When I look at the scope of my lack of honesty, it isn’t that I lie often. Most of the time, I want to be honest. It is important to me. My idea is that things work out best if all the information is there and the only way that happens is if everyone is as honest as possible. I prefer honesty. But, if I feel the need to lie, I don’t have much of an issue with it. I can lie quite gleefully. But it usually takes a lot to get me to that point. Since I don’t have an investment in being honest all the time and am not reluctant to lie, I can’t really feel like I can call myself an honest person.

I feel the same way about my personal integrity. I am sure for what I consider the right reasons I will happily sell myself out. 99% of the time, I probably live with integrity but I am very aware of that the other 1% stops me from saying I hold my personal integrity important to me.

My mom used to claim I was really generous. I didn’t really see it. From inside, it is always me first. I don’t give things away. I am actually quite greedy. My needs, actually my wants, must be met first, then I might give something away. As I watched this to see what she was talking about, I realized I give lots of things away (objects, time, attention, advice, etc.). But it only happens after everything I need and want is taken care of first. The stuff I give away is extra. I don’t care that much for it. While it may be a big deal to someone else, it is much less to me. So I didn’t see that as being generous. Also, I get a real kick out of giving something someone really likes to them. I get more out of it than they do. Again, doesn’t seem generous to me. I can now see where I might actually be generous and how others can see me that way. But I wouldn’t use generous to describe who I am.

These are just a couple of examples of how I view myself. I can see where others would consider the fact that I don’t consider myself honest, of having integrity, of being generous as negative things. That is the reason I don’t usually own up to these attitudes. I don’t see them as negative. They are just a part of who I am. They have good sides and bad sides.

I can also see where others don’t agree with my ideas that I am not these things. They see the times I am honest, act with integrity, am generous. They don’t see the other side or don’t see it that often so they discount it.

If someone considers you honest, then it is expected that you will tell the truth. If don’t consider you honest, then they expect you to be dishonest and don’t trust what you say. I typically don’t try to explain my ideas because I am concerned that they will switch to seeing the negative side of things and not trust me where they should. Close friends get explanations so they learn not to trust me where they shouldn’t (big one most of them know is not to trust me to be on time.)

I know the basic range of desire for honesty and my ability to be dishonest. I do not know from moment to moment which will occur but I do know the likelihood of each. Most of the time, it is honesty. I have no way of conveying that information to others so I would rather they think of me as an honest person than a dishonest person. It is closer to correct.

I was thinking about how much the lack of integrity bothered these two people that admitted it to me. How much it shook them to their core to realize that their actions did not match up to their ideals and I wondered why things like that don’t bother me (other things do but not this lack of “positive” qualities). And then I realized something from my work with the enneagram. Rules are important to me but that is mostly so I know where to keep to them and where to bend them. It suits me to keep to most of the rules most of the time, I prefer it that way but I don’t have a problem with bending the ones I want. That is why I don’t describe myself in absolutes (Honest, Generous, etc.) The absolutes lock me into something that I end up breaking. I rather have flexible definitions that change instead of needing to eventually break something.

Someone pointed something out to me in an enneagram workshop. The enneagram types 3, 8, and 7 find rules very important. 3s need to follow the rules, 8 either break the rules or make the rules, 7s bend the rules.

I feel I can better explain the reality behind my image of myself lacking certain “positive” qualities so I can own up to it publicly now. Ergo, this post.

I just finished another Enneagram workshop this weekend. The Embodied Enneagram. More info stuffed into my head. More verification on who I am and what I need to work with. More info on how others perceive the world.

I have a new definition of Trauma. Trauma is an experience that is overwhelming or life threatening. It creates an impact and issues that you will need to deal with later. It matters what the person experiences, not what the event is.

This is like the word Awesome. The word means to be in awe of something and we use it for things that are a much lower level. What I mean by overwhelming is where you have no more ability to cope and you short circuit. Life threatening is when you believe you are not going to come out of it alive. That is trauma. It can be something quick like a car crash or long term like a hostile living arraignment.

Yoiked from yndy

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Physical Touch
with a secondary love language being
Quality Time.

Complete set of results

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don’t understand our partner’s requirements, or even our own. We all have a “love tank” that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

Before I started, I figured physical and quality time would be high but that is about it. As I answered questions, it became really obvious which order it would come out in. And it isn’t so much about love as these are things I need and want. It all needs to be there and the amounts are different.

I have been sad that I haven’t appreciated the rain for this year. If it had any affect on me, it has made me want to hide away. I am please that my rain appreciation has finally showed up in the last couple of days. I am enjoying our over abundance of the wet stuff. I smile as I walk through it. I haven’t gotten to the point where I gleefully pounce on puddles yet but I feel it is a possibility again.

The only sorrowful note is that I have a friend that works in construction and when it rains, he doesn’t work. And he needs to work. So, while I enjoy the rain, I feel sorry for him.

So to all of you that are complaining about the continuance of Rain, I am sorry that you have to deal with something you don’t like. But my inner child is making a raspberry and saying she has to deal with all those days of icky sunny weather and cloudless skies, you can deal with some wet stuff.

And it makes everything GREEN!!!

I keep forgetting how easy they are to do when you don’t make that much money and have no deductions. This year, I am up to 5 W2s. I haven’t been able to beat my record of 11 W2s from 1990 but this is part of the way there.

I am getting a chunk of a refund. More than I was expecting. I believe it comes from having a high paying job at the beginning of the year and dropping a tax bracket or two by not working later in the year. My refund will probably pay off the credit cards to get them back to zero.