I hate needing people and friends!
People Suck.

There was a gathering planned for today to see Pirates. One friend of mine called me about a month ago saying he wanted to set up an event to see Pirates and since I am the Pirates nut he would like to coordinate it with me. How about the Sunday the week after it opens to avoid the crowds? Since I didn’t have anything planned I said sure, I will see what I can put together. Day is now Picked.

Another friend would love to come see Pirates with us but it would have to be during the day. I said sure, I will see what I can put together. Time is not picked.

I work with my co-conspirator and things blossom. Sunday July 16th 2:45pm Grand Lake Theater. Evite goes out. Things look good. The time the movie open approaches.

I don’t make any other plans because I have plans connect to others already. Then a few days before the event I start calling around. The friend who picked the day hasn’t even bothered to think about it. He has already seen the movie and has plans for Sunday that would interfere with the Event. The friend for whom the time was picked saw it with friends on Friday and while he will be in that day, can’t stay that late to see the movie. Another friend who will have just gotten back from a business trip and didn’t know if he would be awake enough thought it was on Saturday and when I finally got a hold of him the day of, he is in the middle of the bay and can’t make it. But he really wants to and could we do it again during the week so he could join us? Other friends are interested but had a very long day on Sat and didn’t receive the Evite and didn’t know about the event until the night before and they end up not being able to make it. One friend that replied yes to the Evite, when we called her to see where she was, said she forgot about it. One friend was interested but it would be a long drive, when I tried to get a hold of him, I just get his voice mail.

The final straw was the two friends that were part of the original plan that were there. We had extra time due to a time buffer built in (smartly so) and I needed food. I had back up food but this was a good opportunity to get something more substantial. They waited for me to order and get my KFC and then told me they were heading into the theater because it was hot outside. They didn’t tell me before I paid for my food when I could have ditched the plan and just ate by back up food. They didn’t stand in line with me to keep me company (it was a long time between getting money from the bank and the food). The did wait to tell me they were ditching me which I appreciate, I just wish they didn’t wait just long enough that I have a bag of food I can’t sneak into the theater leaving me to find somewhere to stuff my food into my face by myself and find them in the theater.

My thought on this entire thing was it was an event to dress like pirates with friends, take pictures, enjoy each other’s company and see a silly pretty movie. It turn into being left outside a theater looking like a fool (a well dressed fool, thank the powers that be that pirates are popular right now), overheating, needing to scarf food I don’t really want and finding others with hats on right before a movie in a dark theater to watch a movie that I have been told has a cliff hanger ending. I wanted an event with people. If all I wanted to do was just see the movie, I could have done that any time during the last week that I have had to spend alone anyways.

I am sure everyone involved has valid reasons for their decision. I don’t blame any of them. They didn’t do anything wrong. I am just not happy with them. I would like to figure out what my part of it is so I can avoid being put in this position ever again. Right now I am disappointed and hurt. I feel like the only way I can avoid this sort of situation is to never plan things with people or trust them again. Things would be so much easier if I didn’t want or need human contact. Things would be so much better if I wasn’t. I am sure that once my feelings have run their course, I can deal with this rationally again and figure something out. Until then PEOPLE SUCK!!!

And it really sucks to still want them.

Not that I have spread this around as much as I could have but a group of us are going to see the 2:45pm Pirates movie on Sunday at Grand Lake Theater in costume. People are more than welcome to join us.

I am having issues with how to answer the “How are you?” question again.

Things are both good and bad.

The Bad:
My money is running out and I haven’t worked all this week. Looking for a job is not any easier and I am sleeping most of the day. People seem hard to get a hold of when I finally hit the point where I need to reach out. I will call and won’t hear from anyone for a couple of days. Which is endless to me. Last Friday night to Sunday afternoon, I spoke to absolutely no one except one wrong phone call Sunday morning. I didn’t leave the apartment. I have just about cleared off my Tivo. Welcome to depression. Not having work this week (the job I had lined up was canceled and I found out accidentally on Friday). I was going to have some work Thursday and Friday (today and tomorrow) but the client decided that they didn’t want me, they would prefer someone else. The client has so annoyed my agency that the agency isn’t calling them back either, so that makes me feel a little good about it. I am happy not to have to put up with the clients garbage but it would have given me something to do these two days. I can’t bring myself to doing the things that I “should” do like all my dishes or put away my laundry or wash the car, or any number of other things that this time would be great for. Health ain’t going to great and I have a dr appt next week to find out how not great. Could be nothing. Or not. I am betting on nothing like every other health issue I have.

The good:
I am growing inside. I have been told that I am much more in touch with who I really am and can be than I was even three months ago. I have an idea of what type of work I would like to do and ideas on how to figure out how to translate that to a job. I am willing to take things in small steps which is different for me. I am willing to observe myself and not be judgmental, which is another rare thing for me. I have been getting so much data about it seem like everything the last couple of months that I have reach a point of “enough” and have watch myself put up defenses so I can take a break and process it. I think I have a clue why some friends get afraid of me and disconnect. And why some people matter to me and it is so hard to let go when they don’t seem to care the way I do. These are all good things.

I had a job last week that will be a couple of days next week as well that pays really really well (almost twice what the job that didn’t want me pays) that allows me to stretch to my limits in Photoshop, InDesign, Illustrator, and Acrobat. These are areas that I can do work in but have very little experience and I am loving it. I am good at these thing and I like being able to help others with these skills. I am taking design work this company had done by other contractors and setting them up with production documents and styles guides so they can move forward on their own without needing outside help. This is what I do very well. I have a possibility for a job doing more InDesign and PowerPoint for a Civil Engineering and Construction company in Walnut Creek that I hope goes through. I have been wanting to work with Construction companies and I get along great with Engineers. I am sort of one myself.

I have three pages of work up on my portfolio site. I am not linking here because I don’t want there to be a connection between this online id and my real/full name. Just put my first, middle and last name together with www. and .com and you have it. I am pretty proud of the site and of the work I have done on it. It is in no way close to being done. I still want to put up other pages of portfolio work and my resume and contact info. It has taken me about six months or longer to get it this far but it is this far and it looks good.

I have washed some of my dishes, my clothes are mostly clean, I have eaten, I am well stocked on groceries, my bills are paid, I did go swimming once this week, I have gotten out of the house, I have socialized, I have called people. These are all good things.

I am working Worldcon. I have two official jobs and I am thinking of showing up early to help with set up, help out with tech sometimes and I am thinking of maybe going into programming to gain experience that will be useful for my job idea.

In some areas, things are really looking up and fabulous. In other ways, things are really dark and heavy. I don’t have a lot of mid ground right now. I want to say things are good but then that doesn’t allow me room to ask for help because no one understands how dark it really is. I want to say things are bad but then I am focusing on how low things are and diminishing the good going on and blocking more good from coming in.

I am just babbling here. Not really looking for anything from anyone and kind of dreading what will show up or not.

But this is an honest view of how I see things at this time, this week, this point in my life. It may be a turning point, it may not. It is just is.

My answer to the dreaded “How are you” question: Vertical.