I hate needing people and friends!
People Suck.
There was a gathering planned for today to see Pirates. One friend of mine called me about a month ago saying he wanted to set up an event to see Pirates and since I am the Pirates nut he would like to coordinate it with me. How about the Sunday the week after it opens to avoid the crowds? Since I didn’t have anything planned I said sure, I will see what I can put together. Day is now Picked.
Another friend would love to come see Pirates with us but it would have to be during the day. I said sure, I will see what I can put together. Time is not picked.
I work with my co-conspirator and things blossom. Sunday July 16th 2:45pm Grand Lake Theater. Evite goes out. Things look good. The time the movie open approaches.
I don’t make any other plans because I have plans connect to others already. Then a few days before the event I start calling around. The friend who picked the day hasn’t even bothered to think about it. He has already seen the movie and has plans for Sunday that would interfere with the Event. The friend for whom the time was picked saw it with friends on Friday and while he will be in that day, can’t stay that late to see the movie. Another friend who will have just gotten back from a business trip and didn’t know if he would be awake enough thought it was on Saturday and when I finally got a hold of him the day of, he is in the middle of the bay and can’t make it. But he really wants to and could we do it again during the week so he could join us? Other friends are interested but had a very long day on Sat and didn’t receive the Evite and didn’t know about the event until the night before and they end up not being able to make it. One friend that replied yes to the Evite, when we called her to see where she was, said she forgot about it. One friend was interested but it would be a long drive, when I tried to get a hold of him, I just get his voice mail.
The final straw was the two friends that were part of the original plan that were there. We had extra time due to a time buffer built in (smartly so) and I needed food. I had back up food but this was a good opportunity to get something more substantial. They waited for me to order and get my KFC and then told me they were heading into the theater because it was hot outside. They didn’t tell me before I paid for my food when I could have ditched the plan and just ate by back up food. They didn’t stand in line with me to keep me company (it was a long time between getting money from the bank and the food). The did wait to tell me they were ditching me which I appreciate, I just wish they didn’t wait just long enough that I have a bag of food I can’t sneak into the theater leaving me to find somewhere to stuff my food into my face by myself and find them in the theater.
My thought on this entire thing was it was an event to dress like pirates with friends, take pictures, enjoy each other’s company and see a silly pretty movie. It turn into being left outside a theater looking like a fool (a well dressed fool, thank the powers that be that pirates are popular right now), overheating, needing to scarf food I don’t really want and finding others with hats on right before a movie in a dark theater to watch a movie that I have been told has a cliff hanger ending. I wanted an event with people. If all I wanted to do was just see the movie, I could have done that any time during the last week that I have had to spend alone anyways.
I am sure everyone involved has valid reasons for their decision. I don’t blame any of them. They didn’t do anything wrong. I am just not happy with them. I would like to figure out what my part of it is so I can avoid being put in this position ever again. Right now I am disappointed and hurt. I feel like the only way I can avoid this sort of situation is to never plan things with people or trust them again. Things would be so much easier if I didn’t want or need human contact. Things would be so much better if I wasn’t. I am sure that once my feelings have run their course, I can deal with this rationally again and figure something out. Until then PEOPLE SUCK!!!
And it really sucks to still want them.
I’m really sorry that the movie outing didn’t work out as well. A couple years ago, I set up a summer party and sent out evites to 40 people and no one came. It was a bummer, but after a while I planned something and that worked out.
I don’t blame any of them. They didn’t do anything wrong
Um. No.
In this case, you’re wrong.
But it doesn’t surprise me… one of your coping mechanisms when other people treat you like dirt has always been to try and find a reason that it was your fault that they did. As if by doing so, you could change whatever behavior it was that prompted such rude and callous behavior and avoid it in the future.
Sometimes, people are just assholes.
I don’t care how good of friends they are – we are all assholes sometimes.
In this case, you had numerous friends treat you as an afterthought… not okay. You had people ‘ditch’ you when there was no reason to do so and when you wouldn’t have done the same to them had the position been reversed.
These behaviors are wrong on the part of the actors – not on your part.
The appropriate response to forgetting about the plans and seeing it a prior time is “oh crap!! I’m sorry… I forgot. What can I do? Do you want me to still come see it with you today? or should we reschedule for another movie/event where I do all the groundwork and treat you to make up for my brainstutter?”
The appropriate response to you getting food if your companions didn’t want to stay outside was “hm… it’s really hot, and we’re not going to want to stay out here – can you maybe get something you can hide on your person or wait until we get into the theater?” not leaving you alone.
Your friends (all of them mentioned in this post) owe you not only a serious apology, but some serious efforts at reparations.
DAmn. I’m pissed for you.
*hug*
What she said!!! Really. Even those who apologize or have apologized (though, that does help after the fact) deserve your ire. If you choose to forgive, that’s all well and good. But, *DON’T* throw it off with the idea that they “did nothing wrong”. Intentionally or not, they dissed you and that’s not the act of a friend. They dropped the ball, one and all, for good, bad or indifferent reasons, they did not commit acts of friendship.
You deserve soooooo much better and have the right to be angry whether or not you *choose* to be.
(((((hugs)))))
Please read what I responded to yndy with because I don’t want to type it out twice.
And trust me, I am irked and pissed and angry. And I don’t think I did anything wrong either. And just because they didn’t do things “right” that doesn’t mean they did anything wrong. Nobody dissed me on purpose. It wasn’t like this was a personal party of mine, like a birthday party or celebration or anything. This was a gathering of like minded friends who want to hang out. People chose to do so or not depending on their interests. Some could have handled it better. There were places I could have handled it better. But none of us did anything wrong or didn’t act like friends.
The situation was not good. I got hurt. That doesn’t mean there is anyone at fault. I do think it does mean there needs to be some change so it doesn’t happen again. I might change in how I handle things or what I am willing to put together or expect. Others might change how they handle things or how they say thing. I know of two conversation that will come out of this.
Pointing fingers, placing blame, saying people did XXX wrong doesn’t resolve anything. Recognizing people did what they thought they needed to for themselves, that goes a long way to being able to fix things.
If anyone purposely said they would show and didn’t bother to tell us so we had tickets bought for them or something like that. Then I would be pointing fingers and singing a different tune.
Just because I got my feelings hurt, that doesn’t mean people didn’t act like friends. Friends hurt each other all the time. It is how we deal with it that defines what type of friends we are.
…and thank you for your support and willingness to come to my defense. Even if it is a defense against me.
You are very correct in what one of my coping mechanisms is. I am doing it in different ways now but it is all about playing dodge ball. If I figure out how others throw, then I can duck better. Not necessarily my fault, but within my power not to get hurt again.
And Yes, all my friends can be assholes. I realized many many years ago that it seems that I rather like people who can be assholes (Dream Buccaneer days). I just wish everyone wouldn’t do it all at once when I am already doing sketchy. Bah.
I do want to state for the record that I don’t think I did anything wrong. There were things I could have done that might have made things work out slightly better. That doesn’t mean I was at fault or wrong, just not optimum.
And I don’t think anyone else did anything really wrong either. There was a little thoughtlessness, and little forgetfulness but nothing out and out wrong. Just not optimum. There was only one person that said she would make it and didn’t. And she found out about it when we were meeting and I didn’t talk to her so I don’t know how she responded. Others thought they had said no they weren’t going to make it, others didn’t know about it and only might have come.
The one that wants to do the entire event some other time needs coaching to realize why that suggestion is so self centered. It is actually new that he put as much effort into saying he really wanted to come as he did. He normally just fades away. He could use some help in doing what he tried to do better.
I am going to be talking with one of the companions that left me outside. I don’t blame them for taking care of themselves. It is hard to remember all the parts that I have to work with (eating, heat issue, etc) and they didn’t know I had back up plans and didn’t require getting food. I didn’t handle my side of it well either. Instead of saying “gee, guys, I just got all this food and I don’t want to be left alone,” and us work out a solution, I just snapped and shut down and said “fine,” and ended up deciding to go home to eat. They are still clueless why I took off and what is so wrong. I am not communicating my side very well.
I am very annoyed with them all but I am also recognizing that they aren’t out to hurt me and they probably all feel sorry that I feel hurt over it. It isn’t their fault but they are part of the situation that I have a problem with.
I have the power to avoid getting hurt this way again. There were a number of things I could have done to remind people and keep things fresh in their minds, to get people enthusiastic about the event and make more of an effort to attend, to find out that they have conflicts with the time and won’t be there much sooner. I have trained most of those that know me to expect this sort of thing from me. I am at a point in my life where I am looking at my basic habits and resenting being needed to behave a certain way. I am looking into this “need” to have me pump energy into things to make them happen and seeing what I want to do about it. This is within my power to do. In the meantime, it is another f@*king growth opportunity. And projecting onto others that it is their fault take my power to change away from me.
But trust me, I know I am not at fault and I am very pissed and annoyed. I am allowing myself to feel these feelings, process them and letting them go so I can talk to people and learn how to avoid this in the future. They could have handled it better, I could have handled it better but no body did anything wrong.
Thank you for being pissed for me. Funny thing is there is at least one offer for reparations and I don’t even know what to ask for. That is the effect of that old coping mechanism of mine. There is nothing for them to change. I just won’t trust them to not do what they did again.
Well, I’m very glad you’re allowing yourself to be po’ed. Whether or not you think anyone else did anything wrong. Whether or not you’re willing to accept and/or forgive, those are *choices* you make. And, by allowing yourself to be angry (yes, I do think, justifiably), you allow yourself to externalize the feelings rather than holding them in or *turning* them in. That also allows you to let go of the anger, get your “attitude adjustment”, rediscover your sense of the absurd at just how incredibly wrong a really very simple gathering of friends and outing could end up going, accept, and move on.
I salute you, My Dear, for being singularily grown up and mature. I guess my negative first reaction to your post came primarily from the perception that you were beating yourself up over things rather than placing “blame” where it was due (and then, moving on and letting it go). After time and a reread, I see where I misread what you’d said. My bad. *sigh* I get so annoyed when others misread what I say and then, here I go and do it to you. Dur… I’m a goof!
(((hugs)))
I am sorry we left you. If I’d been thinking straight, I would have offered to smuggle your food in under my jacket. Live and learn, I hope.
4th of July was failure to communicate for both of us. I assumed you knew we wanted to stay till the worst of the explosions/gun shots in our area were over. You didn’t tell me you wanted to leave by 6 pm.
It isn’t so much what happened but how it happened that is the problem. We will talk and get some stuff cleared up. There is a pattern emerging that isn’t doing well for us. And I think we can work out the wrinkles.
I thought I had responded in the negative to the e-invite ages ago. I truly wish I could have made it and we could have done piratey group goodness. Anyway I can make up for being one of the “people suck” group?
It depends on your motivation for wanting to make up for it.
Do you feel you did anything wrong?
Do you feel responsible for your part in this mess of mine?
Do you just not like to see your friends hurting and are willing to do whatever to make them not hurt even if it is not necessarily good for you?
Or something else.
There are different answers for each of these.
Good question, had to think a bit about that.
“Do you feel you did anything wrong?”
No, not really.
“Do you feel responsible for your part in this mess of mine?”
To the extant that I did not make myself clear earlier and my obvious lack of communication skills.
“Do you just not like to see your friends hurting and are willing to do whatever to make them not hurt even if it is not necessarily good for you?”
I would not want to make you feel better only to do something not “good” for myself as part of the process. But that being said I also do not like to see friends suffer either by my actions or inactions.
“Or something else.”
What I would like to offer is my assurance that if you make plans with me you can be assured I will show up when I say I will. I try very hard to never let my friends down and to honor commitments I make. In my mind I had not made a commiment to attend the event, in your mind you were arranging things so I could attend. There was a disconnect there and I feel partially responsible.
So if I can make it up to you in some way I would gladly attempt the task.
if you reply yes to an evite then flake, you are at fault. Maybe not a lot of fault as these things go, but definitely at fault. You promised to do something then failed to follow through on your promise.
If you asked someone as a favor to set up an event specially for you then flaked, even worse.