The job thing got straightened out. Turns out the client was wanting two of us and we would have been working together. They ended up not having enough work for two so they are only using one of us and my friend has been there before and is better trained to handle stuff while the person one of us would be replacing. This makes enough sense to be at least based on the truth so I can accept it. I still am dealing with the emotional fall out of sitting with how bad it looked since last thursday.
Then there is the emotional fall out from a baycon drama. The issue has been put on hold and rightfully so. The issue is piddly compared to getting Westercon up and running. I have the support from those that I deem important so there is nothing really that can be done that hasn’t been done. But I was cruising along at a good speed, making pretties and getting things done in an a way that hasn’t been seen within baycon years and due to someone else’s issues (insecurities, ego, poor problem management skills, odd ideas on what they are really good at, whatever) I have been slammed into a brick wall. I went way out of my way putting my ego aside to make the other person feel comfortable and take care of there ego and feelings and got stepped all over. I defended them to others that were wanting to hammer on them. They weren’t bad or mean as some could be but they were so focused on themselves and their issues, there is no room for anyone else and they refuse to see beyond their own skin. I am not wanting to point to anyone in particular so there is no name or gender here. They are not bad, just what I would consider undeveloped in areas I consider important. This is more of a description of what I am putting up with as a situation than getting on someone’s case.
So logically, I am very good about how I am handling this. Very professional and clear. It really is their problem and I don’t have to make it mine. But emotionally, I hit a wall and it hurts. I would like to throw a tantrum and make demands and force people to kowtow to me. I want my ego stroked and have proof how important I am. I realize all of this is way out of bounds and I would be very upset if any of this were to come into play because that means I have not done something I feel is important to do. Pride in my ability to rise above this is greater than any desire to throw a tantrum. There are good uses for Pride sometimes. My feelings and the emotional fall out are valid and justified. Taking action on them is not. I just have to learn how to deal with them on my own. In the past, I would just quit, walk away, rack it up to someone else’s problem and distract myself with something different. This time, I am trying to walk away from the bits that are not my problem and keep involved in the areas where I might actually be of some use. It feels like I am exercising a muscle that hardly ever gets used. It is not a comfortable feeling, sometimes it hurts but I do think it is good for me.
One of the things I am noticing about taking the high road and dismissing the negative critic babbling in my head and living with the emotional fall out and handling it well is that it feels like I am walking on a tightrope over a large chasm and a wind could spring up out of no where and I will fall. There have been times when I am doing fine and all of a sudden I feel like I have been thwacked in the back of my head and all the negative shows up at once and overwhelms me. This is why my tendency is to let it build and hang onto it. That way I am prepared for it when it shows up instead of this dealing with it and having it come out of the blue. Right now, I feel my grasp on the positive way of dealing is slipping and all I want to do is curl up in bed and hide. I feel like the people I want to talk to are unavailable or tried of talking to me and those that I don’t want to talk to might be willing and I will have to hide from them.
Over all I am doing good. I may feel like things are bad but rationally they aren’t. I had a good job interview today and a follow up on Wed. I am working Westercon in a way that works well for me (roaming ops) and I get to practice maintaining my boundaries instead of leaping in and solving every problem I see. I have finished off the work I was doing for Silicon and am rather sad I don’t have more to do. I am doing neat things for the program book for Baycon and there is plenty to do for that.
-Late Breaking News-
This sort of thing takes time to write and in the process of writing all this out I have gotten phone calls from two friends on the “I wanna talk to you” list. Of course they both had to interrupt me to let me know they need to get off the phone and I wanted to keep talking but I felt a lot better after talking to them. I am loved and wanted for Loscon. I know this but it is nice to have it reaffirmed. I got a chance to get all angry with the baycon “Problem Person” and draw my lines in the sand with someone that is not involved so I don’t have to be fair. That felt good. I also got to go over how my interview went and I described how I kicked ass and that made me feel great.
I am leaving all of this here because it is valid for the time it is written. Over the last couple of hours writing this I have gone from feeling lousy and wanting to hide to feeling powerful and full of wondrous stuff. I do realize that the wondrous feeling will wear off, probably sooner than it should. I am trying to learn that the crappy feeling will also wear off. It is only fair, right?
So things are good and bad and every shade in between. I am both rational and petty and every shade in between. I am hopeful that I am appropriate when I encounter others.