This is another one that I don’t know if it is for me or for others. Part of it relates but it seems expanded to me.

We all need to deal with the consequences of our actions. Every choice we make has consequences and leads to other choices.

Since our actions and choices stem from who we are sometimes if there is a conflict between the cores of two people then the outcome can be somewhat inevitable. If that is not the case, then it is about how we choose to act that will lead us to where we end up.

For every consequence there is a branching of options on how to deal with it. Each of these is based on a choice that will lead to more consequences. We can never go back to correct a choice that has lead to a consequence we don’t like but we can try to make choices that lead the path back to where we would like to be. Or we can push the problem farther down a bad path. It is how we handle the consequences of our actions that make things better or worse.

In a way, this is very similar to karma. We are the authors of our own lives and we put ourselves right where we are. We get the life we have created out of our actions and the resulting consequences. Some times we know what we are doing, sometimes we don’t.

The job thing got straightened out. Turns out the client was wanting two of us and we would have been working together. They ended up not having enough work for two so they are only using one of us and my friend has been there before and is better trained to handle stuff while the person one of us would be replacing. This makes enough sense to be at least based on the truth so I can accept it. I still am dealing with the emotional fall out of sitting with how bad it looked since last thursday.

Then there is the emotional fall out from a baycon drama. The issue has been put on hold and rightfully so. The issue is piddly compared to getting Westercon up and running. I have the support from those that I deem important so there is nothing really that can be done that hasn’t been done. But I was cruising along at a good speed, making pretties and getting things done in an a way that hasn’t been seen within baycon years and due to someone else’s issues (insecurities, ego, poor problem management skills, odd ideas on what they are really good at, whatever) I have been slammed into a brick wall. I went way out of my way putting my ego aside to make the other person feel comfortable and take care of there ego and feelings and got stepped all over. I defended them to others that were wanting to hammer on them. They weren’t bad or mean as some could be but they were so focused on themselves and their issues, there is no room for anyone else and they refuse to see beyond their own skin. I am not wanting to point to anyone in particular so there is no name or gender here. They are not bad, just what I would consider undeveloped in areas I consider important. This is more of a description of what I am putting up with as a situation than getting on someone’s case.

So logically, I am very good about how I am handling this. Very professional and clear. It really is their problem and I don’t have to make it mine. But emotionally, I hit a wall and it hurts. I would like to throw a tantrum and make demands and force people to kowtow to me. I want my ego stroked and have proof how important I am. I realize all of this is way out of bounds and I would be very upset if any of this were to come into play because that means I have not done something I feel is important to do. Pride in my ability to rise above this is greater than any desire to throw a tantrum. There are good uses for Pride sometimes. My feelings and the emotional fall out are valid and justified. Taking action on them is not. I just have to learn how to deal with them on my own. In the past, I would just quit, walk away, rack it up to someone else’s problem and distract myself with something different. This time, I am trying to walk away from the bits that are not my problem and keep involved in the areas where I might actually be of some use. It feels like I am exercising a muscle that hardly ever gets used. It is not a comfortable feeling, sometimes it hurts but I do think it is good for me.

One of the things I am noticing about taking the high road and dismissing the negative critic babbling in my head and living with the emotional fall out and handling it well is that it feels like I am walking on a tightrope over a large chasm and a wind could spring up out of no where and I will fall. There have been times when I am doing fine and all of a sudden I feel like I have been thwacked in the back of my head and all the negative shows up at once and overwhelms me. This is why my tendency is to let it build and hang onto it. That way I am prepared for it when it shows up instead of this dealing with it and having it come out of the blue. Right now, I feel my grasp on the positive way of dealing is slipping and all I want to do is curl up in bed and hide. I feel like the people I want to talk to are unavailable or tried of talking to me and those that I don’t want to talk to might be willing and I will have to hide from them.

Over all I am doing good. I may feel like things are bad but rationally they aren’t. I had a good job interview today and a follow up on Wed. I am working Westercon in a way that works well for me (roaming ops) and I get to practice maintaining my boundaries instead of leaping in and solving every problem I see. I have finished off the work I was doing for Silicon and am rather sad I don’t have more to do. I am doing neat things for the program book for Baycon and there is plenty to do for that.

-Late Breaking News-

This sort of thing takes time to write and in the process of writing all this out I have gotten phone calls from two friends on the “I wanna talk to you” list. Of course they both had to interrupt me to let me know they need to get off the phone and I wanted to keep talking but I felt a lot better after talking to them. I am loved and wanted for Loscon. I know this but it is nice to have it reaffirmed. I got a chance to get all angry with the baycon “Problem Person” and draw my lines in the sand with someone that is not involved so I don’t have to be fair. That felt good. I also got to go over how my interview went and I described how I kicked ass and that made me feel great.

I am leaving all of this here because it is valid for the time it is written. Over the last couple of hours writing this I have gone from feeling lousy and wanting to hide to feeling powerful and full of wondrous stuff. I do realize that the wondrous feeling will wear off, probably sooner than it should. I am trying to learn that the crappy feeling will also wear off. It is only fair, right?

So things are good and bad and every shade in between. I am both rational and petty and every shade in between. I am hopeful that I am appropriate when I encounter others.

Contradictions – Generous and Patient

I have been told in the past that I am a very generous person. I didn’t see it. I feel very much like it is all about me getting stuff, not me giving to others.

I have been told in the past I am a very patient person. I didn’t see it. I see only the areas where I am impatient wanting/needing things that other people aren’t moving fast enough on.

Since it is important to me to see how I am seen and see as much of me as possible I have watched for these things and I think I have something figured out.

The reason I don’t see myself as generous is because I don’t sacrifice so that others can have something. I have way too much self interest in my mind, I am more important to me than anyone else. But when my needs are met, I have no problem giving to others. It isn’t something I even think about. I am happy to do it. If someone wants something more than I do, I will do what I can for them to have it. If I feel like I don’t want to, then I reevaluate how much I want it after all. I give presents that are very personal to the recipient because I think a lot about them tune what I am looking for to who they are. This is just something I do, I don’t consider it generous. One of the reasons I give good presents is because I am such a skinflint with my money that for me to be willing to part with it then the item/idea has to be so good that it justifies the money. People on the outside only see the ones that make the cut so it looks really good.

So, I am both very selfish and generous.

I don’t see myself as patient because I want what I want and I want it now. Waiting for things is a very hard thing for me. I have a lot of behaviors build to avoid waiting for things. I ignore books I want until I can get all of them at once. I don’t by comics monthly but wait for the graphic novel to come out. I tend to be late to things because that way others are there before me (I am not proud of this one but I do acknowledge that is where one part of my time issues probably come from). I need issues resolved right away or I start making changes on my part to take care of myself. When I have questions I want/demand answers Now.

But from the outside, people watch me put up with poor behavior for way longer than they would. Someone I care about will say they can’t answer something right away and I don’t have a problem waiting because I trust they will actually bring it up later and take care of it. There are lots of times I can set things aside and get back to it later. I think this stuff usually this comes from understanding what is going on and what is happening inside of people. I can distract myself and point myself in other directions. I am still working on why people think I am patient since I haven’t been working on it for the years I have with generous.

There are many other contradictions in me. These are just two that have come up and wanted out today.

So, I had this job scheduled. I went from having no work to having four weeks fully booked. Famine to Feast. Not all that pleased with it but it was good and I was dealing. Well, the Feast is back to Famine. Turns out that the work for the next two weeks has dried up so they don’t need me after all. Which is ok because I have an interview on Monday or Tuesday for another possibility and my old company has some work for me to do.

But…
Turns out a friend of mine, who I was going to recommend to replace me if I ended up with a different job, has been called in to do the job I was going to be doing tomorrow. Between her and me we are fine with it but really confused as to what is going on with the agency and the company. The scenario for why we are getting completely different stories sounds really bad. Both of us hate being lied to and work well being told what is going on. Don’t like my work, that is fine, here is a recommendation for someone you may like better. Like me but looking for more, fine. I don’t have a problem and if you need be because you can’t find someone else and I am available and need work, I am happy to do it. I even like knowing that this is a short term gig that I am helping out with what I can do for them while they look for what they really want.

I figure the agency is a lost cause. They are doing the CYA thing assuming the worst out of everyone and treating us that way. It makes me upset but they are a source of work and now that I know, I will include that in my understanding of them. I am going to try to talk to the client and see if she can tell me what is up but I am afraid that they might be hiding as well. I am very sad over that.

I hate that there are people out there that need to be treated like this and that the repercussions of this are bad enough that companies need to do shit like this to protect themselves. I hate that I can’t be seen as who I am and be treated in an appropriate manner.

I was very pleased with how I was handling this morning having my job disappear on me and being ok with it and heading toward productivity. I have some con stuff to work on and I was excited to get started on that. I had contacted a friend to spend the day with. I have open space for other people that want to schedule me for things. It was good. Then this discommunication thing came up and it is icky. At least it isn’t a dissolve into depression thing, it is an upset angry thing. It could be a depression thing if I stop moving but I have some momentum now so I am going to try to keep with it.

This has been running through my head for a few hours and it seems important for me to put it where others can encounter it. Don’t know if it is for me to admit to or if it is for someone else or all of the above or none of the above. But that doesn’t really matter.

Remember, everything you build inside your head is not real. Reality is much more complex.

The models inside your head are based on the information you have and have gone through your own personal filters.

Sometimes they can be good guides, other times they can lead you astray.

A lot depends on how good your information is, how representative your information is of reality and how much of your own crap is being fed into the model.

Inside your head is not objective no matter how much you try to make it that way.

Additional information can really screw up a beautifully put together model that makes everything make sense, and sometimes it is hard to let go of the easy model. It is important to interact with the real world to keep the inflow of information as fresh as possible and not get too caught up on internal models.

Things ended yesterday on a better note than they started.

I found a place that makes sugar-free italian ice cream. The reason this is good is not because it is sugar-free but that the sugar-free is created by using fructose instead of that evil that is splenda. Even though I was cold because the temperature had dropped and I did not prepare for it, I bought myself a cone and enjoyed it.

A block away was a hot dog guy. I had been looking for these hot dogs for 4 days while I worked in the Mission district. These are great hot dogs. They are wrapped in bacon and cooked on a cookie sheet over a hot plate with onions and green peppers. They are found on the sidewalk and have got to be against many health codes. I have them leave off the green peppers and put mayonnaise and ketchup on mine. I found them once a block away from the 16th street bart station and in the Garment District in LA. I love these things. So while I was eating my ice cream, I got one of these. Another man was there waiting for his order and he told me that this guy is there Thurs-Sun and if I don’t find him on Mission, then check a block over on 22nd, basically across from my new ice cream place. He also told me about a cheep parking garage on the other side of Mission off of 21st where I can park and pick up my favs.

It was nice to get this information and it was nice to have a conversation like this with a stranger. We don’t do that enough with today’s society. I felt in tune with what was going on around me. It was different when I started working in the Mission district earlier in the week, I felt very out of place and like I didn’t know how to fit into this different social structure. I felt like I needed to defend myself from everyone because I would be such an easy target.

story time

There are times when I am amazed by how much I hate myself. I have managed to completely wipe these times from my memory, even the short term memory. But it is a very familiar feeling and that means to me that I have been here over and over again.

I know I am a massively wonderful person and I generally have really high self esteem. I believe any problem people have with me really is their problem. I have things to work on, yes, but they don’t invalidate me as a good person.

Times like this all that seems irrelevant and I really do hate myself. I don’t normally notice this and will distract myself from it. But I am learning to live with the day to day and the moment to moment and this is one place this really sucks. To avoid this feeling, I would have to do something that would screw up my life (like run away from work) and I can’t afford this right now. So I am trying to learn how to acknowledge these feelings and not let them overwhelm me. And it hurts. And I hate the choices I have made and the consequences they have lead to. Even while knowing that the consequences aren’t all that bad, it is only my feelings that are making them so. They are still my feelings and I have to learn to live with them.

I realize this is a momentary thing. It might last until I get some productivity under me. It seems to be part of the inertia problem I have. Part of Transitions.

This is a post of acknowledgement, not one looking for solutions. Part of that whole ickky “feelings” crap I don’t like to deal with.

I am functional in our little warm up here in the bay area but I don’t feel good. I am at a job in the mission district in SF and there is AC and no ice for the water. I have to walk 8 blks from bart to the loft to work and back again. I brought an umbrella because shade is lacking on the walk.

possible minor TMI

A few days ago I asked my friends list about a link to a message site from the Royal Navy. I got one response with a possibility on the official Royal Navy website which I had searched as well. Since I didn’t get any other pings, that let me to think that the post was from someone that doesn’t read my site. My main possibilities are Sailor Jim and The Ferret.

Sailor Jim was the winner.

This is a neat site that has video of incoming helicopter (or jet or sub or…) and they deliver a message you type out.

http://www.getthemessage.net/

I am sad they don’t seem to have it mentioned on their official site.

Share and Enjoy

To all those that are interested in all thing Lois McMaster Bujold, not only is she going to be in town for book signings June 29th and 30th, it looks like she is a participant at Westercon that weekend.

Argggg, I was going to skip westercon and save myself from attending yet another convention this year but if Lois is going to be there, I might have to make other arraingnments. I am planning on seeing her in Denver in 2008. This is the Year of the Lois?