Contradictions – Generous and Patient

I have been told in the past that I am a very generous person. I didn’t see it. I feel very much like it is all about me getting stuff, not me giving to others.

I have been told in the past I am a very patient person. I didn’t see it. I see only the areas where I am impatient wanting/needing things that other people aren’t moving fast enough on.

Since it is important to me to see how I am seen and see as much of me as possible I have watched for these things and I think I have something figured out.

The reason I don’t see myself as generous is because I don’t sacrifice so that others can have something. I have way too much self interest in my mind, I am more important to me than anyone else. But when my needs are met, I have no problem giving to others. It isn’t something I even think about. I am happy to do it. If someone wants something more than I do, I will do what I can for them to have it. If I feel like I don’t want to, then I reevaluate how much I want it after all. I give presents that are very personal to the recipient because I think a lot about them tune what I am looking for to who they are. This is just something I do, I don’t consider it generous. One of the reasons I give good presents is because I am such a skinflint with my money that for me to be willing to part with it then the item/idea has to be so good that it justifies the money. People on the outside only see the ones that make the cut so it looks really good.

So, I am both very selfish and generous.

I don’t see myself as patient because I want what I want and I want it now. Waiting for things is a very hard thing for me. I have a lot of behaviors build to avoid waiting for things. I ignore books I want until I can get all of them at once. I don’t by comics monthly but wait for the graphic novel to come out. I tend to be late to things because that way others are there before me (I am not proud of this one but I do acknowledge that is where one part of my time issues probably come from). I need issues resolved right away or I start making changes on my part to take care of myself. When I have questions I want/demand answers Now.

But from the outside, people watch me put up with poor behavior for way longer than they would. Someone I care about will say they can’t answer something right away and I don’t have a problem waiting because I trust they will actually bring it up later and take care of it. There are lots of times I can set things aside and get back to it later. I think this stuff usually this comes from understanding what is going on and what is happening inside of people. I can distract myself and point myself in other directions. I am still working on why people think I am patient since I haven’t been working on it for the years I have with generous.

There are many other contradictions in me. These are just two that have come up and wanted out today.