Monthly Archives: July 2009

this is the Trepidation you have been waiting for

It is ALIVE!! Bwaahh hahhhaaa haaaa.

Ok, it was up on Sat early early morning but was hading behind a fnord screen. It has come out in its full glory and is ready to be viewed by many. Please make it feel loved and tell all your friends.

I present to you ….


So… let’s see. It took me two days to create and launch the website out of the 7 between con concept and the actual con. On a year scale, that would be about 3 and a half months. Not to shabby. Sleep, a fabo party and a ritual were included during that time too. I have been more social this weekend than I have been in the last two years (outside of actual cons) and was still productive. Woot!

Super Hero Street Fair

I just heard about this and it is happening in the real part of this day.

It is a family friendly fund raising event that lasts from 1pm until midnight in SF. I think it goes with the theme of Silicon this year (Heros and Villians). Wish I had more notice to spread the word. I heard about it from someone I thought didn’t want to talk to me anymore. Guess he was doing his best to spread the word to anyone he could think of.

And yes, I am working on the 24 hour con in 7 days. Trepidation 2009! Check out cmdrsuzdal‘s post. The website is half done.

Labyrinth Retreat

I got back from a 4 day retreat near Petaluma with Veriditas today. I lot of time walking the labyrinth, talking, sharing, blah blah blah. It was really good. Which is sort of sad because right now I feel like I never went. I am right back where I was before the event. And it had a large effect on me. I wish it could have lasted longer.

I didn’t learn what I went there to find out but I got a lot more questions and ideas to ponder. Loads of ideas and insights. I might have connections, I might not. I will go with the flow if the flow shows up.

A few people will recognize this one blessing I received and understand why it totally cracked me up. I was given this blessing like it was an insight and something new to me.

The trickster god might actually be sane. (not the exact wording but the idea).
Of course the trickster god is sane. It only appears to be insane because we don’t know what it is up to or why. I will admit I prefer to do things so that the trickster god doesn’t have a need or desire to get involved in my life but that isn’t always possible.

Change or be changed.

Mentally, I didn’t really show up and plug in until this morning. It took 2 and a half days to get in sync. An interesting side affect of this was being able to watch what others were trying to offer from an objective point of view. I don’t know how much of the advice I was given was because they were projecting onto me their issues or if I was appearing to have a different set of issues than I honestly have.

I was told to not worry about what others think of me. They did note that I did carve my own path. I think maybe they thought I wasn’t happy with that fact. I think the main reason I am concerned at all with what others think of me is that I don’t want to deal with the consequenses of them thinking something about me. Yeah, that doesn’t make a lot of sense so lets try an example. If someone at work thinks I act too childish and therefore don’t take my work seriously, they won’t assign me juicy jobs. I want to be able to control how I am treated by what I present. A lot of times I don’t care but sometimes it is important. I like knowing how I am perceived. Also, I have issues with boundaries. I don’t have a guideline of where it is that I need to stop before others thing I have gone too far and stop being entertained/appreciative and start reacting negatively. I want the positive so I watch for reactions. My personal sense of value is not often measured by other people’s yardsticks.

I think they also were a little surprised at how I own up to my weaknesses and almost always follow that up with they are also my strengths. When I first started on laying out my idea of how to work around my tendency for flakyness, they tried to get me to do positive affermations and push me into making a commitment. Then I explained the process of owning my flakyness and my resistance to being obligated and how I have figured out a way around it so that I am more likely to follow through and if I don’t, there is a back-up so others don’t have to lose out if I am flaky. They shut up pretty quick. From comments later on, I think they were surpised and impressed by this out of me. It really makes me wonder how I was perceived early on and how that changed by the end of our time today. I have a feeling it changed a lot. I am not even sure those two versions of me could be said to recognizable as related to the same entity.

I am probalby talking in circles. It is late, I have had a very full week of some serious digging deeper into myself and there is a whole lot of babbling stored up because I had to sit on my tongue many times. And this is my spot to Babble!!!!Bwaaa haaa haaaa haaaaa.

Browncoats Love them, not one of them

I think I need to stay away from the Browncoats. I greatly admire them. I am tickled that a fan group has the sticking power the Browncoats do and that it is such a positive group. I think they are slightly different than other fan groups and those differences are fabulous.

I have wanted to participate and have not made it happen for a couple of years. Different events, different reasons, etc. It being important to me also, oddly, got in the way a number of times.

Tonight I finally made it to a Can’t Stop the Serenity screening. It was really great to be surrounded by people that are ready to be friends with anyone who speaks with them. I enjoyed talking with some of them and my hyper side came out for a visit. This happens at cons and such but the Browncoat fans are even a little more open. That is something I have missed since cons have gotten so big and Geek has become more popular. When the groups got bigger it stopped being safe to assume that everyone in it is my type of people. Browncoats seem to being some of that back.

BUT….and you knew that was a but in there, otherwise why would I be posting that I need to stay away from them.

Every time I open myself up to join in, I get a smackdown from the Universe. The resulting pain has nothing to do with the Browncoats themselves. But something in my life goes sideways right at the time when I am meeting these interesting great people and I wouldn’t have gotten hit if I didn’t go to the event. It has happened enough times to seem like a pattern so I feel the need to stop trying, to stop stepping in front of that train. It isn’t a cause-effect relationship but even a concurrent relationship is a relationship and a good sign to watch out for. These hits were part of the reason it got harder and harder to try and join in over the years. The hit tonight was enough to cross me over the line into letting go.

I still admire the Browncoats and think they are a fabulous force. I will just have to deal with the little bit of pain and resentment from watching from the outside (I already have this with Reni Faire and Dickens Faire so it is just one more to add to the list). I will miss the small joys I have experience in trying to participate but it is stupid to continue to open myself to get whomped.

I am not happy about this right now. I am sure I will become resigned to it like I have the others.