I feel done.

This morning on my way to work I felt I had managed to avoid the downslide of the job situation. I had managed to skip over the terror and undermining feelings of the job being yanked out from under me like a rock being skipped across a pond.

I get to work and my boss is stuck in a meeting that makes him an hour late for our meeting. Lunch was stuff I don’t eat so no lunch for me. My computer profile is all messed up so my computer has frozen up and IT needs to play with it.

So the assignment that was a perfect fit all the way around for both me and for them? Nothing has shown up on it yet and it doesn’t look like it is a go. I think the agency screwed up. They have a new client, a really big one, and the person they had assigned didn’t show. That was the reason for the broadcast email I responded to. They had someone they could have put in place the next day that would have made them look so good but the person handling the account was too busy to get back to me until 9pm that night. Yup, he called me at home at 9pm. I feel sorry for him working that late but if this was such an important new client and they got egg all over their face by the person they assigned, I would think he would have made time earlier or passed it onto someone else. I did everything I could from my end, including calling multiple times to check in and a willingness to take things and run with them.

I have some job possibilities in my email inbox that I just don’t have the energy even to read beyond the basic skim. I don’t even have the energy to copy off my internet favorites from my work computer so I have them later on. This morning they were gone but the IT guy got them back.

So, I think I have managed to skip over the gibbering monkey of terror just fine but I have landed face first into the lethargy of despondency when things don’t work.

I have a full weekend ahead that hopefully will pick things up. I am thinking of heading out of town with this time off I have and just chilling at a friend’s house for a few days.

But at this time, I think I hear a ding dong calling my name.

On the way down the road today I saw another Scion Xb all spanky and new. I was watching it in my rear view mirror and it was behind a black Ford sedan that just wouldn’t catch up to me on the left. After a little bit of time (and road) the black sedan finally pulled up on my left letting the other Scion get closer. I looked over as the sedan passed me and a man was smiling and giving me a thumbs up sign. He had been checking out the back of my car, that is why he had stayed back for as long as he did. I got the biggest grin on my face.

When the Scion passed, I waved hi but there was window tinting on all the side windows so I couldn’t see a thing. As I passed it later on, I looked over the the driver was waving hi and smiling. My grin got bigger.

I felt so good and smiled so much when these other drivers acknowledged me in a positive way on the road. I love it when we all work together.

I have managed to send out 5 cover letters and resumes. I don’t see getting any response out of them but they are all part of putting energy into the system. I am exhausted and worn out. It is so much easier to just do the work than to try to sell the fact that I can do the work. Why, oh why can not people just understand that I am a goddess in the things I do well and they want me. Blah

So yesterday into this morning, I am keeping myself busy because every time I start to slow down I start gibbering in terror. I am convinced I won’t be able to take care of myself. Intellectually, I know better but emotionally, without work bringing in money and without a huge stockpile of money, the gibbering money starts off nattering in my ear. I make it into the office to hang out (since they aren’t paying me for today but I get to use the internet connection and stuff) around 1:15pm. I consider this a success. About 10 minutes before I logged in, one of my agencies sent out a broadcast email looking for a rock star presentation specialist. Instead of staring at it and getting around to it later like I normally would, I call right away. They are tickled to have me call and as soon as JC is out of a meeting, he will call me and fill me in. The project is an immediate need for someone to make a presentation pretty before Feb 1st. That will nicely fill in the rest of this month and allow me to be free for the 1st and 2nd to do the work for my now old company. I will also be looking for real work and poking the agencies for more temp work. Basically it is a perfect fit for what my life has turned into.

I feel like someone up there is laughing at me. The Universe sees that I am gibbering in terror and then hands me something that fits perfectly. And just so I don’t get too complacent, I haven’t gotten the call back to find out about the immediate job. They could have filled it, they could want me to start tomorrow, they could want me to start next week. I don’t know. It may even be too far for me to commute to or pay some ridiculous low wage. I have a feeling I know who it is for and if I turn out to be right, then it is great. But at this time I don’t know and I don’t think I will know until tomorrow at the earliest. And yes, I have called the agency a couple of times and have only gotten voice mail for the one I need to talk to. Bah

In all this, I managed to remember that I can claim unemployment this time around. My work hours were drastically reduced through no fault of my own. I have only been on unemployment once. When you work for temp agencies, unemployment doesn’t work so well.

So another night of avoiding the gibbering money in the back of my mind. All in all, I am better off than when I started here, but for some reason, I feel worse off. Isn’t being aware of your emotions so much fun? Bla

But I did a great job of actually searching for jobs, contacting people and writing as well as sending cover letters. I have to keep reminding me to pat myself on the back for those things. It is amazing that I did all that today given my normal methods.

Fast breaking news:
I have been sacked. Sort of.

My company has been doing poorly the last few months and took a hit last week. In response, they are trimming staff. Not a happy thing on anybody’s part. I am part of the trim which makes complete sense since it has been hard to find enough work to keep me busy 20 hours a week.

But they need my skills for about 8-10 hours a month. We are trying to work out a way for me to come in at the very beginning of the month to do the reports they need. I still need another job to support myself. If I end up working and can’t give these guys the time, I actually built the system such that I could do remotely and so I would be able to do the work during my off time. That would mean extra money which is good right now.

I am sad that this is happening. It isn’t anyone’s fault and they have glowing reports of my work so that is very good. I still need another job. But I can come and hang out here.

There is good in it but it still sucks rotten eggs. Welcome to change. Baaa

I started writing this at 2am but couldn’t finish because the light from the computer was bothering me and making me feel even more ill. It wasn’t a migraine but it had some shared components.

I don’t feel very good. It has been a long time since making food has made me to nauseous to eat it. I can’t even eat more than half of a Power Gel. I miss the old type of food bars before they “tasted good.” They didn’t try to please the pallet and therefore could be eaten without thinking. Now the thought of any of them makes me ill. Too sweet.

I went to bed lat night around midnight. I thought about getting up at 8:30am. And 11 and 1:30. The last time I looked at the clock it was 2:35pm. Then I stopped looking at the clock. And it got dark. And darker to a point I couldn’t see the clock. When I finally got up, it was 7:50pm. I took my meds. I made some Chicken and Broccoli rice and sauce and ate that. I called a friend after eating so I had at least some outside contact. I started watching my TiVo. Around midnight, I realized I wasn’t feeling very good and I should eat more. Since I have been thinking about eggnog french toast for week, I gave it a try. By the time I was done with all 9 pieces, I was to nauseous to eat them. I made a valiant attempt and picked my way through a slice and a half. I drank apple juice to get me started. I tried adding apple sauce for the fructose content and I just couldn’t swallow it. I keep burping up what I had eaten. By 1am I realized I had messed up my system so much that I was past the able to eat point and I needed to eat to get better. I pulled out the Power Gel at that time. I wasn’t able to finish it and that is a first. There was nothing I thought I could keep down. And since I had slept so much, I couldn’t escape into sleeping. And I was so worn out and had no energy.

It started feeling rather hopeless, like why bother. This was not a good place for my head to be. A really bad place for my head to be. It ranked high enough to warrant a call to my dad. I left a message but I did do it. I took one of my panic meds in hopes it would help or at least make me not care that I felt rotten instead of dwelling on it and getting frustrated. Around 4am I was able to go back sleep.

My alarm went off at 7:15am like usual and I felt about like I normally do in the morning. My dad called at 8:30am to make sure I was away and we talked for a little bit. It was really really good. I think I needed that.

Today is kind of ok. I am starting to have issues three hours after lunch. I will probably be borderline for awhile. I haven’t messed up on food like this when I was in control of things for years. It could be a response to being so busy during the two days prior but it doesn’t feel that way. I am more inclined to think it was because I didn’t have something scheduled with someone else for that day and I almost always blow my own stuff off if given the chance. I use to have a very full social calendar because of this very reason. Lately, my calendar has crickets because I am refusing to make things happen for/with others. I figure it is a cycle.

I am putting this out there to acknowledge that I did this and remind myself later that I did this. This is not a broadcast post to inform people but for my own sake.

Whoa, what a weekend. I consider San Jose a far distance to travel since I don’t travel all that well. But a I have a lot of friends in the South Bay and sometimes a lot of things are going on down there that I want to be a part of. I had a wedding to attend on Saturday so I started packing things around it to take advantage of being in the area.

Saturday morning, I headed to San Jose for Mark and Laura’s wedding. I was having “One Of Those Days”(TM) and am behind schedule. I snuck into the back about half way through and stood between Suzanne and Kenneth. Other people we know were scattered all over the sanctuary. After the ceremony, it seemed like everyone came our way and hung out until Jennifer informed us that it would be great if we headed to the reception but no matter what we did we couldn’t remain any longer. I though I had been so smart and knew what I was doing and headed out for the Decathlon Club. At the beginning, I found I started going down a different street than I thought I was on so just plotted a different path and hit traffic. At the other end, I couldn’t find the Club because I had the wrong address. I ended up driving around in circles pretty much before realizing what was wrong and corrected it. I took about an hour and a half for a half hour trip. (note the “One Of Those Days” from above?) At the reception, I sat with delightful people I know and other tables had more friends. After the food, there was dancing (of course). When things wrapped up, I was off to emberleo’s for a ritual thing we are working with. Gotta love the emotional rollercoaster things like that take you on. After that ended and we got some food into us, I headed onto Ken’s to crash. I got to talk to him a little bit and then headed to bed because I was dead tired.

In the morning he told me that I must induce a restful ambiance because it has been a long time since he has slept 8.5 hours. That was his way of telling me it wasn’t 8:30am like we planned but 9:30 when he woke me up. Having not eaten yet, it didn’t register with me. When I was done eating, I asked what time it was and was surprised it was already 10. Eep, I am suppose to be meeting people at 10. There was a quick rush to the phone and it rang as I was looking up phone numbers, Rick was calling to say they were just getting out of bed. This was a delight to hear because I could then afford the time for a shower. We moved our meeting time to 11am. Ken and I joined Rick, Ammy and Eric at the Original Pancake House where we swapped stories and Rick and I went over the next steps on my car mod. After second breakfast, Ken and I hit a dollar store and I dropped him off at home. The next stop was Chris’ house to pick him up so he can help me shop for mattresses. We hit a wrong address (“One Of Those Days” Take 2), a waterbed store and a Mattress discounters. I am still undecided and unpleased with my choices but not nearly as frustrated as I have been on other shopping trips. After I drop Chris off at home, I call sandpanther to see if she would like a drive by hugging and end up going out to dinner and talking through some things with her. It was time well spent and I think I left her in better spirits than when I arrived. It was a good way to end my trip to San Jose. On the drive home I get a brief chance to talk to Bert on the phone before he has to go. After that, I talk to Eric the rest of the way home.

I am finding it rather hard to be at home right now. I am looking for distractions and I don’t want to deal with my normal home stuff. But I am home and slowly I am growing accustom to it again. Usually if something is going on in the South Bay, I will drive down and back in a day. But this time, I managed to turn a trip to San Jose into an entire weekend of activities and seeing many many people that I haven’t seen a quite awhile. It is more social than I have been in a long time and in some ways, very much like a con in how saturated it was with people and stuff. I don’t think this makes up for the weekends of not talking to anyone or leaving the apartment. It appears that I am doing a pendulum swing with this element of my life.

I don’t normally give into political rants but this has been rattling around my head for a few days and I want it out. So here it is, maybe it will be quiet in my head.

I support and believe in the troops of my country.
I do not support or I believe in the leadership of my country.

It is bad that the leadership I don’t believe in is in charge of what the troops I do believe in are doing. I am not happy about that.

I support a reasonable plan to get our troops out of Iraq. I don’t think our leadership has one. I think we need to give up on democracy in the Middle East now and work on a system that will build the foundations for some sort of democracy in the future. Democracy can not be enforced from the top down, it has to grow from the bottom up. It can’t work when violence and suicidal bombings are considered appropriate ways of solving problems. The current culture in the Middle East is not ready for what our leadership thinks it wants to establish. I am not even sure our form of democracy is the right thing for them. I think they need something like their own version of Franklin D. Roosevelt. Someone that has the country’s best interests at heart and leads. I think the problem with Saddam Hussein wasn’t that he had complete control but what he did with that control.

I know I don’t know enough to even have a clue what really needs to be done. But I do feel that our leadership is not on the right path to figuring it out. Sending in more people to fight and die for the wrong thing is also wrong. I don’t support it.

I read this one someones journal on OKCupid. Sounds about right to me.

———————-
Men and women really usually don’t know what the other wants for foreplay or sex.

- 95% of women like their neck kissed (or butterflied)
- 10% of men kiss their partner’s neck.

- Most women like light scalp massages, ligh stroking on the cheeks, kissing the bridge of the nose, etc.
- Most men think that women want to have eye contact, kiss, but otherwise the head isn’t on the list.

- Most men go from kissing to the nipples
- Most women: “Owch”, they need to warm up first.

- Most men think foreplay is something to get past and spend less than 5 minutes
- Most women think it is fore-play. They want to play and be played with their partner.

- Most women think about what they feel during sex
- Most men, sports scores

- Most men want help finding the right place and feedback
- Most women want men to be men and know all of that

(the first is an actual statistic I recently read, the rest are paraphrases of older information)

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 92 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

92? That seems like a low number considering I have stumbled upon a few of them myself. Doing the vanity search on google, I am not the Pet Psychic, I am not the one that escaped from a cult, I am not the nurse, I am not the freelance education writer in Las Gatos, I am not the attorney, I am not the illustrator in PA, I am not the masseuse, I am not the producer with Earthworks Films in SoCal, I don’t manage a company that builds homes for race car drivers, I am not the military wife, I am not the financial aid secretary in Kansas, I am not the one in San Mateo. There are a lot of people with my name that are not me.

The funny thing is the references to me appear to be all con related. All my other internet appearances don’t link my first and last name. I think I am grateful for that.

Well, I managed to fail a medical test and this time it might actually be related to something that is actually bothering me.

I have been informed that yes I do have Sleep Apnea. I am scheduled for a Sleep Class in late Feb. This is where they tell a group of people what each doctor would have to tell each patient. After that, we get to the individualized issues.

Considering the people I have talked to with sleep apnea, I suspect I already know a lot of what will be in the “class.”

I had a take home and strap to my arm and fingers test. I don’t know if they will have me come in for an overnight sleep lab test. I am thinking I will find that out in “class.”

This issue doesn’t seem to address my blood sugar issues or my quivering eyes, but it might address my sleeping until 7pm on the weekends and my trouble getting out of bed on weekdays.

I consider this sleep apnea to be good news even if it means I will end up sleeping like a Borg with a C-pap machine. But I wish I could fail the medical tests that actually relate to the problems I know I have. *poo*