Monthly Archives: March 2007


In 1997 I broke. I had been working in a profession that meant I needed to pretend to not be me. Because I thought this was the way life worked, I suppressed my needs and kept plugging along. Best I can figure, my inner me was being starved and started breaking things about myself that I depended to continue to function, like the fact I will do whatever I have to to earn money. I started getting to work and then falling asleep in my car for literally hours (usually around 7 or so). I would wake up, turn over and still be tired and go back to sleep in the driver’s seat. I wouldn’t be able to stay away or get out of the car or go into the office until after 5pm when everyone was gone. There were other things but it was this behavior that made me get help. I got better.

Now, I seem to be going through something again. I am riding waves of being up and being down. I am wonderfully functional when I am up and I get things done. When I am down it is like all of my energy is gone. I have nothing to tap to do what I need to get done. I don’t answer the phone. Trying to get ready to get out of the house and do something about getting work makes me shake. I have to keep repeating to myself that I am ok, over and over and over to calm down enough to do something like take a shower instead of burying myself under the covers again. I prefer to lose myself in books or tv. That is the only time I don’t feel like I pushing rocks uphill so they will roll down again. Hanging out with others help but I am isolating myself more and more. 

The possibility of breaking again has been a strong motivator for me to get assistance of whatever kind I have needed in the past. I hated being like that and didn’t want to go back again. I have been getting what help there is and it is beginning to look like I am getting close to being in a very similar spot. But I have been watching for a reason and I can’t find one. It isn’t because I haven’t been paying attention to my inner self. That is well taken care of. And the thing that gets me is I no longer care that I sleep away the day and that I might be at that broken stage again. I am just accepting it as this is what it is.

I am not looking for help. I have asked and gotten what people have been able to give. That is why comments are turned off.  I am just posting this as a trail marker since this is where I am right now and it seems significant. I could make this private but I write for others to read, otherwise I don’t write. And who knows, maybe this information will be useful for someone if for no other reason than to understand why I have been quiet for awhile.

Crush meme lemming ahoy

I have been hesitant to follow the Crush meme. Things are going good and bad for me lately and the end result is more volatile than I like. I can see where this Crush thing could hurt if people use it or don’t use it. But slowly I am willing to admit it could be a good thing instead. So, here I am, closing my eyes and putting it out there and letting whatever happen.

Crush this person!
Get your own CrushTag!

TV update

Two new shows are starting that I stumbled across because of TiVo and thought others might appreciate knowing about them.

The cable channel Lifetime is starting Blood Ties based on the Blood books by Tanya Huff March 11th 2007.

The cable channel FX is starting a show called The Riches staring Eddie Izzard and Minnie Driver March 12th 2007.