I am wired backwards

I sometimes tend to have the opposite reaction to things than what is normally expected. Here are some examples:

A friend tells me in a crisp voice, “it is 10pm get out of my house,” and I feel warm and loved.

Someone I am dating tells me that he was upset about part of a serious email I sent and I find a smile blooming on my face and I am thrilled.

Another friend who I was hoping would be a close friend tells me that I am draining to him when I am trying to provide energy to him, that I will grab a hold of things and worry them like a pitt bull when I am trying to help and that I push my concept of change being good for people onto others when I am trying to be laid back about these things and the result of these comments, while sad, was a sense of contentment and balance.

On the surface, these things do not look good. Most people would avoid being the one to even say most of these things. I am not someone that likes pain and looks for it. For me, these things mean something very different than what they look like on the surface. The information I am given is so very important that I appreciate what other people would see as negative things. This is what I see for each example.

The friend that is telling me to get out of her house knows that we will talk until the late hours in the morning if given the chance and we both need to sleep. She wants me around to the last possible moment so there is very little time wasted on winding things down. She knows me well enough to know that I can take a quick break off and she trusts me enough to do it. She has taken the role of responsible one so I don’t have to watch the time. All this makes me feel understood, cared about, loved, welcomed and wanted. It provides me a delightfully warm feeling when it happens and I leave with a smile.

The email that the SO found troublesome was a long serious email and I worked hard to not hurt him with anything in it. It seems odd to be so delighted when he said something in there did. But I know that I am not always clear and that I don’t always know how what I say will affect other people. Him saying there was one spot that bothered him meant that everything else was good, I got a chance to be more clear about what I was trying to say, something affected him and he was willing to give me feedback and I got more information about him. Also that he trusted me to talk about this instead of just ignoring it and sweeping it under the carpet. I was delighted with the opportunity it provided and the connection we had.

Being told negative things from someone I really like and admire turned out to be really good. I was so very happy he felt he could tell me these things. I learned that he didn’t have the capacity to handle my energy level so I could adjust where he fit in my life to take care of that instead of always guessing. I got a different perspective on things that are important to me and an opportunity to see that I am not doing things the way I want to do them. The feedback was invaluable to me and has really affected the way I feel about some things. I have a better understanding of how some people react to me and have managed to adjust how I approach things so that people don’t have to be overwhelmed by me and I don’t have to wait and guess at people’s reactions. I got feedback, information and felt a solid connection with this friend. While I am sad that things couldn’t live up to the potential, that potential wasn’t inline with reality and it is so much better to know it now than later. I appreciate him being strong enough to tell me things that would hurt but were true. I felt cared about even when basically being told he was avoiding me for months. The information and perspective he gave me lead to another step of growth I am very pleased about. I may not talk to him much, I will always value the gift he gave me.

This is why I feel I am wired backwards. I get value out of what others see as negative things. People will avoid telling me something negative to either protect me or because they are uncomfortable and actually hurt me in the process by denying me the information I feel I need.

Back from Loscon.

It was a bit of a Drama-con, but we are Ops, we know how to keep it under the radar. We took turns having our mini-meltdowns.

The bad news is that I spent most of the con either working or trying to rest so I could work. I didn’t really show up at the con until it was time for breakdown. The good news is that I did managed to show up. I was bouncy and singing and having a high old time tearing the Art Show down. I like de-construction. I was my normal energetic happy self during that entire time. I like that version of me.

I have a number of possibilities for where to work World Con. Option, options, options. I might just attend with fresne and capricious_k, I might wander the halls or do masquerade with the friends I costumed with that world con, I have been asked to work Ops, I could work Member services, Information, Con Suite, Staff feed, I might work Tech (they found out I was a Master Electrician and would really like me to work) or I might be able to swing turning our joke idea into a real possibility and need to get added to communications. I think I like the idea of working tech, more physical motion and feeling of accomplishment. But if I can get the last one to work out, that would be a fine and dandy result of my playing connect the dots. Then again, it is all about line control.

I seem to have this thing about line control. I can’t not help. I see a line that could work better, more information passed along, entertaining ways to get people to do what you want, I have to do it. It is a compulsion for me. I even did it at the airport when I was on the way home.

I thank everyone that had a hand in getting me to con and making it a good experience over all.

I am going to be Friend locking a lot more posts. The main reason is I am afraid of people who I don’t want reading my journal finding it. I have been depending on apathy and lack of internet savyness and I think that is no longer the case. Quizes and info posts will remain open but the things that are more personal about my life will be friends locked. I don’t want to have to edit them for every possible reader.

Because of this I am changing my policy of how I treat my friends list. Until now, I friend those people I know or those that I find interesting. I really don’t have too much trouble having strangers read my journal. I say a lot of things that can be useful. So, if you want to read my journal and you aren’t currently on my friends list, leave me a comment telling me who you are and I will probably add you.

When I get time and a faster connection, I will be going through and locking appropriate old posts.

I got a call looking for people to be part of a focus group. They are looking for Gamers (board, computer, online) between the ages 18-40. Gee, I don’t know any of those. The woman gave me her number for anyone interested to contact her so I am not pointing her to friends without their knowledge.
1.800.493.1079
I believe the meeting is for 90 minutes and gives you $75. I think it is in Berkeley this week and Nov 22. So call now and feel free to pass this info around.

This is my last day of my 30s. Looking back I noticed something interesting.

I cried the night before my 13th birthday because I was not ready to be a teenager. I cried the night before my 20th birthday because I was not ready to stop being a teenager. My 30th birthday was a mess and I didn’t have time or energy for reflection. Today I am excited that this is my last day of my 30s. I am ready to move on.

As a child, I was never in danger of wanting to grow up too quickly. I always understood that I would only have that time once in my life and I should enjoy it while I could. Once I was an adult, I would be an adult for the rest of my life, which from the view point of a child is a long long long long time. I grew up kicking and dragging my heels. I was different from the “norm” because of this.

Now I am approaching an age where the “norm” is to deny growing older, to hold onto your youth, to repeat a earlier birthday over and over. I am happy with my age. I am incredibly proud of my grey hair. I worked hard at each and every one of them. The only complaint I have about them is I would like them more concentrated in a few spots and less scattered. They are noticed more that way and look cool. Not too happy with the wrinkles and the loose skin but it doesn’t bother me too much. The trouble will be when I look really silly wearing my short skirts and I can’t tell.

I am tired of being young. I am ready to live my life with the experiences I have collected and using the lessons I have gone through so much pain to learn. I am tired of dealing with the pettiness and superficialities of “youth.”

It feels like the New Year’s Eves when a bad year is ending and everyone is toasting good riddance to a bad year and hoping the next will be better.

I am glad I canceled my plans so that I would have room for this sort of reflection. I wish I could figure out what my future self would regret not having done at this age so I can make plans to do it. But I continue to draw a blank in that regard.

I am giving up on the plans for the Wake. I find I am approaching my birthday frustrated and depressed and it has nothing to do with the fact I am turning 40. Other things in my life are overshadowing the change in age. I remember feeling this when I turned 30 and I don’t want a repeat of that. I want to enjoy this change of decade instead of it getting lost in plans and preparations.

I am having a hard time facing the immediate future. Things were not coming together for the Wake. Thanksgiving is an empty slate. I don’t know if I can afford to go to LosCon or how I will get there. And I don’t even want to think about the nightmare of Xmas.

I hate holidays and right now, my birthday has become one of those hated holidays.

So, not big deal over the change of decade. I might do something in the first quarter of the year when things will hopefully will be less stressful.

Happy Birthday to fresne and emberleo

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	5.1
Mind:	6.3
Body:	7.5
Spirit:	4.6
Friends/Family:	4.2
Love:	1.5
Finance:	5
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

This is about right for now I guess. Although I am a little surprised by how high some of the scores are. Guess that is because things aren’t really that bad, just my attitude about them is bad.

Light on the costumes this year. I don’t even have pictures ready.

Dance Macabre – Pretty in Skulls

Halloween party at work (where no one else wore a costume) – Clash of the Tartans, 18 different plaids

Gaskells – Ant Queen (with Queen Bee and Dragonfly Queen, and nods to Firefly)

Cemetery Picnic – Nazgurls (there were 4 of us and we finally got what we felt were enough pictures since we didn’t take many the first time this costume set was done at Baycon)

Halloween at work – Black Pirate (again, lack of worker participation)

Hmmmm, looks like 5 costumes. Last year it was 9. With the addition of actually having work for this week and last, 2 costumes got added that weren’t planned. Guess this year wasn’t as light at I thought. Either that or for me, 5 costumes in one season is light. *snerk*

Had lunch with fresne and pictures were taken which was good because I didn’t have my camera with me. After work, I went home and ended up going to bed by 8pm with a migraine. While I didn’t have the same female issues others on my friends list got hit with, I was still taken out of the evening of Halloween.

I think I am done for this year. I am tired.