I was writing up a response to a “At least you have a job” comment to my last bitch about my job post and it got long and evolved enough, I figured it deserved it’s own post.
You know, that little fact that I have a relatively good job just makes it all the harder to deal. I know I “should” be grateful that I have a job. I “should” appreciate that it is a good company (comparatively speaking) and it has good benefits. I “should” be grateful that I have an income that fits how I live. I am Very Aware of all of this. These are a whole lot of “shoulds” that get in the way of dealing with the issues of the fact that I am not happy. Years ago, a list of “shoulds” kept me in a profession that ended up eating away at my soul enough that I felt broken enough to request to be institutionalized and have that on my record for the rest of my life. I was told I would have to live my life and work on getting better in baby steps. When I broke, I was had great potential. I was designing Access databases and playing with computers and I was an assistant to a residential lighting designer. There was even the possibility that I would be able to take over most of the lighting design firm so that she could spend more time with her new baby and still keep a hand in the industry. It was a fabulous opportunity. I had a large number of great friends and a very active social life. On the surface, things looked golden. But my soul was rotting from the inside out. I broke. After therapy, my first step was getting to a point of actually being able to show up at a receptionist temp job. At one job, they actually asked me if I could alphabetize for filing (I have a BA and a masters in civil engineering). It took me a year to become functional again and four years to reclaim a portion of the social life I once held.
If I was in the position of not having any work, yes, where I am now would be a step up. But to have searched for a job situation that meets my needs, found it and then have those very things removed from me, it is a step down. It is really hard to have to face being afraid that the fear of losing what I “should” be grateful for is going to keep me in a place that is actually harmful to me. It makes trying to figure out what to do that much more complex. And it doesn’t help to have those around me pointing out what I “should” be grateful for on top of my own beatings of my inner psyche.
Tally to date:
Just got official notice (complaint from big wig to assistant to our big boss to my boss to me) of four things we have done wrong, three are mine, one isn’t.
We are losing someone (he is moving away) and he wont be replaced to we have to suck up his work load.
Not having a job would be worse for me but that doesn’t mean having this job is good for me.