Monthly Archives: April 2008

Well I have more energy than I did earlier. I found out that due to some typical computer trouble, I saved something for Baycon in the wrong format. I can no longer edit it and most of the work I did on Monday evening is down the drain. Suddenly I have a lot of energy. I am so aggravated at myself for this.

On the plus side, it will be easier to do the second time around and it makes someone else’s job a little easier. I can spend some time on graphics instead of text. I have more energy and am mostly doing good. I even have motivation and have finished some work-related things.

It is rather funny to watch how thin the surface of this doing good is. The littlest thing will really make me angry all over again. Luckily work is really slow right now. I would have already gone home but I tried out something for my graphics and it worked so much easier than I expected. Something I thought would take an hour or two could be done in minutes. I have some serious kudos to give to my former co-worker. He is the one that figured it out and set it up for me. I haven’t played with it until now. Color me impressed.

So, I am doing better on the surface but not that stable. Usually when it is other people’s problems, I am very stable and help them get through it. Still tired. Still have moments when all I want to do is sink to the floor and stay there. Still have issues with breathing now and again.

I am seeing more about the breathing. I think it is that I stopped breathing as I am doing something (walking or working on something), stop being distracted and notice that I need air badly, take some deep breaths (because I know it is panic/stress related), and still feel like I haven’t gotten any air. Even though my body is doing fine (I think because I haven’t fallen over) the feeling of “Need” for air is still there. Probably leftover chemicals running through my body. Gotta love this physiology stuff. Weeee

(I don’t feel moody or like things change quickly. (Ups and downs over a few hours isn’t moody, is it? I hear rumor that there are people that have the same mood for Days at a time, maybe longer. They must be hanging out with Big Foot.)

I either learn to deal with it, or I curl up at home on the couch with my stash of peeps and tune everything out. This doesn’t feel better in the long run but for the moment, it feels just right. So, do I eat the box of blue peeps, one of the yellow ones, some of the purple ones, I think the green ones are all gone now…


I am exhausted. And I don’t feel I should be. I have a big project looming over my head for BayCon and I haven’t done anything on it for two nights. But I find myself having a hard time breathing. I need to actually focus on getting air in and out and not hyperventilating or stopping breathing. Both feel good (for odd values of good).

I have been trying to do much better job of getting to work on time. It seems to only happen for a short time after my boss has talked with me about it. Waaaa, I wan’t to be better at this.

So it appears that having the need to get to work on time and the work for BayCon looming over my head as used up spoons. This doesn’t feel right. If I was actually get those things done, then losing this many spoons to them would be appropriate. Just having them on my plate is not suppose to use up that many spoons. Having them on my plate is suppose to use up little tea spoons, not all my big heavy wooden working spoons.

Distraction doesn’t work as well as it used to. It seemed to and then ran out quickly. Obviously I am low in reserves and I can’t figure out why and what I need to to replenish them. I have tried to restock the backup tanks but it doesn’t seem to be working well. Maybe my backup batteries have developed a memory that won’t let them recharge. Or I just don’t have access to what it takes to recharge them. I have a feeling a lot of it is the latter but to get what I need, it requires other people. And I don’t have what it takes to make that happen. I have been trying for over a year and it still isn’t working. I only have the resources I can get my hands on and can’t depend on anything outside myself. I have been trying to rewire so those things are enough but it doesn’t seem to be working.

And today, I am exhausted.

I am glad I opted out of Costume Con. I don’t think I would be of any worth to anyone and would probably be a liability. I can pull it together if ren_wench needs me but beyond that, I don’t think I have anything to give.

I feel wiped today.
Last night, my activities ended around 8:30pm and I was headed to a nice quiet night at home with my tv. Instead I went grocery shopping. I got a number of things I wouldn’t normally get but if they made it easier for me to eat when I should, they are worth it. It wasn’t stressful but it did take until 10pm before I got home. It was taking care of myself but again, I didn’t have any at home time.

I watched an hour of tv, ate things I shouldn’t (popcorn and sugar) and curled into the couch to fall asleep. I find I can get dozy on the couch but dread going to bed. After an hour, I was out of it enough that I could relocate to the bed without a problem and go right to sleep.

This morning I tried a new routine to help get me started so I can get to work on time. It was successful until 8am when I fell back asleep for half an hour and was running late again. Hopefully it will work better tomorrow.

I took care of myself, I got enough sleep and still I feel like I am dragging myself everywhere and can’t keep focused on work. Whaaaaa. This is how I am suppose to feel when I am pushing myself, not when I am paying attention to my well being. I miss being hyper. I think I was able to ignore the dragging feeling and pretend it didn’t exist. I am paying for it now. When that side shows up and I acknowledge its existence, it drags me way down.

I feel the need to say something about the Open Source Boob Project. I think I got the intent theferrett was talking about from his first post. His follow up posts correspond to my first impression.

I understand that some people have issues with the idea and that is ok. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and feelings. I don’t like all the crap that has been flying about this. I really feel that the people that are so opposed to this don’t get that it wasn’t about letting everyone touch women’s boobs. It was about a system where, when approached with respect, a woman could be asked a question about touching a part of her body that society has listed as verboten and she had the option to say Yes or No and have that answer respected. I think this is rather healthy in the right circumstances and if everyone agrees with the rules. It removes a level of mystery that causes tension. Like showing ankles in Victorian times. Once women wore shorter skirts, the ankle wasn’t as titillating.

I probably would be wearing of Red button of Don’t Ask me and not participating but I don’t think the project is a bad thing. Guys that are there just to get their jollies wouldn’t be allowed in the project because they aren’t approaching it with respect.

I feel the project was about removing a layer of titillation to something that is really a body part (not all the titillation but some of it) and respect for women and the right to say yes or no. What I have seen written about the project from other sources all seem to focus on the idea that if a woman wears a yes button, she is open for anyone to grope her at any time.

I can understand people getting upset about it to a point they can’t see everything involved. Boobs are tied into sex and that is a very emotional subject. I can see some people getting justifiably upset. I can see why theferrett wrote the original post the way he did having had an incredible connecting experience at a con and not having the opposite point of view to know what land minds to avoid. If it was a different type of subject for the project, I think people would have just read it and if they didn’t agree, ignore it for the most part. Because this is something we tend to not talk about and is so emotionally laden, it has turned into an internet phenomenon. I am sorry that theferrett is painted so harshly that he feels he needs to avoid certain cons so that people can feel safe/comfortable. I don’t feel he is a predator. What happen with the Open Source Boob Project is not that different that other stuff that happens at cons. If you aren’t into it, there is a good chance you didn’t even see it going on and wouldn’t be aware of it.

I don’t think theferrett is any more of a pervert than he has shown in his other posts. I think he has a lot of respect for women as well as admitted desires for their bodies. I think he is a good guy that had this neat experience and wanted to share it. It turned out to make a lot of people uncomfortable and he really regrets that. I think a lot of people don’t get the idea behind the project and are taking just the surface (Ooo, they said “boob”) and reacting from there. I think his response is appropriate.

As for the The Open-Source Knuckle Sandwich Project, I would have to say my answer will always be No. If you ask with respect and respect my answer, it should be ok to ask. Of course I will assume that you like to hit things or that you don’t like me or I might ask why you would want to punch me in the face.

Sadly I have a hard time seeing the humor in this parody because so many people are upset with the entire idea. I am disabling comments because this is something I feel rather strongly about and would take needing to defending my position as a personal attack when it isn’t. It hits an emotional trigger for me and therefore I am not to reasonable about arguments about it. I did feel like I wanted to let people know what my position on this was since it seems to be going around and it seems like I differ from some of those on my friends list. It is ok for us to have different opinions. I don’t need to convince anyone that mine is right but I do feel the need to state what my opinion is and why.

Missed meeting

Just got done checking in with the boss. She stopped by on Friday as I was ordering a ticket for a play that night so I couldn’t talk. I popped my head in to check in with her and we had an quicky meeting.

She told me she saw me when I came in at noon on Wed and I looked horrible and she wanted to know how I was doing (this was the morning after I picked my mom up). She suggested I call in sick because that is what we have PTO time for. I was ok talking to her but then got more and more nervous and went into story mode and probably overstayed my welcome.

In some ways it is good to have a boss that cares enough to check in on you. In other ways it really blurs the boundaries and makes it hard to know when to stop.

I am doing a little better with my arrival time at work but still have to get a lot better.

Now I am overheated and feeling sick. I wish I could just tolerate things better instead of being so aware of them that I react when reacting isn’t appropriate. All I want to do is go home and hide and that really won’t help anything.

It doesn’t help that I had a migraine last night (I believe it is because of cookies I ate with real sugar, they haven’t done this before but it is a wheel of effects when it comes to consuming sugar) and couldn’t go to sleep until after I took some heavy drugs. I woke up feeling fine (this is how I normally deal with migraines) except I feel really dried out. My lips feel like they are on the way to being chapped and my throat is scratchy and dry even while I am drinking tea or water. I don’t know if these are related or I am just being overly aware again. I actually wonder why I feel as fine as I do since it was so bad last night. The pain wasn’t so bad, it is just pain, it was the feeling horrible and not being able to do anything. I couldn’t distract myself in any way. Sight and sound cut deeply into my head. I went from freezing to sweating, back in forth over moments. Sometimes in less than a minute. I took my temp and it was the same no matter what I felt like, 95.9F (I typically run low).

So I mostly feel fine but queasy from the meeting and feelings of stepping in it. Put that together with the sore lips and throat and I wonder if I should just head home. If I gave in every time I felt like this I would only be at work half time if that. Oooo another boundary issue. When is it time to go home sick and when should I just tolerate? Grrrr.

And the sad thing is that I Know that if I found something interesting, I wouldn’t have a problem staying and working on it. Distraction is miraculous sometimes. I might pay for it later or never.

Revisiting the Past

With an upcoming trip to Denver (the first in I think 8 years) I find myself curious about old friends. The internet is more powerful now than it was the last time I did a check for people and I found more than I have in the past.

Old anime friends and old college friends have popped up. I have even reestablished contact (last couple of times I tried, emails bounced and I was denied.)

I find that I am not all that interested in reestablishing friendships with these people. I am very interested in what they have been doing with their lives. What twists and turns they have taken since we walked the road together and where they have ended up. I sort of want a check in board where I can read their stories and come and go as I please.

I really appreciate my mother’s role in the family. She stays in contact with everyone and fills me in with information and I am satisfied.

Doing well – not doing well

Mom came in from Bali last night. I picked her up at the airport, took bart to my car, took her to her hotel and we went through her loot from Bali.

On the surface, everything was fine. We didn’t get into any fights or arguments. We didn’t walk on each other. We didn’t avoid anything. I miss my mom and it was really good to see her. We were able to connect. I was able to make things smooth for her in some areas and just let her deal in other areas.

The entire thing took way too long. Her plane was scheduled to land at 7:30pm. It was a little late and I think we found each other around 8:30pm. We were inundated by the Free Tibet rally people on bart and missed a train due to that and spent the time visiting which was nice. We got to my car, made a pit stop at my place, got to the hotel at 11pm. We went through her things and repacked her bag with the Xmas presents I never got sent to my brother’s family. I was on my way home at 12:30am, home at 1 and got stuck in a book trying to settle down afterwards so up until at least 3am and lay awake for I don’t know how long.

Today I am loaded with resentments and feel beaten up. This morning I was so tired and wiped and feeling dead. I almost called in sick but I was in the middle of something at work and we supposedly have a full schedule today. Nothing up against the wall, just a regular day instead of a light day. I drank my normal morning food shake thing and still could barely move. And I couldn’t pinpoint what was wrong. It felt like a blanket over me. Like nothing was really wrong with me but I still couldn’t move. Like I had the will power to move, I just wasn’t using it. I felt overwhelmed and not. I finally decided I needed a baloney sandwich and figure out two easter chocolate covered marshmallow eggs were the only way I would have the motivating power to make the sandwich so that is what I ate. I then ate the sandwich while watching some tv (Walker Texas Ranger) and amazingly I was able to turn it off mid-story and get ready. I managed to get out the door and to bart at noon.

Once I was at work, I have been doing well. I am very function but I feel like I am going to fall over. When I talk to people and work on things, I feel fine. When the little gaps appear, all I want to do is quit everything and hide in a whole or numb out or better yet, quit life. I don’t want to be doing this. I know that isn’t a choice but that doesn’t make me not want it. It isn’t that horrible, it is just that persistent, endlessly wearing me down. Feels something like Chinese water torture, drop…drop…drop…

So on the one hand, things went really well with my mom and it was good to see her. I recognize the resentments as a defense mechanism to protect me from my own desire to do whatever I physically can for her with no boundaries. I am actively working on a better set up for that. There isn’t any reason for me not to be doing well at work. On days when I get little sleep, I usually am better able to deal with mornings because I haven’t fallen into that deep other reality that runs in my head where I would rather stay.

On the other hand, I feel beaten up and worn out. I feel like I am dragging myself through every moment of the day and am just waiting to fall over.

I can’t see what is so hard about what is going on right now. I can’t point to it and say “see, that is why you feel like you do.” But I do feel like I do and I am somewhat amazed that I am able to function through the day. I am really amazed that sometimes I feel like I am on top of it all and doing really well. It comes in waves and the decent is a bitch.

I think I have another key to stuff. Big difference between my mom and me is our ability to tolerate whatever. She can put up with stuff, keep going and even enjoy the stuff that is good about something. It means she is unaware of a lot of things and has a large load of denial. I am very aware of things and feel like I need to protect myself from being overwhelmed. This is probably why I am feeling what I do and if I could just set it aside, I wouldn’t suffer as much. It isn’t like there are things I can solve, they will always be there, but I don’t have to feel them. Mom is on one extreme, I am on the other.

I feel my working on myself has made me more aware and stripped away some of my ability to ignore crap so that is probably why things are worse right now. I need to learn new ways to tolerate standard stuff and use my awareness for the important stuff.

I am so exposed that all I want in numbness or distractions. Transitions are the worst. Going from home to work, leaving work, walking to lunch, etc.

So that is the state I am in right now. Desperately holding myself together and being impressed that I am doing fine on the outside.