Mom came in from Bali last night. I picked her up at the airport, took bart to my car, took her to her hotel and we went through her loot from Bali.

On the surface, everything was fine. We didn’t get into any fights or arguments. We didn’t walk on each other. We didn’t avoid anything. I miss my mom and it was really good to see her. We were able to connect. I was able to make things smooth for her in some areas and just let her deal in other areas.

The entire thing took way too long. Her plane was scheduled to land at 7:30pm. It was a little late and I think we found each other around 8:30pm. We were inundated by the Free Tibet rally people on bart and missed a train due to that and spent the time visiting which was nice. We got to my car, made a pit stop at my place, got to the hotel at 11pm. We went through her things and repacked her bag with the Xmas presents I never got sent to my brother’s family. I was on my way home at 12:30am, home at 1 and got stuck in a book trying to settle down afterwards so up until at least 3am and lay awake for I don’t know how long.

Today I am loaded with resentments and feel beaten up. This morning I was so tired and wiped and feeling dead. I almost called in sick but I was in the middle of something at work and we supposedly have a full schedule today. Nothing up against the wall, just a regular day instead of a light day. I drank my normal morning food shake thing and still could barely move. And I couldn’t pinpoint what was wrong. It felt like a blanket over me. Like nothing was really wrong with me but I still couldn’t move. Like I had the will power to move, I just wasn’t using it. I felt overwhelmed and not. I finally decided I needed a baloney sandwich and figure out two easter chocolate covered marshmallow eggs were the only way I would have the motivating power to make the sandwich so that is what I ate. I then ate the sandwich while watching some tv (Walker Texas Ranger) and amazingly I was able to turn it off mid-story and get ready. I managed to get out the door and to bart at noon.

Once I was at work, I have been doing well. I am very function but I feel like I am going to fall over. When I talk to people and work on things, I feel fine. When the little gaps appear, all I want to do is quit everything and hide in a whole or numb out or better yet, quit life. I don’t want to be doing this. I know that isn’t a choice but that doesn’t make me not want it. It isn’t that horrible, it is just that persistent, endlessly wearing me down. Feels something like Chinese water torture, drop…drop…drop…

So on the one hand, things went really well with my mom and it was good to see her. I recognize the resentments as a defense mechanism to protect me from my own desire to do whatever I physically can for her with no boundaries. I am actively working on a better set up for that. There isn’t any reason for me not to be doing well at work. On days when I get little sleep, I usually am better able to deal with mornings because I haven’t fallen into that deep other reality that runs in my head where I would rather stay.

On the other hand, I feel beaten up and worn out. I feel like I am dragging myself through every moment of the day and am just waiting to fall over.

I can’t see what is so hard about what is going on right now. I can’t point to it and say “see, that is why you feel like you do.” But I do feel like I do and I am somewhat amazed that I am able to function through the day. I am really amazed that sometimes I feel like I am on top of it all and doing really well. It comes in waves and the decent is a bitch.

I think I have another key to stuff. Big difference between my mom and me is our ability to tolerate whatever. She can put up with stuff, keep going and even enjoy the stuff that is good about something. It means she is unaware of a lot of things and has a large load of denial. I am very aware of things and feel like I need to protect myself from being overwhelmed. This is probably why I am feeling what I do and if I could just set it aside, I wouldn’t suffer as much. It isn’t like there are things I can solve, they will always be there, but I don’t have to feel them. Mom is on one extreme, I am on the other.

I feel my working on myself has made me more aware and stripped away some of my ability to ignore crap so that is probably why things are worse right now. I need to learn new ways to tolerate standard stuff and use my awareness for the important stuff.

I am so exposed that all I want in numbness or distractions. Transitions are the worst. Going from home to work, leaving work, walking to lunch, etc.

So that is the state I am in right now. Desperately holding myself together and being impressed that I am doing fine on the outside.