Monthly Archives: November 2011

series of dreams

bohemianbanshee asked me if I remembered my dreams from Tuesday night. I was too full of the details that morning to be able to write them out. Trying to push them through the logic filter to put them into words and then spell the words in the right order would have killed them. But thinking about it now I have some of them. I wrote them out for her in a comment and decided that it was too long and should probably be a post of its own. They are lodged with my real memories and sometimes float up as real so it is probably a good idea to get some anchor to remind me of them being dreams.

Back in 1987, I was in a state to opt out of Halloween (I read a book that night in my dorm room) but the night before I had some really vivid dreams. I had three dreams that were linked together. I woke up between them, rolled over and went back to sleep not wanting to continue the dream and it was like commercial breaks. I even had credits rolling at the end. They creeped me out because they were like a cross between Twilight Zone and Outer Limits. They all had to do with a boy named Jason and his father killing him. Three different fathers, three different sons, but they were all Jason. The first dream, the boy was reanimated, I don’t remember anymore what happen in the second, in the third the bloody body was in the trunk when his father takes the car to the shop. The father gets in an elevator with another man who turns out to be the first father and they ride up together. When the doors open they are faced with sand from horizon to horizon (mountains are in the distance) and a straight vertical drop outside the doors. They are on some type of structure that is very flat and has a texture similar to sandpaper. They have to work themselves off this structure to the flat land and see if there is something in the mountains. As they are trying to get off the structure, the camera pans back (this is when I found out I was a camera) and it turns out the structure is the name Jason and the credits start to roll. The mountains are probably where the first kid died while camping with his dad and brother. I always wished I had a camera in my head for this.

So here is the babble about Tuesday’s dreams:

Do I remember them all? Lets see…
There was one where I had to pass through a series of gates to get out of somewhere (there is a lot more detail here but not sure how to describe it) and there were gate guardians of the Egyptian flavor. I (and those with me) would be almost through whatever they were making us do and another god would show up and take over and we would have to start over. After a number of these transitions (more detail) I had to get out so I expanded and floated up and skipped the gate system. I was yelled at because I was quitting (like when you are playing D&D) but I couldn’t waste my time going though the process any more. (This is an example of one of them).

There was the one where my brother was trying to kill me out on the ocean but the water was fresh water and I could fly/swim like a bat ray.

The one where people joined a community focused on being happy and making life worth living. This had an air of paper cutouts and run by a short ompa-lumpa type character that was very charismatic. It was a world contained in an egg shape and at the end we were able to float to the top (this was the first in the series of dream and the least remembered. It made much more sense when I could remember more of the rules of that world).

Shoot, I only remember the floating dreams. And they were the ones at the beginning. The other dreams followed and I kept mistaking them for memories.

Then after falling asleep again I had the dream where I was a doctorate candidate and had done a research job on corn and was preparing my big presentation. It included cleaning my room at the farmer’s house where I stayed while working on it. It was a big deal to make the bed and pin a banner on the bottom and put out a tapestry/rug that had been knitted by the community onto the bed. It was like the bedroom was the stage. The dream had loads of history that showed up about how corn was used for paint and there was a former President (of the US) that was there and he was known as a supporter of farmers and corn crops. My hosts (the farm family) apologized to him because my findings went against what was formally believed about how good corn was for what it had been used for and they felt that they might be seen as supporting the destruction of what he worked for. He told them that it was fine. (there is more detail)

Oh yeah, another dream was about wandering around London and some school of New Teensomething or other. I couldn’t get the name right after I woke up but I felt that I really wanted to study in London for the summer. I was thinking about how I didn’t have much keeping me here and how it could be perfectly reasonable for me to move there for a semester and what a good idea it would be right now. This was my last dream before waking up.

Before that it was about how there are trains that weave through the streets and people live on them. This is how more people are added to already cramped cities. People sleep in rows of cots/beds and in the dream we were taking orders for the fast food restaraunts we were passing by. They were the same places as now (McDonalds, Wendy’s, Subway, etc) but the food was in smaller portions. Just bite size. And because there were so many of us showing up at once, it took a long time to get your order. We were at an entire block of fast food and I couldn’t decide what I wanted. Then we rolled past an Arby’s and that was just perfect. I got off and went to order. I could get a large version of the sandwich (which is like a real one) but they wouldn’t let me have only one potato cake. I had to order those in pairs which made no sense (and it was difficult to get them to admit to that). It was a bit of an argument/discussion. There was also this thing were some people were called up for duty and they were required to show up all at the same time. It didn’t matter if you were so far back in the line that it would be all day until they got to you, attendance kept being taken so they would know if you went and did something else while the line was still moving. The character I was following there was a guy that was married but had to hide it becuase he couldn’t be part of whatever this thing was and be married. And he was required to be part of it. Sort of catch 22.

Another dream was about my mom and I touring in Italy but this Italy was nothing like the real Italy we really did visit. There was one leather store that I found that I remembered seeing on the internet. I looked at all these cool vintage type bags (something that would go on a motorcycle rather than a handbag) and knowing that I could ponder it and order it from his online store which I could refind when I got home. Mom and I ate at a japanesse/chinese place where there were language issues. They showed us the food individually in leu menues and we each chose something different so we could try out what the other got. When we got our food, we found out that they showed us the raw food and it was cooked which was fine but it looked completely different. When we got the bill it was way too high. After arguing with them we found out they charged us for two of each because it had to be cooked as a set of two even though they only served us one. My character decided to pay them one forth for the meal and walk off. Something about only paying half of what was served because of being misled. I think we only ate a few bites of it. There were partks and little stores and plays. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to get my mom around on a scooter.

There was one part where I had gotten lost because I thought a turn off of a store was a straight turn and the right one was more angled. This is the part that led to the living trains in the city streets dream.

There were transitions between dreams but each dream had different characters, worldsand rule sets. I think the sequence went happy world to Egyptian gates, to fresh water ocean, to trip with mom, to street trains, to studying in london. There was also one that was an office I worked in. This one is very vague. I have some details that I think might be from a different dream from months ago so I am not counting those. I think this office dream lead to the happy world dream. There might have been one between happy world and the gates.

Well it looks like a last minute job showed up for today. Time to play in Reality. At an ad agency. *snerk*

Reality Sucks

I called a time off on Reality and for Tues and Wed I didn’t bother with it. I slept and dreampt (I am pretty sure that is a word but spell check doesn’t know how to spell it either). After a 12 hour sugar induced sleep, I was able to count 7 epic dreams. That is the most I have ever had. Each had a full set of rules that I knew and would make a great story. I napped in the afternoon and had another one. It keeps coming up as a memory about doing a dissertation on corn.

I am back to at least dealing with reality and am pulled back into the internet. Sun and Monday were hard and I feel badly because I am either a bad person because I let my friends down or my friends don’t care much if I am there or not. I used to have things set up so it was ok if I showed up or not. But I wanted this bad enough I thought I would follow through. And I couldn’t make myself do it.

On Tues, I went to see my mom and she poked me in one of the areas I am failing at. I tried to hold my perspective and her perspective in my head at the same time to be able to explain to her why what she did is a bad idea and how we can work around it but I sprung a leak and lost all ability to manage anything. I had a bottle of water in my hand and when I threw it, yelling “I can’t do this,” it hit the floor hard enough to bounce off the wall at shoulder height and land on the tv stand. I grabbed my things and left crying. I wrote her a reasonable email when I got to the car, apologizing for my outburst and why it showed up the way it did. Then I did the shopping I needed to do. When I got home, I curled up and didn’t want to connect to the internet and haven’t until now.

I did get a call from Jennifer and Ken on Wed, and a txt from Kevin checking in on me. I appreciate those. Poor Jennifer got the full load from the corn dream because her call woke me up from it.

Now I have kaiser classes for the rest of the day. Maybe an hours work if it shows up for tomorrow. I feel better but not like anything has been resolved. Just that I need to plan for me to be at my most flaky again.

well…I didn’t make it

Didn’t make it much past the fix hair portion of the rest of my todo list. I ate lunch and that was it. Didn’t even get to the brush teeth line item. Although I did manage, later in the day, to do the Take out Trash (which includes loads of kittly litter droppings) line item. Yay! My nose thanks you.

I am thinking I just need to adjust to not being able to make it to the South Bay for the time being. If it was local, I think I could have thrown myself out the door and just dealt with it. But since it was a Long Trip (anything over 20 miles becomes a Long Trip) and planning was involved, it didn’t happen. Sometimes I am amazed I make it to Hilltop to visit my mom as frequently as I do.

I feel badly but there is only so much badly I can feel and then I send a shock through the system and short circuit the wires and give up. Many years ago I had friends all across the country. I hit a point where I had to draw a line and let go of all those below it. It hurt, I missed so many terribly, but now I don’t. LA was out for awhile but came back. South Bay comes and goes like cottages coming to to meet the sea and flowing back out again (HHTTG brain spike).

Once again, I chop another part of my life off and let it go. Seems I am good at that. Sadly, I think I end up chopping off pieces that are good for me in the process. And I am not sure chopping is the best way to go about it. I know I am tired of me and my flakyness. I suspect some friends are too. I wish it could be discussed reasonably so that lines could be appropriately drawn and worked within but that isn’t polite and it is an awkward conversation.

I am concerned that I am isolating myself even more. I don’t do well at parties and I have stopped going to most events. I do best one on one and appreciate those that have come to help me try to overcome my apartment but I wonder how many more times I can ask for help. I am glad I have my mom here. She allows me to bump heads with her and make things work.

I am doing better today but I wonder how deep the abyss I am standing next to is and if I am going to be sliding down its slopes or managing to walking away from it. The tv has been on for something over 4 hours on a blank station as I have lost myself in the internet.

I am probably being overly dramatic. That usually happens.