Didn’t make it much past the fix hair portion of the rest of my todo list. I ate lunch and that was it. Didn’t even get to the brush teeth line item. Although I did manage, later in the day, to do the Take out Trash (which includes loads of kittly litter droppings) line item. Yay! My nose thanks you.

I am thinking I just need to adjust to not being able to make it to the South Bay for the time being. If it was local, I think I could have thrown myself out the door and just dealt with it. But since it was a Long Trip (anything over 20 miles becomes a Long Trip) and planning was involved, it didn’t happen. Sometimes I am amazed I make it to Hilltop to visit my mom as frequently as I do.

I feel badly but there is only so much badly I can feel and then I send a shock through the system and short circuit the wires and give up. Many years ago I had friends all across the country. I hit a point where I had to draw a line and let go of all those below it. It hurt, I missed so many terribly, but now I don’t. LA was out for awhile but came back. South Bay comes and goes like cottages coming to to meet the sea and flowing back out again (HHTTG brain spike).

Once again, I chop another part of my life off and let it go. Seems I am good at that. Sadly, I think I end up chopping off pieces that are good for me in the process. And I am not sure chopping is the best way to go about it. I know I am tired of me and my flakyness. I suspect some friends are too. I wish it could be discussed reasonably so that lines could be appropriately drawn and worked within but that isn’t polite and it is an awkward conversation.

I am concerned that I am isolating myself even more. I don’t do well at parties and I have stopped going to most events. I do best one on one and appreciate those that have come to help me try to overcome my apartment but I wonder how many more times I can ask for help. I am glad I have my mom here. She allows me to bump heads with her and make things work.

I am doing better today but I wonder how deep the abyss I am standing next to is and if I am going to be sliding down its slopes or managing to walking away from it. The tv has been on for something over 4 hours on a blank station as I have lost myself in the internet.

I am probably being overly dramatic. That usually happens.