Reality Sucks

I called a time off on Reality and for Tues and Wed I didn’t bother with it. I slept and dreampt (I am pretty sure that is a word but spell check doesn’t know how to spell it either). After a 12 hour sugar induced sleep, I was able to count 7 epic dreams. That is the most I have ever had. Each had a full set of rules that I knew and would make a great story. I napped in the afternoon and had another one. It keeps coming up as a memory about doing a dissertation on corn.

I am back to at least dealing with reality and am pulled back into the internet. Sun and Monday were hard and I feel badly because I am either a bad person because I let my friends down or my friends don’t care much if I am there or not. I used to have things set up so it was ok if I showed up or not. But I wanted this bad enough I thought I would follow through. And I couldn’t make myself do it.

On Tues, I went to see my mom and she poked me in one of the areas I am failing at. I tried to hold my perspective and her perspective in my head at the same time to be able to explain to her why what she did is a bad idea and how we can work around it but I sprung a leak and lost all ability to manage anything. I had a bottle of water in my hand and when I threw it, yelling “I can’t do this,” it hit the floor hard enough to bounce off the wall at shoulder height and land on the tv stand. I grabbed my things and left crying. I wrote her a reasonable email when I got to the car, apologizing for my outburst and why it showed up the way it did. Then I did the shopping I needed to do. When I got home, I curled up and didn’t want to connect to the internet and haven’t until now.

I did get a call from Jennifer and Ken on Wed, and a txt from Kevin checking in on me. I appreciate those. Poor Jennifer got the full load from the corn dream because her call woke me up from it.

Now I have kaiser classes for the rest of the day. Maybe an hours work if it shows up for tomorrow. I feel better but not like anything has been resolved. Just that I need to plan for me to be at my most flaky again.

4 thoughts on “Reality Sucks

  1. If it helps any, I noticed you weren’t at the haunted house, but did understand that it’s a very long drive from Berkeley. So for me at least, neither a flake, nor not missed.

    (I think I hung around C. too much… I seem to have absorbed some of her writing style.)

  2. I wish I could have that many epic dreams in such a short time! Do you remember them all?

    Ugh, sorry you’re having such a rough time lately! I wish there was something I could say that would make it better, but I don’t know anything.

    re: dreampt – Take out the p – “dreamt”. I looked it up in the dictionary because spell-checker still wouldn’t pass it, and it IS a word, so spell-checker is just stupid.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>