Monthly Archives: March 2008

Book covers

I read a lot of genre fiction, Sci-fi, fantasy, mystery, romance.

Typically I don’t have any qualms about people knowing what I am ready. I am proud to be holding a book by Lois McMaster Bujold in my hands on bart. I want people to see what it is I am reading. If they look down on it and consider me not worth talking to, those are the people I wouldn’t like anyway and I am pleased to have them run them off. If they are drawn to me because of the book, they are the type of people I want to talk to and we can geek out together.

I find this works until I get to the romances. Some of them with the “romance” covers (de-shirted men, women in some form of undress) are not things I want to be seen reading. I find I feel much more comfortable wrapping the book cover up in a sheet of white paper like I did with my text books in school to protect the book. I don’t care to be seen as a Bodice Ripper Only Reader.

I am fine as a Sci-fi Only Reader. Or Mystery, or Fantasy. Just not Romance. I am a little leary of Best Seller type books too. Guess this says a lot about my attitudes about types of books. I would rather be seen reading the obscure then the mainstream/popular.

New TV season

Well, I have managed to watch lots of television and still haven’t had to resort to any reality shows, none. Not even Project Runway. Woo Hoo! And no DVDs of shows or movies. I am using only my lovely TiVo.

I am currently addicted to NCIS and catching up on past seasons so that helps.

I finally caught up on New Amsterdam. I had TiVo’ed it but was leary of actually spending time watching the show because it has gotten poor reviews, from both a newspaper critic I like and friends. Damn, I love this show. It hits the right buttons and the complains I remember are taken care of as the show continues. I am savoring each episode with the assumption that they will be the only ones ever to exist.

I feel somewhat the same way about Moonlight except I can see where it is a poor quality show. It might even survive for a second season but I am not expecting it to.

It is so sad to see good quality shows on Fox get the axe and then have poor quality shows on the big networks survive. I don’t understand those network executives.
TV show listings. Hey, it could even be a meme

An earlier version of Late

I made it to work today by 9:30am. First time in like forever.

I was able to do this because I switched my start time to 9am and made 9:30 late and my therapist yelled at me (OK spoke very sternly which I call yelling). I appreciate her willingness to do that. I needed a parental figure to give me what for over this.

She said that making it to work on time was manditory, a point of survival. That it doesn’t mean I am better. Life is going to continue to be horrible but it is the same horrible as it would be half an hour to an hour later. This is not an accomplishment. It doesn’t mean I will be able to do anything more. It also won’t make anything worse.

These are all things I needed to hear from a source outside myself.

I have noticed that I am in an extremely pissy mood. I have little tollerance or patience with people today. I can still be my bright chipper self but if any small thing crosses me, I am very much Not Pleased. I suspect it is because I used up so many ergs of energy getting here only half an hour late that I don’t have any left over. Time will tell.

I don’t want to open my eyes.

I am having another day where I don’t want to live in this World. I really can’t stand Reality at this time. Even my nightmares are better than opening my eyes and seeing the world I have to live in.

And there isn’t anything I am attached to enough to make it worth the effort to change my Reality to match. It used to be if you don’t like your life change it. I haven’t liked my life for some time now but I don’t know what to change it into. And now I don’t have enough motivation or energy to do what I would need to to make any changes.

I feel like I am going down a hole. And part of me doesn’t care.

Loss of connection

I feel so disconnected. Almost like I am drowning and can’t breathe I feel like I want to flail around and grab onto something else to keep me afloat.

I spent a chunk of the day with a new acquaintance/friend showing him Colma and seeing Penelope. (I love that movie and wish that was the world I live in.) I was on my best behavior of interacting and drawing out the other person and introducing them to the world around them. I dropped him off after the movie and since he is near where I live, it was moments before I was parking outside my place. There was an old man leaning on a car waiting. I waved to him as I got out of my car and he waved back. I went to talk to him. He is 93 and lives in the house across the street from me. He was waiting for his ride to go see some dance company that has been around since the depression. He told me about making his way as a black man in the south and how he got to where he is now with a house he built in Berkeley and another house where his wife lives. We talked about the prices house are selling for today and what he does with his days. His ride showed up and I told him it was a pleasure meeting him and talking with him. It really was. I would love to talk to him more.

Lately I have been very interested in the different experiences between being black and being white and what the point of view of someone like me would be if it was from a different race. This man really reminded me of both of my grandfathers in how he approached life and he had to deal with core racism. They type of racism that was about blacks not being as good as whites, instead of what I think I see today where it is about assumptions based on privilege, background and culture. I felt I could relate his experiences to something I am familiar with and understood.

When I headed over to my apartment complex, a woman was trying to juggle the gate and her bicycle which is a real pain with our gate. I offered to hold it for her and she responded favorably enough I told her the history of the gate. It is really lightweight and an easy gate to handle. But some people would close it with a bang and a resident complained. So the landlord put a spring attachment on it. It closed softly and when you needed it help open you slide this little ring over. But some people wouldn’t move the ring back and would leave the gate propped wide open. Others would try to close it but didn’t know how so they would end up forcing it and breaking the spring attachment. It got replace and lather, rinse, repeat. So then the landlord got a security company in to give us an intercom/phone system that would allow visitors to contact the resident to be let in the gate and they also “fixed” a few of the security holes, including the lightweight spring attachment. Now we have this industrial spring that forces the gate closed. When you try to get through it when both hands are full, it is rather difficult. With a bike it is a real pain because it catches on pedals and such. The gate feels like a heavy iron gate when it is a really well balance, well hung light gate. The woman thanked me for my help and for the info.

Then I went into my apartment and closed the door and started struggling. I had no one to talk to. I had no one to connect to. I felt completely cut off from everything. I wanted something. To bury myself into TV or a book or numb myself with sugar. I couldn’t face trying to call someone and have them not be home or not be able to talk to me. I didn’t have the energy to form another connection, only enough to take advantage of one that would cross my path. And I couldn’t stand not having something.

It was an amazing feeling. Once I don’t think I have allowed myself to really feel and explore before. Yes I have changed verb tenses in this because now I am feeling a little better. I think that is because I am writing something that I intend on posting to the internet and in a way that is a form of connection. I found something that could help me float. Now the disconnect doesn’t feel as sharp and I can move onto something else without feeling so desperate. Oh, I hate that feeling of disconnect. It is probably why I avoid connecting if I can, so I don’t have to feel anything when it ends. As I work on myself and my innards, I am finding that connection is so very important to me. And I am terrified of it.

I am tired and it is only evening. This being aware of yourself is exhausting work and somewhat painful. I just was to fade away and lose myself for awhile.

Eddie Izzard

When it rains, it pours. Just got the process of a group going to see Yaz done and I come across wynkat1313′s post (looks like it was posted right after I left work) about Eddie Izzard coming to town July 17-19.

Considering I have a lot of Eddie Izzard fans on my FL, I am surprised that I haven’t seen the news over and over again.

I want to go. I plan to go. I am more than happy to join friends of mine how are going instead of setting up a group myself but I will do either. So, who’s going?

Looks like my summer plans are getting packed. July 7 – Yaz, July 17-ish – Eddie Izzard, Aug 7-17 Denver for Worldcon and packing. Can we stop with the July/Aug stuff now?

Yaz coming to town

Just got notified that Yaz is doing a reunition tour and hiting the Paramount in Oakland July 7th. Pre-sale tickets go on sale in Friday. I am seriously thinking of going.

Prices $40-$75 plus ticketmaster charges. I am thinking the cheap seats but might upgrade. Don’t know yet. Just found out about it so I am still pondering.

Anyone care to join me?

The Internet is Wrong and I must fix it

There are times when I will read something on the internet and it triggers a desire to respond. Usually it is to add some extra info or moderation. Then I get flamed. Or I feel like I have been flamed. And I want to take a stand and argue out the issue. And I know that it will just get worse. It is the Internet after all. Anyone that writes in a way that triggers my defenses is not going to enter into a rational discussion via text and clear up misunderstandings. This is assuming that the other person isn’t getting a jolt out of setting off a flame war and this is their version of entertainment.
click here for rant