Monthly Archives: October 2007


I have read a lot of posts about an earthquake last night. While I didn’t feel the quake itself, its effects were made known to me.

I got caught in the bart Powell station closing last night so I ended up at Civic Center and grabbing a bite at Burger King instead of standing with the mobs on the platforms hoping for a train. I rejoined the slightly lesser mob an half-hour later and waited for a train. They were single tracking because of the close down. 15 minutes for inward trains to go by, then we get two Dublin/Pleasanton trains, then more inward bound trains. Half an hour after the last outward bound train we get a Pittsburg/Bay Point which of course we fill.

As we go along, Lo, we stop at the Powel station. It has re-opened again. And the speaker comes on telling us we are being held in place due to an earthquake while they check equipment and tracks for damages. Grrr Arrrg.

I get of at 12th street to switch to a Richmond train. We have been told over and over that there is one right behind the train behind us. And have another 15 minute wait for it to show up. And right after I get on it, another one shows up on the other platform.

I did miss the event that closed down Powel only getting stuck in the mess afterwards. I do have to say bart employees were doing a good job moving people around and giving information. I was sort of surprised. And being me, I wanted to help. It was a huge job in Line Control.

I also missed what sounded like a cool earthquake. I haven’t been in California long enough to not enjoy the stupid things. That will probably happen when stuff of mine (or me) gets damaged. We will see.

I have stayed at work playing solitaire for longer than it took me to get home last night but spending that time stuck waiting for transit is much much more frustrating. All I wanted was to get home. Waaaaa.

Halloween in the office

I ended up going with the White Rabbit (because I am always late) from American McGee’s Alice game. People keep trying to tell me that it is a mix between the White Rabbit and the Mad Hatter. So I show them pictures.

I did get a picture but don’t know if/when I will get it posted.

At first I was disappointed in the costume turnout but slowly more costumes are showing up. A lot of them were put together last night or this morning. Guess mine was too, sort of.

Word of warning – Passive/Aggressive ahead.

I seem to have developed my own special version of passive/aggressive behavior. Mostly it is passive with inferred aggressive. Since this drives me nuts in others, it is driving me absolutely batty.

When I am On, I am really good and really with it and totally together. When I am Off, I don’t contact people, I don’t let anyone know what the status is, I don’t work on things, I basically drop the ball and keep quiet about it. And I can’t predict which way I will flip at any given time. I feel like I can do it all but then watch myself not do things that should be easy for me to follow through on.

I am not doing it on purpose. I am very aware of the consequences of these actions and at this time they just don’t matter. I have developed a version of the SEP field (Somebody Else’s Problem Field – HHGTTG) even when the problem is mine. I just don’t care and I can’t make me care. Or I should say I care but I can’t use that to change my behavior.

Since part of the behavior is not to care, then you would think I wouldn’t be worried about it. I am not. I don’t care. I am fine with it. But it affects my job and my ability to do it and that worries me. So I have this weird overlord that is creating a false panic because my normal panic button is broken. I am getting help for this but I don’t know when it will be cleared up. I think I have a handle on why it showed up and I won’t go into it here.

The new behavior showed up about a week before Silicon and has gotten stronger. I noticed it on the way to the con and that is where my last post about unraveling came from. It could go away at any time are stick around like a lingering cold. Since the last post about this, I have figured out that this is not a growth step but a coming apart from the growth step. The last time I did laundry was July 24th. I bough more clothes. I don’t have any clean silverware or dishes and can’t be bothered to buy paper and plastic yet. I sleep on a sheet thrown on a new mattress (a friend convinced me to buy it and another helped me do so and get it into my place) next to a pile of dirty sheets. The bed has books and my morning drink containers on it in places. Surrounding myself with books to read makes me feel better so I have spent more money on new books than I ever have at one time in the past.

The reason I am posting this is to let people that have gotten used to where they could count on me and where they couldn’t would be warned that all bets are off. I can’t even tell when I can be counted on and when I am a complete flake. Even in the middle of flaking, sometimes I think I will be able to pull it out at the last moment and then I don’t. It is a moment by moment thing. Pretty much the problem area is planning for the future. If I show up, then I am there and it is all good. I just can’t promise I will be able to show up.

Sadly, by telling this to people, there is a good chance my contact with them will decline. It is hard to work with someone that can’t be trusted to follow through on any promise. And since I am not doing so good on the contact others activity, that reduces contacts even more. This is not a good thing. It might be what my subconscious is creating because it is “safer” but that doesn’t mean it is healthy and help me get better.

Welcome to my head.

Vocab fun

Ganked from noah_brand…
Free Rice allows you to test your vocab skills and give away free rice.

For every right answer, 10 grains of rice are donated to combat world hunger.

I don’t do well with the language side of things but I was able to keep my vocab skill between 38-42. After about 30, I am guessing at about half of the ones I get right. Of the ones I know it is more because I have see the question word and the answer word in the same context, not that I know specifically what they each mean. But that still means that my vocab is doing pretty well considering how poor my English skills are (I am a pervy Math fancier after all).

What should I wear for Halloween?

Hera – gold togo, blue/purple skirt thing, gold sandals, peacock fan, maybe a mask. Like this ( but a maybe not on the mask

Banshee – lots and lots of torn sheets, wild hair, peeling face
(no online pictures, only in print at this point. Too long ago) maybe it is time to bring it current.

Southeast asia – Bali sarong, lace shirt, head piece, thai dancing fingers
Like this ( but not as fancy)

Goth – Some black gown like affair all gothed up, maybe Gaiman’s Death character in formalwear
Like the driver’s license picture (

Earth – the skirt, bodice and coverup, with flowers and butterflies in my hair
Like this ( or this ( without the hoop skirt

White flapper – White flapper dress and matching accessories
Like this ( without the wings.

Pinstripe Palmer – Gangster with white tommygun, violin case (if I pull the stuffing out), pinstripe fedora, pinstripe pants, pinstripe high heels. Although I did something like this last year so maybe not. But I haven’t had a chance to wear the shoes yet.

A proper rabbit – tail coat, vest, shirt, cravat, top hat with ears, pocket watch, nice pants.
Like this ( but I would get hot so it is less likely.

And there is the ubiquitous pirate of the the closet.
Like this in 2005 ( although it may be too early to repeat. It has only been two years.

Look back through my pictures – Damn I was thin in 2004 and 2005. Towards the end there it didn’t look all that good. I am glad I have a little more thickness now. I am missing some of the clothes I used to be able to wear. I wish I could get them in big.

I am open to other ideas but it has to come out of my closet. I am not up to making anything for this. Sadly, I finally have a job that encourages costumes for Halloween and I am all tuckered out and not feeling the costume love. Good thing I have laurels I can rest on.

Not broken …but maybe unravelling

Brezsny Scorpio Horoscope:
Eskimos of Siberia are perplexed by the changes in their climate, wrote Usha Lee McFarling in the Seattle Times. Thunder and lightning used to be exceptional events, but now they make regular appearances. Bizarre, balmy winds breeze in out of the south. Elders who were once skilled in the art of reading the sky to foretell the weather are at a loss. “The Earth is turning faster,” said one hunter. I suspect, Scorpio, that you’re having a comparable crisis of faith on the personal level. For you, the Earth may not only seem to be rotating at a speedier clip, but also at a different angle. One of these mornings, you may even see the sun rise in the west. But your situation isn’t necessarily as disturbing as the Eskimos believe theirs to be. For all you know, the signs are portents of rebirth.

This is actually a good opening to a post I have been pondering since the weekend.

I have been doing a lot of internal work on myself. From the inside it is a little hard to tell how well I am doing since the things that are measured against are also the things that are changing. I have been told by people I trust that I have really grown and am doing much better. I am able to do things and handle things I couldn’t not have a few years ago.

I feel like for the last few years I have been a rubik’s cube, rotating sides and switching parts to get something healthy lined up. There will be times when it will look like a complete mess but it is the path to having everything where it is optimal.

The last week or so I fill like a rubik’s cube taken from three dimensions to N dimensions. I have pieces that seem to have no relation to other pieces and are going in ways that don’t make sense. In the past, during a bad depression, I felt broken. Things I could depend on myself for stopped working. I am still paying the price for that.

I don’t feel broken but I do feel like maybe I am unraveling. I don’t follow up on things that are important to me. I will feel like I can do something, I promise it and then I do nothing about it and I am full aware of my avoidance. I am not doing basic maintenance things for myself.

I don’t know which things will fall into the discard pile and which will be things I can actually show up for. I feel like I am watching myself screw up and I know I can do better but I am not doing better and I don’t seem to be able to make myself do better. There is no Do and there is no Try. Sorry Yoda there either Is or not Is and I don’t know what it will be until after the fact.

The upshot of this is when I am there, I am really there and can be really good. But if I am not there, I am not even sure it is possible to find me so I can show up.

I think I am missing a holding environment and the part of me that is responsible for holding myself is going on strike once in awhile letting everything fall apart. This doesn’t feel like normal depression. I can be very happy and giggle and delight in people and my surroundings, I can be very down and like everything is pointless and can I get off the world Now? It sort of feels like I have been putting together a puzzle and all the pieces have been thrown into the air and changed shapes into something I have never seen.

I figure this is a result of the work I have been doing and the path I am on. It is a massive pain in the butt. I don’t know how long it will last. It is one of those blasted Transition Periods. But when the transition lasts for a long time, when does it stop being a transition between two states and become a new baseline?

In the meantime, be careful with any promises I make. I think it is important to keep them and to let people know what is up when I won’t be able to but I am not so sure I trust myself to be able to let people know. I think I will if asked but consider this the warning broadcast. On the flip side, if people don’t ask me for thing based on this, I am going to slip even farther into my anti-social hole. I love providing things for people. It gives me a purpose.

Why I bounce

I just had a clear example of one reason for why I bounce. I bounce so I can’t tell how much I hate how I am feeling in the moment. As long as I keep moving, I can’t tell it hurts. I need to bounce and play. That is the only way to survive.

This isn’t the only reason I bounce but it is a very evident reason for some of my bounces. I think this relates to anxiety and a way to process it or contain it so it doesn’t overwhelm me. My choice is to totally pull back and withdrawal or push forward and bounce. I prefer to bounce. That is my knee jerk reaction. More long term solutions can be withdrawal (I have a bit of that going on for the last few months) but the first instinct is to bounce.

I love my ability to bounce but I have to watch out for it. It can put me in positions that cost me. I fell safer but I end up paying a pretty price for it. But damn, I hate slowing down. I hate how I feel. It is like my insides are going to bounce no matter what and they set up a mosh pit inside my skin. Not a good feeling.

I am loosing the ability to handle these things smoothly as I let go of old ways of dealing with things. When this sort of stuff shows up, it is much bigger than before because I am not bleeding it off daily or wrapping it up so tight all the time that it can barely move when it finally gets a chance. Now it can run relatively freely and I can stare in shock and amazement at this thing going on inside and watch as old habits try to kick in.

Just a note for readers: I have no idea how this might read to anyone else. I am not paying attention what it might possibly match up to for my FL, I am totally just letting it flow. Be assured that it has nothing to do with anyone reading this or anyone related to anyone that reads this. It is not about you. :)

Mind type

Seen on gaaneden LJ and interested me enough to play through:
Mind Prober Brain Test

Your Brain Usage Profile:

Auditory : 41%
Visual : 58%
Left : 38%
Right : 61%


You possess an interesting balance of hemispheric and sensory characteristics, with a slight right-brain dominance and a slight preference for visual processing.

Since neither of these is completely centered, you lack the indecision and second-guessing associated with other patterns. You have a distinct preference for creativity and intuition with seemingly sufficient verbal skills to be able to translate in any meaningful way to yourself and others.

You tend to see things in “wholes” without surrendering the ability to attend to details. You can give them sufficient notice to be able to utitlize and incorporate them as part of an overall pattern.

In the same way, while you are active and process information simultaneously, you demonstrate a capacity for sequencing as well as reflection which allows for some “inner dialogue.”

All in all, you are likely to be quite content with yourself and your style although at times it will not necessarily be appreciated by others. You have sufficient confidence to not second-guess yourself, but rather to use your critical faculties in a way that enhances, rather than limits, your creativity.

You can learn in either mode although far more efficiently within the visual mode. It is likely that in listening to conversations or lecture materials you simultaneously translate into pictures which enhance and elaborate on the meaning.

It is most likely that you will gravitate towards those endeavors which are predominantly visual but include some logic or structuring. You may either work particularly hard at cultivating your auditory skills or risk “missing out” on being able to efficiently process what you learn. Your own intuitive skills will at times interfere with your capacity to listen to others, which is something else you may need to take into account.

I am a surprised by the weight on the Right side. I would have said I was more Left heavy but about that close to middle. And where is my other 1%? :)
I know I am very visually oriented and a tad surprised by the high number in auditory. I think the summary fits me rather well.