Brezsny Scorpio Horoscope:
Eskimos of Siberia are perplexed by the changes in their climate, wrote Usha Lee McFarling in the Seattle Times. Thunder and lightning used to be exceptional events, but now they make regular appearances. Bizarre, balmy winds breeze in out of the south. Elders who were once skilled in the art of reading the sky to foretell the weather are at a loss. “The Earth is turning faster,” said one hunter. I suspect, Scorpio, that you’re having a comparable crisis of faith on the personal level. For you, the Earth may not only seem to be rotating at a speedier clip, but also at a different angle. One of these mornings, you may even see the sun rise in the west. But your situation isn’t necessarily as disturbing as the Eskimos believe theirs to be. For all you know, the signs are portents of rebirth.
This is actually a good opening to a post I have been pondering since the weekend.
I have been doing a lot of internal work on myself. From the inside it is a little hard to tell how well I am doing since the things that are measured against are also the things that are changing. I have been told by people I trust that I have really grown and am doing much better. I am able to do things and handle things I couldn’t not have a few years ago.
I feel like for the last few years I have been a rubik’s cube, rotating sides and switching parts to get something healthy lined up. There will be times when it will look like a complete mess but it is the path to having everything where it is optimal.
The last week or so I fill like a rubik’s cube taken from three dimensions to N dimensions. I have pieces that seem to have no relation to other pieces and are going in ways that don’t make sense. In the past, during a bad depression, I felt broken. Things I could depend on myself for stopped working. I am still paying the price for that.
I don’t feel broken but I do feel like maybe I am unraveling. I don’t follow up on things that are important to me. I will feel like I can do something, I promise it and then I do nothing about it and I am full aware of my avoidance. I am not doing basic maintenance things for myself.
I don’t know which things will fall into the discard pile and which will be things I can actually show up for. I feel like I am watching myself screw up and I know I can do better but I am not doing better and I don’t seem to be able to make myself do better. There is no Do and there is no Try. Sorry Yoda there either Is or not Is and I don’t know what it will be until after the fact.
The upshot of this is when I am there, I am really there and can be really good. But if I am not there, I am not even sure it is possible to find me so I can show up.
I think I am missing a holding environment and the part of me that is responsible for holding myself is going on strike once in awhile letting everything fall apart. This doesn’t feel like normal depression. I can be very happy and giggle and delight in people and my surroundings, I can be very down and like everything is pointless and can I get off the world Now? It sort of feels like I have been putting together a puzzle and all the pieces have been thrown into the air and changed shapes into something I have never seen.
I figure this is a result of the work I have been doing and the path I am on. It is a massive pain in the butt. I don’t know how long it will last. It is one of those blasted Transition Periods. But when the transition lasts for a long time, when does it stop being a transition between two states and become a new baseline?
In the meantime, be careful with any promises I make. I think it is important to keep them and to let people know what is up when I won’t be able to but I am not so sure I trust myself to be able to let people know. I think I will if asked but consider this the warning broadcast. On the flip side, if people don’t ask me for thing based on this, I am going to slip even farther into my anti-social hole. I love providing things for people. It gives me a purpose.