I just had a clear example of one reason for why I bounce. I bounce so I can’t tell how much I hate how I am feeling in the moment. As long as I keep moving, I can’t tell it hurts. I need to bounce and play. That is the only way to survive.

This isn’t the only reason I bounce but it is a very evident reason for some of my bounces. I think this relates to anxiety and a way to process it or contain it so it doesn’t overwhelm me. My choice is to totally pull back and withdrawal or push forward and bounce. I prefer to bounce. That is my knee jerk reaction. More long term solutions can be withdrawal (I have a bit of that going on for the last few months) but the first instinct is to bounce.

I love my ability to bounce but I have to watch out for it. It can put me in positions that cost me. I fell safer but I end up paying a pretty price for it. But damn, I hate slowing down. I hate how I feel. It is like my insides are going to bounce no matter what and they set up a mosh pit inside my skin. Not a good feeling.

I am loosing the ability to handle these things smoothly as I let go of old ways of dealing with things. When this sort of stuff shows up, it is much bigger than before because I am not bleeding it off daily or wrapping it up so tight all the time that it can barely move when it finally gets a chance. Now it can run relatively freely and I can stare in shock and amazement at this thing going on inside and watch as old habits try to kick in.

Just a note for readers: I have no idea how this might read to anyone else. I am not paying attention what it might possibly match up to for my FL, I am totally just letting it flow. Be assured that it has nothing to do with anyone reading this or anyone related to anyone that reads this. It is not about you.