When I got the results of my brain scan, besides Mood Disorder (which is were the depression fits in) I also got Anxiety disorder and ADD. Given my issues with Anxiety (first not thinking I had it when it is common for my enneagram type, finding it, refusing to let it live inside of me, removing it, having stuff crop up all over, blaming it on not treating my anxiety correctly, seeing it all over now) I figured my lack of progress of getting better is because we have been working on the depression instead of anxiety. My idea was I was using my well trained depression actions to avoid my new anxiety issues.

Well, now that I have done more research on the ADD side of the question, it looks like all my depression stuff is really Lymbic ADD (there are six kinds according to Dr Amen, I don’t know if the rest of the Brain people say so too or not). It shares a lot of symptoms of mild depression. It really does look like my current problem is ADD and not depression which would explain why what used to work for my depression isn’t working.

It feels like I am doing the diagnosis of the month thing but hey, it works for House, why not me? I just don’t have to get to the point of dying to get to the right answer.

I realized that I have actually heard from both of my parents now (I think within the last year if not the last 6 months) that they are glad I decided not to have kids. I can’t remember what my father’s thing was. My mother is grateful that our family shit is not getting passed down through me. In some ways she wish it wasn’t being passed down through my brother either. She would prefer it stop with us.

Not that it is any great horror, just she is seeped in the crap right now and sees the good about the crap not continuing. I think I am learning where I get my overly large reactions from.

Thinking about posting this, I realize most older adults who are single and childless have to deal with their parents asking them when are they going to get grandchildren. My family is unique enough and wired backwards enough to thank me for not creating more grandchildren. ::sigh::

Where in the Hell Did my family get this ability for DRAMA????

Yeah, we are pretty dysfunctional but not much more than most every other family and we are not nearly bad enough to be used as an example of bad. So many families are worse.

But this drama thing is wearing me out. Again with the coordination of Mother, Brother and SIL. (Yndy, I am thinking my family drama is about the same level as yours, different reasons, different players but similar levels.)

And I think I don’t actually have any horse in this race. And I am the hub for each of the players. But then again that might be why I can be the hub. I don’t have any agenda but my normal one. Stir things up until we get an homogeneous mix and everyone understands everyone else and everyone is on the same page. And I might be the one with the best skills to work on this shit. I might be a fully experienced therapist before this is all over. Bwaaahaaahaaaaa.

Guess my work on myself is doing some good for others. And if nothing else, it is covering the fact that I am still not doing well with my own crap.

Onward Ho!!!

I have always avoided my family if I could. I prefer to deal with each one of the separately. In mass, it just wasn’t ever workable. I didn’t have any hard reason, no facts to point to, that is just how I wanted it.

I have loads and loads of reasons why I should avoid my family now and not have anything to do with any of them when there is more than one. I have enough to justify every moment of past avoidance.

But I am to the point where I won’t let go. I have allowed myself to become attached and while I don’t like it and feel pulled through the ringer, I feel this is a good thing. Some of my problems are that I don’t have practice in how to deal with all this. Too many years of not being emotionally invested in my family members. I am aware that they are important to me but I don’t actually feel they are important to me, if that makes sense. I don’t feel the love and care and concern that I know I am acting on. I also don’t feel the dislike, aversion, threat that they used to be to me.

In a way, they are a chore. The type that I don’t question if I want to do it or not, I just do it and move on. I am sure this is all part of my work. Just keep Swimming, just keep Swimming.

I currently have Mother, Brother, and Sister-in-law emailing me for advice on how to deal with the others. In a way it is sort of funny. I have to keep each of their personalities and selves clearly in my head when I am responding to them so I actually say things in the way that one hears them and is honest about the others. If they would all just do what I told them they should do before I fricking left, then most of this shit would already be done with. Arggggg.

I just remembered my dad told me that I could call him when it got tough/aggravating if I wanted to vent. Sometimes he is a smart man. And sometimes he is stupid. I don’t think he realizes that he has an equal share of issue between him and my brother and is just as much a pain in the butt as well. I don’t think I need to add my dad to the mix of family I have going on right now. Thank god I am still distant from my Uncle, Aunt and cousins.

Why is it that when I finally get around to doing something I should do in life it has to be a tidal wave of stuff? I used to completely believe that I created the wave. That when I stuck my head out, I am so good at gathering things/events/people that I overwhelmed myself. This time I feel like I am the only one with her feet on the ground and am providing anchors for these other loopy family members. Maybe I have just leveled again. I want my +2 healing potions and sacks of gold and +5 sword of cutting through bullshit already. Leveling sucks. By the time you have everything in hand and have plenty of resources, you jump up a level and end up facing bigger issues without the abundance of resources to deal with them.

Well I guess the Universe had enough of me self sabotaging and decided to give me something else to chew on. Sure would be nice if I could leave the house. I don’t know when I have done that this week. Maybe Wed? Oh yeah, Thursday. Wed, the beginning of Thur, Fri and Sat were all focused on getting to a book store and getting my hair cut. So it seems overly long that I have been glued to the computer and feeling overwhelmed.

I had decided that the shoulder I had to lean on was not worth the fighting (not quite the right word because there is not anger, just the struggle of not being able to communicate what you need and working against what the other one is sure is right for you) to use it and I was going to let it go. Right now I could really use it.

Tomorrow I see friends from the South (So Cal). That will be a nice refreshing break in my current drama.

When I am the taking the reasonable role in a relationship drama, I can feel a difference inside of me. It is like I am swallowing part of my ego. It is almost like I am addicted to it right now, I can’t help myself, I want to be the one that brings the middle ground to the argument and bring everyone back to the center and workable. I want to see everyone’s side and mix up the info so everyone is working from the same pages.

But I feel I have indigestion from all the stuff of my own I am swallowing. On one hand I feel good and I like the results. On the other hand I feel so tired and weary and sick of it all. But I dive in and dig more of it up.

I have an offer of a shoulder to lean on and I so want it. I want it badly. But the one offering, while I care for him, just doesn’t grok me and I end up fighting what he thinks I need to get what I really need. It turns into another case of needing to be reasonable and because of our very different ways of viewing things the translation programs are not worked out and I get so frustrated. I end up allowing myself to be open enough and vulnerable enough to want/need a shoulder to lean on, fighting for who I am and what I am and so very frustrated at the hole process and feeling the need to lock myself inside myself again.

I am so very tired. It is easy to do things with a clear path. In some ways taking care of others is easier because then I am not involved and I can do it all outside of me. Or there is the option of excluding others and being focuses completely on me. Trying to be rational and juggling those leads to trouble as well.

Tired, just tired. In the past I would crawl into a hole and hide but I find that doesn’t suit me nowdays. I want the connection too much to close myself off to take care of myself. Guess I am learning to do things in a new way and this is the growth process. Part of me wants to say it sucks, another part of me wants the results it is producing badly.

I could use a pat on the head and a “there there”

Sometimes when you finally give up on something and turn away, you will find it in front of you and you can have it. But if you give up too early, then when you walk away, you leave it behind and you don’t get it. The trick is to figure out where that turning point is, if that is even possible.

x-posted to facebook

I feel like I screwed up. I feel bad. I want to try to fix it and it is now out of my hands. The thing that worries me the most is that I find I have a hard time talking about it.

this is where I blather on with an edit review

Looks like a different brain is available to me today. There shouldn’t have been anything wrong with my brain last night but running things through what I have in my head this morning shows different paths that are a lot smoother and take care of a number of problems. I don’t feel any different happiness-wise but things are processing better. My tetris blocks can actually fit whereas yesterday it looked like they were going to pile up with lots of holes.

There is an email from my mom waiting for me in my inbox and I don’t want to open it. I wanted to touch base with her last night because things felt so unsettled. They still feel that way but I am worried that she will accidently hit a bad button again and blow a hole in my attitude for today returning me to that messed up tetris game.

It is interesting to watch how my head is working, how I feel about things, and the different results. I feel the same but my head is coming up with very different results. Don’t have a theory on why yet. It might be the same thing I always do but haven’t watched it as closely as this time. Or I might be blazing a new path to deal with the stuff I have been changing.

Weeeeeeeeeeeee.

It sure doesn’t take much to pop my happy bubble. Just something not going quite right has a larger than appropriate effect on my ability to enjoy things.

On the good side, there are happy bubbles. Those were really rare.

My activities and a window into my mind

I have been making things. I haven’t really finished anything yet but there is hope.

For Clockwork in Dec, I made a pair of long spats to cover my sneakers. They were Velcro-ed together and the plan was to put buttons on the outside. The velcro was attached with hot glue which doesn’t work real well on things that flex in cold weather. Now I need to figure out which closure method I want to use and implement it.

I have a vest I am turning into a waist cinch with suspenders. It is something I saw in the garment district and suspect will show up a lot in the next year. This one is a proof of concept before I do it to a really nice/cool vest. It just needs to be tried on to see if the cut is right and then stitched up, probably with bias tape (which I have found some that will work).

I have stitched up a split seam in a corset/bodice I wore to the PEERS Courtesan Ball many many years ago. Now I need to put something over the stitches so they look nice. I couldn’t find my black bias tape but I found wide black satin ribbon and hey, it works. It is pinned and ready for a sewing machine.

I have been going nuts over a pin I am putting together. I bought the basic part at the WESale. I hit the bead store on Friday but only got chain. I can’t find the charms I want. I plan to go to General Bead on Wed to at least get a tea cup before they go away (they are being discontinued). I have painted the gold pin silver, used India Ink to darken the cracks and lacquered the hell out of it. My thanks to the O’Hare household for providing me with the little supplies I needed and the expertise on what the bleep I am doing. I have ideas but not always the best way of accomplishing them. There is still more work to be done on the pin but it seems to have the dedication allotted to it for it to get a lot farther. Not sure why but I am willing to go with it.

I bought a bicycle to test to see if I will actually get around to riding. It needs a name. I had planned on painting it silver and distressing it so as to make it look a little steampunk and make it look like something people wouldn’t want. I am now thinking I might go with hammered black and make it look more like wrought iron.

So many people are doing the brass and brown leather for Steampunk, I have to be a little different. I am focusing on black and silver as a combo. The brown and cream and gold/brass do call me but there are some neat things that can be done with black/silver/pewter. My first thought is silver to replace brass but I am thinking maybe my thing will be black iron with silver accents (bolts and screws and such). I did buy a very expensive iron fence like four poster bed frame three years ago. It would just be an extension of that.

I have been surfing the web and keep getting caught on Instructables. There was one on night lites for bikes. One included a mod for lights from a dollar store. I bought the lights and that is the next project.

I saw a picture of someone doing a crop straight jacket and I want one. There is an Instructable from Threadbangers that shows how to make one. I think it would look neat with a red and white striped corset. I saw just what I would need at the Depot for creative reuse. I would need leather cutters, buckles and snaps for the leather. This one is more nuts because there is a lot more work involved in making this a reality. The corset would be good for pirate wear though…

I have a dress that needs to have the arm holes made larger. They are marked and need to be cut and then sewn.

I saw a Instructable (by threadbangers, love these guys) on making a picnic blanket out of 8 old t-shirts that has straps so it can be worn as a backpack. I am thinking of making this when I go visit by brother and get my niece involved (and nephew if he is interested).

I have the pieces to make a recharging station for my electronics. I just need to work out what goes where, measure, cut and assemble.

I have some shelves I want to put up on the wall but I want them painted first. I have the white and black paint to do it. I just need to paint them on a not windy or rainy day so they can dry outside and then hang them on the wall.

I need to fix the hanger on one of the sides of my cast (from when I broke my foot). One side came off so it can’t hang on the wall with the bent motorcycle handle bars anymore.

Sure would be nice if I ever got around to testing my old tv vs the new tv to see which one I want to keep. I am hoping to take the left over one to the electronic recyclers maybe Thursday. I need to pick up a new to me printer and get that off Sparrow’s hands.

I need to test LEDs to see how many I want in each light I plan to mount in my car. This project has stalled out at this point. I am not as excited about it as I am the costume bits. Other than that, the plans have been worked out for what to do with them.

I need to work on my portfolio website and get that to where I am not embarrassed by it. I sure could use help in brainstorming on what to do with it. I lack the focus to move forward on that right now.

I have a book with questions about how to get out of your own way that I want to work on. More introspection sort of stuff that I don’t do well by myself.

Oh, I also want to put together a puzzle that I got for my niece before I go so I know how many pieces are missing. I have a feeling that may not happen. Or it might be the first thing that actually gets finished.

I think that is it for the live projects I have on my plate. When I have this many things at work, I start to go buggy. I am doing fine right now. My weakness is finishing things. I get bored before the end and want to start something new. I can see the new things here that are keeping me entertained as the older things get dull. It will be interesting to see how each of the things on the list go.

Damn, this is a pretty long list. Although this is how I used to work all the time.