I feel like I screwed up. I feel bad. I want to try to fix it and it is now out of my hands. The thing that worries me the most is that I find I have a hard time talking about it.

I know I need support and validation for my feelings and some ‘there there’. I did what I did out of love and care and a feeling of a need to take very unpopular actions and there is a good chance the end result will be something needed. But I feel horrible about how I made some people feel and that I may not have needed to go about it the way I did to get to the same place. And since I am leaving and am not the only one involved in getting things settled, I feel trapped and worried that I am running away from a responsibility. I also don’t think I can take anymore of what is going on. I have been very present and open and caring and connected and I think anything more will overwhelm me.

My emergency methods have not kicked in and I am appreciating that. I am living with the discomfort of sick and horrible for the feelings I have caused others instead of blowing them off and running. I think I did a damn good job of owning up to my actions and listening and connecting. I am proud of my progress to be able to do that. The results of this good work I did is the feeling if having my innards being all twisted up which I have had since yesterday morning. When you do good and have made progress, it is suppose to feel good to support the movement, not bad which tends to tell you not to do that again. This working on yourself sucks but it is still something I find extremely important and need to keep doing for some reason.

I feel if I was smart I would shut all this stuff down and run away and go back to the way it was. Almost every single problem I am having would go away as well. But…. I would still have all the problems I have had so far in my life. This process is meant to change those problems into something workable and to get something I have denied myself that I believe I desparately need. So I keep going. It isn’t something that registers on the thought level. I don’t know where it comes from but I agree that it is a good thing it is there.

I did learn something else this weekend. I don’t know as much as I think I know. Theory works great in theory and everything makes sense and it is cut and dried. But Reality messes things up and smears things outside the lines. I wish I could remove myself and look at things objectively. Everything would be laid out and the action to take would be simple. All the factors that compose Reality makes things fuzzy and so quickly, there are too many variables and the system because as complex as predicting the weather. Welcome to Chaos Theory.

I think I have been spending too much time alone. I need more exposure to other people to be reminded of how things are different from the way they are in my head. I am functioning so much like a 5.

This not being able to talk about it means I am keeping all of it inside me and beating myself up over and over about it. It is so strange to look at my list of contacts and know that even if I were to call them things would get caught in my throat. I would just stumble over the starting words and wouldn’t be able to go past them. This is not something I am used to and don’t know what is involved in it and if it is a good thing or something I need to find a way to work with/around. I think it includes something about boundaries, lots and lots of details, and changing emotions mixed in. It feels like a adobe wall (not quite like brick, that feels to hard and rough, but something like adobe which is just as solid but more organic. I have no idea where this stuff comes from, I just make note of it and report it.).

I have cried a little and I feel like I could use more of a cry but I also feel tired and like I have worn myself out crying.

(to fill in since I feel it is unfair to say “I have Blah which is a big deal and I am not going to tell you anything”, the issue revolves around the family dog, my brother, my sister-in-law, the kidlets, my mother and how much I care about each of them, more so the ones that have the least involvement/power. I figure that is enough details to get an idea where all this lies and a relative size without needing to go into the entire mess/thing.)

I do want help and advice, I just don’t know what to ask for or what would work. And dealing with the wrong type of help/advice is more than I can handle right now. I did get a chance to talk to one of my therapists and after wading through a lot of the standards of the type of things people would think I need (I already have all that taken care of), we did figure out that what she could do was witness how I am feeling and promise she will bring it up again. That allowed me to let it go somewhat without fear that I would make it disappear. Losing this is a bad thing in my book right now so I kept pulling it out, checking it and setting it down. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Again, I don’t know where this comes from or how it fits into my theory of everything.

This is me and where I am now. I really enjoyed most of my time out here and feel I am the one caused the part that is making me feel bad. Not that I am solely responsible for the situation but that it did result from choices I made and there is no one else to blame for the what I have to deal with. I only half regret my choices. I think they were good decisions for the information I had at the time and I am very sorry for how much more deeply they affected the relevant people. It is the latter that is making me feel sick and that won’t clear up until things get resolved one way or the other on Wed. I am trying to learn how to deal with what I am feeling so that it isn’t my whole life (like it feels now) until then. Distractions and being in different situations will help but that also feels like a betrayal and dropping responsibility.

Weeeeee. Isn’t this fun? ::sigh::

[note: I am impressed by how few mispelled words I found. Thanks spellcheck. No idea about the grammar and syntax.]

Looks like the plane is bording so off I go.