(this is mostly about work)
It is hard enough to admit to yourself that you need help.
It is hard enough to be willing to ask others for help.
But when you do ask others and you get "I’m busy," "I’m not going that way," or they just aren’t there, I revert back to "Screw you all, I will take care of myself and deal with the consequences. If that means I am cranky for the rest of the day then so be it. If that means I can only work every other day, then so be it. If that means it takes 3 months for my foot to heal instead of 1, then so be it. If it means I only bath every couple of weeks, so be it.
I can ask about three times before I blow a gasket. That happened today.
I don’t think it is a fault of mine but I can’t ask for help if the one I am asking whines about it, is reluctant, doesn’t wanna but will *sigh*.
Right after I let people know I broke my foot, I got lots of "let me know if you need anything," "be sure to ask for help," etc. Now that it is over a week into it, I am being treated like I am just fine.
The boss is very supportive but she isn’t here often and is usually swamped. Another Principle is very enthusiastic and a delight but I couldn’t get ahold of her. Others, not so much. I got put off unto 2pm day before yesterday to be told, nope sorry can’t do it, I have too much to do. Today everyone that I am sort of friends with are going to Burrito Friday and "that is in the opposite direction" so it ended up boiling down to "if I have to *sigh*". Wed my coworker walked out at 12:30pm. Just said he was going home, no word as to why. This left me alone in the office and I don’t leave my chair all day if I can avoid it. Turns out that he didn’t have anything to do and decided that the company wouldn’t want to pay him to sit around and do nothing so he just left. Didn’t ask, didn’t discuss, didn’t ask if there was something that needed to be done. I was fully loaded on work and while there was nothing else on tap, something could have come in and I would be up shit creek without a paddle.
I have a brain, I can drive, I just can’t walk much. I am used to wandering the office touching base with people. I would do that for lunch today if it wasn’t hobble, gimp, slide, uff.
At home it is much better. Right after the break friends helped me out a lot. I couldn’t have made it work without their help. For the wedding I went to, I had a nursemaid until I finally got the hint that I needed to figure out how to let her go. Right now I have a friend that is staying with me for a couple of days and helping me with shopping, vacuuming, cooking and even showering. These ar services offered, not really asked for.
So the question is how to ask for help when it feels like the offer is either not really serious (all though I am sure the person meant it as serious when they offered it, but it wore off) or is only good for when the incident is fresh in people’s minds. The more I look like I am getting better, the less people are willing to put themselves out for me even though I could still use help.
This has been an adventure and there have been bright spots in the road but right now it REALLY SUCKS!
(note: just talked with boss and I will have a pitcher of water on my desk for the days I come into work and someone is compiling a list of places that have free delivery. This helps a lot but I don’t know how I can not continue to be mad at people because of this. I know that my higher self would be able to rise above this and let it go but right now It Is All About Me and I just don’t have the ability to do what I know would be best for me. I am in survival mode. The kicker is that I don’t feel like I should be. My foot mostly feels fine but in my head I know that a lot of resources are devoted to healing the foot and I can’t tell there are on tap anymore. My friend had to keep reminding me of this last night. Bless him.)