Ok It is time for me to request assistance (AKA Help).

I need to go grocery shopping and laundry. What assistance I need is basically haul and carry. I can’t dangle it   from my fingers and carry it with one hand, it is sort of out of my capability right now.

Also reminding me that I don’t have any researves is useful and assisting in getting me ADA help. A friend helped me shop by telling me not to move once we got in the store and finding a clerk to get me an electric cart for shopping. I felt like I could do it on my own but after a few minutes rolling around, I realized I would have worn myself out just getting to the first item.

Ren_wench helped me cook a variety of foods last night and I wore out just giving her instructions and cutting onions and meat. I am guessing that even after I get my cast off, I am still going to be a wimp and fold easily. This healing stuff is wearing even if I don’t feel weak.

I am flexable with time today (working from home) and have both Sat and Sun free. Anyone willing to offer help?
My home phone is five.ten.six.four.nine.seven.nine.three.nine.

It takes me about twice as long to recover from general anesthesia and surgery. It seems that it takes at least that if not longer to recover from shock as well. The pain in the foot has finally kicked in. It makes me miss the swelling of the foot.

So two and a half weeks after they give me the drugs, I finally have a reason to use them. The pain was just a little when I was lying in bed this morning. The ankle ached and stung. Guess that means it is healing. It is finally better enough for me to allow myself to feel the pain. Weeeee

My attitude is still better than it was before the accident and I am still grateful for many many things. All in all, I am still happy with the situation. Which means this is another case where I am wired backwards, isn’t it?

(this is mostly about work)

It is hard enough to admit to yourself that you need help.
It is hard enough to be willing to ask others for help.
But when you do ask others and you get "I’m busy," "I’m not going that way," or they just aren’t there, I revert back to "Screw you all, I will take care of myself and deal with the consequences. If that means I am cranky for the rest of the day then so be it. If that means I can only work every other day, then so be it. If that means it takes 3 months for my foot to heal instead of 1, then so be it. If it means I only bath every couple of weeks, so be it.

I can ask about three times before I blow a gasket. That happened today.

I don’t think it is a fault of mine but I can’t ask for help if the one I am asking whines about it, is reluctant, doesn’t wanna but will *sigh*.

Right after I let people know I broke my foot, I got lots of "let me know if you need anything," "be sure to ask for help," etc. Now that it is over a week into it, I am being treated like I am just fine.

The boss is very supportive but she isn’t here often and is usually swamped. Another Principle is very enthusiastic and a delight but I couldn’t get ahold of her. Others, not so much. I got put off unto 2pm day before yesterday to be told, nope sorry can’t do it, I have too much to do. Today everyone that I am sort of friends with are going to Burrito Friday and "that is in the opposite direction" so it ended up boiling down to "if I have to *sigh*". Wed my coworker walked out at 12:30pm. Just said he was going home, no word as to why. This left me alone in the office and I don’t leave my chair all day if I can avoid it. Turns out that he didn’t have anything to do and decided that the company wouldn’t want to pay him to sit around and do nothing so he just left. Didn’t ask, didn’t discuss, didn’t ask if there was something that needed to be done. I was fully loaded on work and while there was nothing else on tap, something could have come in and I would be up shit creek without a paddle.

I have a brain, I can drive, I just can’t walk much. I am used to wandering the office touching base with people. I would do that for lunch today if it wasn’t hobble, gimp, slide, uff.

At home it is much better. Right after the break friends helped me out a lot. I couldn’t have made it work without their help. For the wedding I went to, I had a nursemaid until I finally got the hint that I needed to figure out how to let her go. Right now I have a friend that is staying with me for a couple of days and helping me with shopping, vacuuming, cooking and even showering. These ar services offered, not really asked for.

So the question is how to ask for help when it feels like the offer is either not really serious (all though I am sure the person meant it as serious when they offered it, but it wore off) or is only good for when the incident is fresh in people’s minds. The more I look like I am getting better, the less people are willing to put themselves out for me even though I could still use help.

This has been an adventure and there have been bright spots in the road but right now it REALLY SUCKS!

(note: just talked with boss and I will have a pitcher of water on my desk for the days I come into work and someone is compiling a list of places that have free delivery. This helps a lot but I don’t know how I can not continue to be mad at people because of this. I know that my higher self would be able to rise above this and let it go but right now It Is All About Me and I just don’t have the ability to do what I know would be best for me. I am in survival mode. The kicker is that I don’t feel like I should be. My foot mostly feels fine but in my head I know that a lot of resources are devoted to healing the foot and I can’t tell there are on tap anymore. My friend had to keep reminding me of this last night. Bless him.)

I have gotten to the point I can stand and even take a few steps without the crutches. Of course I am not suppose to do this and the skin feels slightly chaffed inside the cast but I feel better that I can. I confirmed with the dr that my cast is weight bearing with crutches and the swelling up and down will go on for 6+ months. Sadly I am still losing the zombie look to my toes. I will miss them.

I have worked out a new deal with work. I keep being totally wiped out after getting into work the day prior. So I will work in the office Mon, Wed, and Fri and from home Tue and Thurs. I am getting a company laptop for the time being. And work will be paying for parking for Mondays because I have class after work. That way I can drive home instead of taking 2 hrs to get home via bart.

Someone suggested that I get parking for the days I come into work but I don’t think there is anything close enough by that it wouldn’t be a long walk. The walk to the bart train and from the train to work is shorter so it is actually easier to bart than to drive irregardless of traffic.

I may be crazy to do this, but I would go crazy if I didn’t.

I can stand on two feet. Without crutches. Woot!
The closest I got was yesterday while leaning most of my weight on a desk or something. Now it is fully unconnected to anything but the ground.

Yes, the foot is swollen to the edge of the cast. Maybe it is just numb instead of better. Still good.

We will see when walking can happen. Still slow and on both crutches.

I am back from the Weekend of Wedding. I was invited to Kevin and Rachel Fox’s wedding and I refused to miss it.

The wedding was wonderful and went off beautifully and I am so happy for them. What they put together and the amount of time they spend with everyone was amazing.

For me there were high points and low points and I learned a hell of a lot about how I deal with things.

The drawing of my broken bones on the side of my cast was a big hit. I didn’t think it would be enjoyed that much and I am very tickled.

I can move around a lot better than a few days ago. I got to try lots of different surfaces and situations. Some lessons learned:

• When falling, ditch the crutches and whatever else you might have on you.
• Piggy back hurts as much as doing it yourself but is less exhausting and faster.
• Bouncing on the bed on you back and the cast in the air is a great way to get from one side of the room to another.
• When homework is too easy, I fall asleep.
• It is all about me, and when it isn’t, I have a hard time adjusting (probably because I am in crisis mode most of the time).
• Putting the foot down hurts but a stork position lessens the pain.
• I like having people draw on me.
• Being social around strangers is hard.
• I am lousy at small talk because I tell stories and don’t ask detail questions about others until I know them better.
• I still want to make my crutches look cool but it is no longer a moral imperative.
• I need to cry a lot.
• I hate the feeling that comes with crying.
• I love having a nursemaid.
• It is hard to adjust to not having a nursemaid when I could still get away with having one.
• I am more interested in talking to people to build relationships than to entertain me in the moment.
• I love being unique in a way people like.
• I don’t need (or really want) all the spotlight, but seem to feel I need at least a little of it.
• Candy (mostly chocolate) is my friend.
• It is hard for me to eat right.
• It is hard for me to be willing to eat right.
• Mood-wise, I feel better after I broke my foot than I did before.
• I don’t like putting my foot up or having ice on it but it really helps.
• Like exercise, the benefit of reducing the swelling only lasts as long as you keep it up. You return to your previous state when you quit working at it. Bah.

This is an adventure. It is getting tiring as time goes on but I am learning a lot.
And I really like the bones drawn on the side of the cast and people’s reaction to them. I love my Zombie Toes and am sad that the bruising is clearing up. I feel that is a little twisted but that’s me.

Ok, now it f***ing hurts. The splint was fine but now that it is in the cast, I have started taking the drugs they gave me in the emergency room. The cast pushes against the broken and swollen bits and hurts like hell. Sleeping is bad. I start to move my foot because the position it is in hurts and then I realize I can’t move the foot inside the cast and the pain will follow me whatever I do and then I start to panic. It sucks.

I am guessing I was a little too excited about getting an old fashion cast to draw on. It is the thing that is hurting. It should get better once the swelling goes down. The problem with that is that when I have it elevated above my head, it hurts more and doesn’t feel right. My toes go numb and things start to sting. It feels better when I put it back down on the floor. It is a weight bearing cast and I can put a little of my weight on it but there is no way I can step on it for any amount of time.

It is interesting to find that the vicodine doesn’t do much. It helps a little with the pain. I am not sure what else is suppose to be good about it that people worry about taking it. The Motrin pretty much takes away all the pain and I think it is about as harmful as aspirin when it comes to addiction issues. I guess this is more of my body weirdness. The hallucinogenic drugs don’t do a thing to me but the smell of pot gets to me. It takes a lot of valium to affect me and it still isn’t enough but very little clonapan (same family, they gave it to me for my eyes) loops me out. Strong stuff = little affect, mild stuff = large affect. I am a statistical anomaly.

I am home again tomorrow. I have taken care of (mostly) the class I am trying to take and had to miss last night. I have Friday off for the wedding this weekend. I still need to go to the DMV to get a handicap placard which I will do when I close up the computer. Weeee

Still an adventure but it is wearing thin.

I usually don’t pay any attention to my ankles. I think that my legs are one of my best features but my ankles and feet are just normal. Until my ankle goes away. One time my ankles swelled to a point where it looked like my legs ran directly into my foot. It felt like it destroyed my best feature. How can my legs look good if they don’t end right? Since then, I have appreciated my ankles and their normalness.

Friday morning was another test of this. As I was leaving home, due to some distraction, I miscounted stairs in front of my place and fell. My ankle hurt like hell. I lay on the ground for awhile while I waited for the “oh my god…oh my god…oh my god…” to pass before deciding what I had done to myself. After the pain reduced to manageable levels, I went back inside to call work to tell them I would be late. I knew that much. I hadn’t decided if I just hurt my ankle and needed an ace bandage and head into work or if I needed to see a doctor. I made sure I could put my weight on it and move my foot around. Everything worked fine, it just hurt.

Typically if I damage myself, I don’t make a big deal out of it. I calmly tell someone I need to go to the hospital and if I have the energy, I am generally cracking jokes and playing around. I like making the emergency room staff smile. They treat me nicer. If I have hurt myself but haven’t done any serious damage, I tend to make a big display of it. It feels like the world is ending and I don’t know how to handle the pain. I end up looking like a drama queen but that is how it feels at the time. It is another one of those things where I am wired backwards.

Well, I couldn’t decide if I was playing this one up or playing it down. It seemed like I was in a middle ground. Once I got inside, I noticed that my jeans looked thick around my sore ankle. There must be swelling which would make sense. I got some ice out of the freezer and sat down. When I pulled the jeans up and looked at the hurt area for the first time, I freaked. I had a normal foot and the beginning of a normal ankle. Then there was this baseball that replaced the rest of my ankle. I knew that nothing had changed but I would need to see a doctor when I calmed down. The distorted ankle pushed my panic buttons and I proceeded to hyperventilate, sweat, feel faint, etc… the full freak out. I took some meds to take care of that reaction and called Kaiser.

I was directed to the emergency room because they have all the equipment that was needed to check me out. Ren_wench was a doll and picked me up. I didn’t have long to wait and there are a number of stories about the process including bouncing to the Xray rooms twice. It turns out I really did break myself. One of my leg bones has a tip broken off and I have a hairline fracture in the long bone on the outside of my left foot. I am currently in two splints with 4 ace bandages holding it all together. It doesn’t hurt but damn, the crutches and the muscle aches from trying to move around hurt a lot. I think that is what the drugs they gave me are for.

I get an honest to goodness plaster cast on Monday. I am going to see what I have to do to get a handicap placard while I am missing a foot and maybe a wheelchair. Capricious_k and fresne and I went to Michaels to see if we could get some stuff to make the crutches look cool (I don’t want normal typical crutches, yawn) and I was dead after a few aisles. I just don’t have the stamina for much distance on the crutches and standing in one place really hurts my right leg and hip. With the wheelchair, at least I could stop and rest if I run out of steam. I will be able to work since I have a computer job and sit for the day.

I have a hard time believing this is real. My foot likes sitting on the ground and just feels like it is swaddled. I feel like I could get up and walk into the kitchen. But I can’t. I have to consciously remember that I don’t have a usable left foot and that I have to pay attention to every step and movement with the crutches. If I want anything, I have to start for it ahead of when I need it. Very annoying. Especially since I live alone. I also can’t carry anything that I can’t hang from my fingers. I wanted a cup of tea outside in the courtyard with my book and that just wasn’t going to happen.

I must say I am very proud of how I feel when I hurt my foot. I landed upright and didn’t hurt anything else. No scratches, skid marks, or bruises. I do find myself falling over with the crutches a lot and that I don’t do so well because I don’t know what it is I am doing. It usually happens when I start moving at speed and am not paying 100% attention to my movement. Very frustrating.

Many blessings go to Ren_wench for the transportation and company to the emergency room and checking in on me later. Many blessings and more to Capricious_k and Fresne for coming over and putting my apartment to rights since it was fine when I could walk but a death trap for crutches. I hurt myself a couple of times doing strange contortions to avoid killing myself when I fell with the crutches on Friday. And blessings to Evil Mo for being my transportation on Monday to get my first real cast.

In some ways I am feeling better than I have in a long time. I feel more involved and connected. On the flip side, I have had low energy levels and reserves for a long time and I was delusional to think that having a broken foot would be no big deal. I actually was planning on attending the PEERS event on Sat since we had costumes all ready for it. At least currently it feels like an adventure instead of just one more thing weighing me down. I hope that feeling lasts.

I will say she (Sarah Palin) gives good Speech and she looks good while doing it. But it sends shivers through me.

I loved the America that I lived in the day after the Towers came down. People worked together. Differences were put aside. There was Unity even with all the differences the public embodies.

Then the Fear stepped in. The government started looking for ways to make America look strong. And we jumped into a “war” with Iraq. If you said you didn’t like the president or what the government was doing, you were labeled unpatriotic and that was a sin. If you didn’t support the “war” then you didn’t support the men and women fighting for your freedoms (question: how are they fighting for the freedoms in America if they are in Iraq? They are fighting for Iraq things, not America things). And many other things that I don’t like and don’t feel good about.

I feel that Obama is closer to the former than the latter. He seems to be a man that is interested in uniting people for the betterment of all. If you disagree with him, he will listen to your point of view and either explain why he thinks his is better or will change his mind.

Listening to the small bit of Sarah Palin’s speech, I saw that she was of the latter and there was no touch of the former. There was the feeling of returning to when America was the strong one on the global stage instead of America working with everyone else on the global stage. That talking with people that have issues with us is a bad thing and shows that we are weak.

There are a number of choices and attitudes of hers that I don’t like but I would point out that she has a right to those decisions and the consequences. I am fine with that. I don’t feel that she would allow me the same right to make my own decisions. That her values are the ones that will be enforced on everyone if she could.

Before her speech I was leaning toward Obama but wouldn’t be upset if McCain won. Now there is no way I would vote for the Republican candidate and it would hurt if McCain won. I am saddened that there are Americans that will vote the Republican ticket because the other choice is a Black Man, there is a pretty woman on the ticket, Obama’s middle name is Hussein, it is a way to get Family Values forced on the public, it is a way to bring Christianity into government.

I really dislike the spin the pro-republicans are putting on Obama. I have seen stuff written that compares him obliquely to Fidel Castro. There is all the silly internet rumors that scarily some people (especially my parent’s generation) actually believe hook, line and sinker. I don’t think I have seen anti-McCain spin like that out there. I will admit that could be because of where I live and the attitudes I am surrounded with. But it does seem like the Obama side is acting with integrity. And I love Paris Hilton’s approach.

Normally I try really hard not to get involved or know much about the presidential elections until right before the vote. If I don’t, I start to care and then it becomes a very emotionally charged trigger for me. Don’t expect me to be reasonable about this from now on. There is not really any room for debate anymore. This post is more to state my attitudes and where I am than to open conversations. I admire people like that probably because I am not a person like that. I can discuss things and work things out really well, until it becomes emotional. I will not argue.