Monthly Archives: November 2009


More appropriate place for this.
Flipping the schedule fantastic.

Flipped again. Up at 9am yesterday, sleep 11pm or midnight. Awake at 1:30pm. Moving for the first time now (4pm). Who knows when I will be going to sleep tonight.

Have a 5pm appt and still having trouble moving.

But man did it feel good to just lie there for hours. Drugged even.

Getting away with not living up to my potential, for now.

I have been trying out this facebook thing. I find I have a hard time limiting my statements to just short things. An idea comes to me that I want to share. Then it grows. So I am trying to take the expansion here.

Well, I have done it again. I am getting major kudos for something I feel I have done extremely poorly with. Not that I think I have done a bad job, I am good. Just the level of effort I have put in is sub-standard and would have gotten me fired somewhere else. Somehow I have gotten away with crap and smell like a rose, again. :/

I have fought with myself for over a month to do the program book for Loscon. Literally fighting and hiding my head under a pillow and not getting out of bed because there are things I should do to meet this commitment and I don’t feel I can face it. I have stayed off the internet for a complete day just because I didn’t want to have an email related to this project that I would feel I needed to do something about. I have flaked in a major way on some things. This is the thing that drives me nuts when other people do it to me so it really rubs me raw.

I don’t feel I have put it off because I have something else to do that is more important. I have just blown it off because I have felt like it and because of my issues with personal authority (telling myself to get up and get to work, to eat, to go walking, etc) I have avoided following through on some easy tasks. I do really believe if a supervisor/boss was aware of how I handled this, I would be fired without question.

This has really made me question if I would be able to hold down a job while I am pulling this shit. And I don’t feel I can control how I am handling this. Something inside me is messing with me and I don’t know what it is or how to work with it or how to get around it. In the past when my personal interest wasn’t enough to motivate me, I would set things up so I was doing it for someone else. Where as I can easily undermine myself, responsibility to extremal projects seems to automatically kick me into motion. This time it didn’t. And this really bothers me. My old systems aren’t working and I don’t know what to do about replacing them.

I got a kick in the butt this last weekend, sort of, when visiting my dad and the stuff that happened there. I have been more together in getting things done which is good. I am not sure if it is because of the events that happened when I was or away or because we have hit the edge of the deadline and that kicked me into motion. I sometimes do really really well when up against a deadline/under pressure.

I am still doing the stupid eating/not eating thing and sleeping at odd times. I was hoping the time away would help me reset my eating and sleeping schedule and build reserves again. Instead it showed me how poorly I do around people when in my current state, I used up more of the dregs of what reserves I had less and was no good for eating and sleeping habits.

I am glad that the people I am working with/for are happy with my work on the program book. It has come put better than I expected. I figure that it came together well because I am a professional and the way I do things has a certain quality to the process and this is where it is showing up. I can see the difference between what I would like it to look like and how it is and realize that others that aren’t trained the way I am wouldn’t see the differences. I am completely fine with it not being all it could have been. It is a choice I made and am comfortable with, if just a little disappointed that it isn’t my best work. (best work: hmmmm I never do my best work. I do really good work or poor work but I tend to not push to my best because I like having room to do it better if needed. I set my goals lower for this very reason. So in reality, for me Best Work = pretty good while playing it easy work.) I expected this program book to be good for a not-professional. I am surprised by how well it came together. There are always last minute problems and this one has surprisingly few issues at the point it has gotten. I feel some of this is because of the prep-work I put in and some of it is me being lucky.

The problem I have had is that my approach to doing the project has not been professional at all. And I have no reason for it not to be professional other than the depression and the stuff I am trying to figure out. I don’t see a way out of the depression and stuff at this time so I don’t know what I can count on and what I can’t. I have always been able to count on living up to the expectations of others when I have chosen to accept them. This time it didn’t work.

I was able to do some of the Hotel job for Silicon. As much as most people would expect for a volunteer. But it wasn’t what I wanted to do and what I wanted to get out of it. I am very glad that it was enough to make it worthwhile to have me as Hotel second. I am very sad I couldn’t managed to make myself do the level I know I am capable of and wanted to experience.

more whining behind the cut

Download of feelings and thoughts about a weekend with Dad and his event

Back from Clearlake and a visit with my Dad.

I was hoping for a nice nourishing visit. Got AFGO – Another F^*&^ Growth Opportunity. Painful but probably very useful.

I really enjoyed meeting and seeing his people again. He has employees/co-workers/people that call him Uncle Carl that come every year for what he has to teach them. It was a great experiment. Mostly the parts that didn’t turn out well were the parts I made the wrong assumptions about and ended up causing my own problems. It led to my dad (and his wife) and I detailing out where communication issues are and how we can address them in the future. This is a Very Good Thing (TM).

Left my meds behind and had to come home or go through the withdrawal issues and that is to be avoided as much as humanly possible. And it is nice to be home where I can take care of myself.

It was interesting to see people that have worked with the enneagram for the last 3-10 years and they are nowhere near what I do with it. They have it in their lives but they don’t dig with it and use it as a tool of change. They are still grasping at what the different types actually are like. But we can all speak enneagram-speak to each other. :) I am sad to not get to spend more time with them hashing things out.

I am feeling rather skin-less at this time. Anyone with a different opinion, different viewpoint can scrape me raw. It is so tiring trying to understand others and explain yourself without setting off their issues. I am so tired of running into other people’s defenses. I think the enneagram training I have has made it easier for me to see when people are being defensive and most people don’t recognize it. They don’t see it when they run into it and don’t see it when they do it themselves. I like my understanding but I feel like it is a little like Polyamory: Very rewarding and a lot of hard work and not everyone can handle it. It is a lot of hard work but it is so worth it when everything works.

Sometimes I am ashamed? embarrassed? annoyed? not sure what the word is but it also includes I am not happy with my family. I didn’t think I was all that liberal but it appears that I come from very conservative roots. And not the type of conservative I appreciate. My dad has his mind/guts made up and is not interested in seeing both sides. It is the sort of thing where I look at Fox News and shake my head wondering how people can actually believe these sorts of things, they are so illogical. My dad (and his wife) made some statements about Muslims and the basis of the Islam faith and supported it strongly with standard statements. Me, I don’t have pre-loaded facts about most things. I argue ideas and balance. They are very much not balanced. So I researched their “facts” and asked if they would like to know the context these facts came in. While my dad and I usually end up agreeing by the time we work our ways all the way through something, this time he felt he had his gut instinct and is uninterested in studying what he feels is not a good thing. This is how he ended up voting against giving gays “special rights” in Colorado in the 90s. My brother has a tendency to have similar political views. My mom has a foot on each side of the line. Compared to my family, I am a radical liberal even though I am on the conservative side of things in the Bay Area.

My dad doesn’t like the intellectuals that are running the government right now. As an intellectual, I have such a hard time with people that make up their minds based on what they are exposed to and don’t want the other half of the story. I also own up that I have my own issues that I have blinders on as well. The only saving grace I have on that one is that I own up to not having the other side of the story and don’t try to convince others that I am in the right. Argggg.

Religion, politics, my head hurts. And I don’t feel it should but this is how people work.

Day of boing – disapointments

Today ended up being rather full and I had some minor disappointments and whatever the name is of the same thing in the other direction. Negatives followed by positives.

Getting up – faced with lugging 10 hardbound library books on bart to SF / getting a call from Fennifer which woke me up enough that I remembered I am suppose to drive into the City today making everything a lot easier and faster.

Lunch with Jennifer – typical disappointment of only having one hour to hang together and she has to go back to work / She bought me lunch and I had a very good, healthy salad.

Tap plastics – they are thinking of closing down the vinyl section at this location. / I got the stick on vinyl I came in for and this time didn’t sweat the price ($2 a foot).

SF Library – Forgot it was closed for Veteran’s Day / City Center Farmer’s Market day, $1 per basket berries (end of day price) , got one basket of the best raspberries – True Gina Berries. They were divine. I got only one of the Gina berries because I knew I would attempt to eat all of them and I think they go bad over very little time. They become normal raspberries and then they start tasting of mold. I got two baskets of strawberries because I figured people would appreciate me giving extra strawberries.

Driving for Dinner with Grace – Since I needed to be in the City later I was planning on staying for dinner. But when I dropped of the food, I got “Thanks for driving, bye.” It could be they are used to the other two times I have driven, I leave and if I said something I probably could have stayed but it felt like not the right thing. Two women that used to live at the SRO were snuck a plate of food by the Father/Reverand and I asked them if they would like some strawberries. They got the spare basket. / I drove to where I was going next (downtown), found parking on the street and dosed in my car for an hour. I think I needed it. I was also parked in front of a really neat courtyard that I explored later.

Focus Group – I showed up early for the focus group and waited half an hour for it to start. At the start time, a woman came out and told us they always overbook the groups and called off the names of those that would be let in. I waited through everyone else’s name and mine wasn’t called. I was very sad. That listing of names and mine not being on it has some painful memories attached to it and I was very excited that they wanted my opinion on cheese. My attitude was I wanted to be part of the population that things are tailored to and you don’t even have to pay me. / They paid me anyway, I got to go home early, this didn’t could as participation so I am eligible to be on another focus group if one comes up that fits me.

So minor disappointment that had positive sides as well. The reason this is important to track is I typically don’t handle disappointments well. They were the same as pain. There is no difference. I have learned how to handle the little ones much better. I can be sad about something but it doesn’t hurt. It can just be a disappointment instead of an injury. Yay me!

The Gina Berries are the big score for the day. Yay Gina Berries!

Therapy for my birthday

For my birthday today, I have netted a visit to the therapist who gave me ding dongs, Suzie-Qs, Zingers, Ho-Hos, Egg Nog and cream filled donut and a call from my dad with and offer to come visit this week which turned into me spending next week with him in Clearlake. Still expecting a call from my mom in Bali later tonight.

The trip to the therapist was helpful. We didn’t talk about how I am feeling right now or how crappy I am doing which I was worried about. I felt like I was distracting to avoid dealing with it. But we untangled more about some long standing personal connection issues and why I do what I do in regards to others in my life. It has given me a feeling of calm that makes the other stuff much easier to handle.

Still scared
Still feeling the desperate need to avoid being responsible
Still not King

But I am not feeling as overwhelmed by it all.

It looks like I will be spending next week at a Worldmark resort attending a workshop that my dad is putting on about the enneagram and meaningful joy.

note: time has passed and I have come down from my good spot. Not as bad as yesterday or this morning but no longer the clear sailing that was before. I just want to curl up and tune out.

Happy Birthday to me

I am working hard not to have another Eeyore day. On today’s docket is an appt with my therapist and a phone call from my mom in Bali. It will be interesting to see if my Dad remembers to call this year since he felt so bad about forgetting last year. I found out from my brother that Dad forgets his birthday a lot.

Birthdays have reached the point where it is just the day that the odometer rolls over. Although at 44 I am looking at the “mid-life” crisis thing. I still have a hard time not thinking I am a girl. I seem to flip from girl to middle aged without anything in between. Guess I didn’t want to grow up badly enough as a kid that I skipped that part.

Tomorrow is lunch with Fennifer, a trip to Tap plastics for car decal stuff (it is Serenity’s birthday too), driving for Dinner with Grace, and a cheese focus group.
Thursday hopefully a visit with lebelleizzy.
Friday, Renwench is bringing dinner and hanging with me while I boil water.
Sat is an Alex gathering and the Pit of Scorpions.
Sunday begins the open no set plans time again.

The Keep Gina Social Project is working for the end of this week. It hasn’t done so well in the last couple of weeks. The nice thing about it is that I didn’t make it happen. Well, Weds was a little of me and then it took off on its own. It does have a tendency to rain/pour or go in droughts. I am still trying to learn how to have a steady stream rather than one extreme or the other.

Owning up to not doing well

On one hand, I have grown and developed and am full of awesome. I keep hearing my dad say that I am the healthiest he has ever know me. That is not something that would be easy for my dad to say so it has a lot of impact on me. I have managed to learn to deal with daily doses of stuff whereas I used to shunt anything hard onto what I thought was limbo but turned out to be a credit card that started demanding payment on the principle as well has the years of interest. I feel good about this. I managed to work around defenses, mine and others, really well. There is a lot that I have gotten so much better at that I can’t even describe.

But… cut for ease of clean up of the bleeding on my LJ

What is first about me

There is a profile question of what is the first thing people notice about you. I have seen a number of answers where people put in that they don’t know because they haven’t asked. I think I know but realized I honestly don’t have a clue if I am right or not.

So I put it to those of you that have met/seen me. What is the first thing that you notice about me?

Problem solving

This post by angelbob got me thinking about facts vs logic problem solving.

I LOVE problem solving. But I don’t like being forced to solve problems because it hurts so much to fail at it. I would rather not make the attempt. (This is a me issue.)

But there are different aspects to problem solving which I think are actually more fundamental and are really different types of problem solving.

There are questions on IQ tests (Mensa’s for example) that give you a series of numbers (or letters) and you are suppose to answer what is the next number. This strikes me as a process of digging around in your head for different relationships the given numbers have and trying out different models. There isn’t a way to “solve” this sort of problem if you have never seen the relationship or if you are not one that can leap to the right answer to try. Usually the samples don’t have anything in common so there is no method to get to a solution. I really don’t like these sorts of questions. I also find it sad that IQ is measured by these things.

My head doesn’t store facts much. Some of you might be laughing since you have experienced me having some random fact but really, considering all the things I have known, very few are still in my head. I don’t hold onto facts because it is hard and it makes it harder to learn something new. My motto is if I knew it once, it should be easy to learn it again. So facts and bits of knowledge sort of float around in my head until something hooks on one of them.

I like the logic questions. Suzie has 2 apples and lives next door to Tom. Gary has four oranges and works with Mary, etc. Once everything is laid out and the connections are known, then the problem solves itself. This is my sort of problem solving. It is also probably why I like Math so much.

When someone asks me a computer question (along the lines of how do I do… or why isn’t this working…) it feels really neat to be able to rattle off the answer because it is floating in my head. This doesn’t happen often or it does but only for really easy questions. Generally I ask them to send me a sample file and I poke at it. I have no idea what I am doing, I just know how to poke and interpret the results. When I think I have figured it out, I close the file and start from scratch. Then I show them how to do it without all the poking. I am delighted by having the correct answer off the top of my head because it is a novel feeling. I am not especially wow’ed that I figured out the correct answer because that is just normal to me. I do feel good when I am able to do it more than those around me because it means I have something to add to the party and I feel accomplished.

The type of problem solving I like is finding the pattern and figuring out the process. I like poking at things and making things unravel so that I can figure out how they work when they are put back together. I like working on things that need logic and have answers. I don’t care for the ones that you have to jump to some piece of knowledge to make things work. My head doesn’t do the jumping thing overly well.

I have found that high art design is not a place for me to be. I have found a niche with document creation/processing as a Presentation Specialist. Tell me what you want out of Office or Adobe’s Creative Suite and I can make things.

What other jobs would be good for my type of problem solving?