I have been trying out this facebook thing. I find I have a hard time limiting my statements to just short things. An idea comes to me that I want to share. Then it grows. So I am trying to take the expansion here.
Well, I have done it again. I am getting major kudos for something I feel I have done extremely poorly with. Not that I think I have done a bad job, I am good. Just the level of effort I have put in is sub-standard and would have gotten me fired somewhere else. Somehow I have gotten away with crap and smell like a rose, again. :/
I have fought with myself for over a month to do the program book for Loscon. Literally fighting and hiding my head under a pillow and not getting out of bed because there are things I should do to meet this commitment and I don’t feel I can face it. I have stayed off the internet for a complete day just because I didn’t want to have an email related to this project that I would feel I needed to do something about. I have flaked in a major way on some things. This is the thing that drives me nuts when other people do it to me so it really rubs me raw.
I don’t feel I have put it off because I have something else to do that is more important. I have just blown it off because I have felt like it and because of my issues with personal authority (telling myself to get up and get to work, to eat, to go walking, etc) I have avoided following through on some easy tasks. I do really believe if a supervisor/boss was aware of how I handled this, I would be fired without question.
This has really made me question if I would be able to hold down a job while I am pulling this shit. And I don’t feel I can control how I am handling this. Something inside me is messing with me and I don’t know what it is or how to work with it or how to get around it. In the past when my personal interest wasn’t enough to motivate me, I would set things up so I was doing it for someone else. Where as I can easily undermine myself, responsibility to extremal projects seems to automatically kick me into motion. This time it didn’t. And this really bothers me. My old systems aren’t working and I don’t know what to do about replacing them.
I got a kick in the butt this last weekend, sort of, when visiting my dad and the stuff that happened there. I have been more together in getting things done which is good. I am not sure if it is because of the events that happened when I was or away or because we have hit the edge of the deadline and that kicked me into motion. I sometimes do really really well when up against a deadline/under pressure.
I am still doing the stupid eating/not eating thing and sleeping at odd times. I was hoping the time away would help me reset my eating and sleeping schedule and build reserves again. Instead it showed me how poorly I do around people when in my current state, I used up more of the dregs of what reserves I had less and was no good for eating and sleeping habits.
I am glad that the people I am working with/for are happy with my work on the program book. It has come put better than I expected. I figure that it came together well because I am a professional and the way I do things has a certain quality to the process and this is where it is showing up. I can see the difference between what I would like it to look like and how it is and realize that others that aren’t trained the way I am wouldn’t see the differences. I am completely fine with it not being all it could have been. It is a choice I made and am comfortable with, if just a little disappointed that it isn’t my best work. (best work: hmmmm I never do my best work. I do really good work or poor work but I tend to not push to my best because I like having room to do it better if needed. I set my goals lower for this very reason. So in reality, for me Best Work = pretty good while playing it easy work.) I expected this program book to be good for a not-professional. I am surprised by how well it came together. There are always last minute problems and this one has surprisingly few issues at the point it has gotten. I feel some of this is because of the prep-work I put in and some of it is me being lucky.
The problem I have had is that my approach to doing the project has not been professional at all. And I have no reason for it not to be professional other than the depression and the stuff I am trying to figure out. I don’t see a way out of the depression and stuff at this time so I don’t know what I can count on and what I can’t. I have always been able to count on living up to the expectations of others when I have chosen to accept them. This time it didn’t work.
I was able to do some of the Hotel job for Silicon. As much as most people would expect for a volunteer. But it wasn’t what I wanted to do and what I wanted to get out of it. I am very glad that it was enough to make it worthwhile to have me as Hotel second. I am very sad I couldn’t managed to make myself do the level I know I am capable of and wanted to experience.
more whining behind the cut