For my birthday today, I have netted a visit to the therapist who gave me ding dongs, Suzie-Qs, Zingers, Ho-Hos, Egg Nog and cream filled donut and a call from my dad with and offer to come visit this week which turned into me spending next week with him in Clearlake. Still expecting a call from my mom in Bali later tonight.
The trip to the therapist was helpful. We didn’t talk about how I am feeling right now or how crappy I am doing which I was worried about. I felt like I was distracting to avoid dealing with it. But we untangled more about some long standing personal connection issues and why I do what I do in regards to others in my life. It has given me a feeling of calm that makes the other stuff much easier to handle.
Still scared
Still feeling the desperate need to avoid being responsible
Still not King
But I am not feeling as overwhelmed by it all.
It looks like I will be spending next week at a Worldmark resort attending a workshop that my dad is putting on about the enneagram and meaningful joy.
note: time has passed and I have come down from my good spot. Not as bad as yesterday or this morning but no longer the clear sailing that was before. I just want to curl up and tune out.
Dammit! One of these days? Going to figure out when your birthday is… can I have at least one more decade to get it right? I am, apparently, a slow learner.
((((((hug)))))))
I’d say “Happy Belated Birthday” – but I think all things considered “Woo! Yay you for making it around the Sun another orbit!!” might be a little more in line with your current stuff… plus, I know it will appeal slightly to that dark sense of humor that will make you sort of grimace with “why have I put up with her for this many years?”
Glad you are scared – it means you are mostly sane – it’s when you aren’t scared and you’re depressed that you have to worry.
((((hug))))
p.s. much more love to you than you’ll ever know or understand
I put up with you for all these years because you are you. Even in the crazy years when it wasn’t safe for me to be around you, you were still massively important to me and a treasured part of my existence. That is probably why when you were burning through friends I kept showing up. You mattered more than anything crazy thing you did. I just accepted it as part of you and waited til things calmed down again.
Until I started writing this out, I had actually forgotten how many times you ended up at odds with others and it was like water off a duck to me.
I am grateful you have finally gotten the life you have always deserved and what I would have wished for you. This is the version of Tia I always saw.
Yeah, a little weird for a reply to you comment but this stuff was here in this moment and I wanted to share it with you.