Free! Free at last!
Baycon was the end of a lot of stuff on my plate and it is finally all over. Yay!!!!
It is such a relief.
The Baycon weekend started really poorly. I dragged my feet on Friday and didn’t feel well so I slept at home. On Sat, I had my normal “I don’t wanna get up” trend added to not wanting to deal with what Baycon could be like. I was nagged to a point of actually grabbing stuff and heading south arriving at the con in the late afternoon.
Mostly I was in a really really pissy mood so I wasn’t too disappointed in not talking to people because I didn’t want to inflict them with my ‘tude. Slowly I was able to let go of the bad attitude I had and make room for some enjoyment. This was a very observational time for me. I feel I watched what was going on around me and how I reacted a lot this year. I have a post about it being written in my head that may or may not make it to the computer later.
I really ran myself ragged but not my normal way. I didn’t do my hyper-hyper mode, I didn’t go chasing after the cool kids, I ate a hell of a lot of sugar just to be able to deal, I tried really hard to eat regular food and I did do my typical sleep schedule of up until practically dawn and sleep until after noon if I can get away with it. Interaction with people was very good but this year, it wasn’t the high it was last year. I am still feeling like I don’t want to attend another con the rest of the year. The exception to this is Loscon of course. I don’t know why but those LA people always make me feel good and seem happy to see me. That makes me feel very warm inside.
I am glad I went. I am glad it is over. I love the final outcome of the work I did for the con. I think the placeholder page I designed for 2009 is even better than the entire site I designed for this year. The program book has some flaws but on the whole, it turned out very well and I am proud of it. I will probably ship one to my mom. Too bad it won’t fit on the fridge.
Had a good visit with mom.
Extremely exhausted as the vistee, I don’t know how she manages as the visitor.
Not productive in places I should be productive.
Found lots of really cool, neat, fabo, inspiring art.
Don’t wanna work, wanna make things.
Realize that the things I want to make are not appreciated by those I want to make them for. I need to learn to just let go no matter how neat the idea is.
Baycon will be fun (for some values of fun). I will get to see people I like and I will get a chance to hang out in an environment where I am part of the norm.
But I am really looking forward to it all being over so I can relax and rest.
A year ago, I could barely stand to talk to my mom.
Yesterday, I took the day off to pick her up at the airport and spend the day with her. We are getting along great. It can be tiring as I am testing recognizing and holding boundaries. I think we are doing a good job. I am really enjoying her visit and am already thinking it is sad she leaves tomorrow. I want more mom.
She is at my place cooking stew. I am looking forward to having mom leftovers to keep me company when she goes home.
She is not getting along with my brother. They were doing great when I wasn’t able to deal with her. There is no direct correlation but someone suggested it is the Law of Conservation of Relatives. We can only get along with one parent, one child at a time. I haven’t really talked to my dad much because it has been Tax season and he is a pain from Jan through May or so. This means I haven’t tested if he and I are going to butt heads because I am enjoying my mom so much. I am perfectly happy not testing the conservation of relatives.
But I do need some time off even if I don’t know what to do with it. I finished with the work I was doing for Baycon on Wed last week. Friday and Sunday were working on cleaning my apartment. Sat was sleeping and getting up at 9pm and messing with my sleep schedule which is getting to be a rather regular habit. Mom here this week and after she leaves it is time to go to Baycon. Everything is nicely spaced but I am not getting a lot of time to build reserves. I am not sure what I am going to do with myself after Baycon is all over. Guess it will be time to focus on my plans for going to Denver in Aug.
Depression is still around but these are good distractions from it. I am getting to work closer to on time but it is still a massive struggle and a major problem. I am eating and I am still consuming sugar. If I stop, I could just fall over or I could get a chance to rest. I don’t know which way it would fall. But I am moving through it and enjoying what I can.
My mom and I are even laughing together. That is so cool.
Well, we are have past the deadlines for my work for Baycon therefore things have kicked into high drama mode. I HATE HATE HATE this feeling and I deeply resent being put here. Things went blewie on Sat and I haven’t heard anything since. Leaving me in the dark is a bad thing to do. I get more and more worked up when I am missing information and am inclined to be less and less reasonable. I used to be very good at cutting my losses and walking away. Nowadays, that talent has been getting rusty but is looking like it will get a workout.
You would think I would have learned better by now. I do have one thing going for me. I wasn’t suppose to have to deal with the pain in the butt person again. Due to problems he created earlier, he ended up being in my chain of command and now I am dealing with the consequences of his choices. Grrrrr Arrrrr.
My buffer between the PITP (pain in the butt) has gone dark and I haven’t heard from him since Sat. He is an information sponge and absorbs info but doesn’t always let it leak back out. I have no idea what is going on with him. I assume he is all right but I am coming up with other ideas as to why I am being left in the dark. It isn’t pretty.
I do not deal well with emotional turmoil. My main defense against it is information and action. PITP had a rational reason for causing a month’s worth of emotional turmoil at the beginning of this process that ended up being a massive waste of energy, time, and drama. Now he is doing it again after I should be done with the whole damn thing. I understand why PITP is being the way he is, but that is no excuse for his behavior. AT the moment, I have no information and there isn’t any action I can take. I am left with the emotional turmoil that has been eating at me for two days now.
I have been put in the position of needing to say I am going to take my toys and leave. It would be really sad if this is what happens because I put a lot of work and creative sweat into it but I think I can live with it. I can always give my toys to someone else who would appreciate them.
Note: black_reaver noted that PITP should end in B if it were a correct abbreviation. For some odd reason, I like PITP better than PITB. tsgeisel gave me a way to keep PITP and make it accurate in both letters and content. From here on out, PITP means “Pain In The Posterior.”