Some male friends of mine in an anime group would bitch and moan about girls that they would ask out and would get the reply of “Let’s be friends.” Their main complain was that while they were ok with that concept it always turned out that the girl would then start avoiding them and not be a friend. The guys would bitch and moan about why the girl couldn’t just say what she meant, that she didn’t want to be around a guy anymore once she found out the guy was romantically interested in her.

So this came out as “Let’s be friends” is a lie and should never be said. I felt bad about this because I was a girl and friends with these guys and I would want to continue to be friends. I felt that due to their anger (which was justified) they were painting things with too broad a brush.

Then, years later, a friend told me he was interested in me. He is from out of the country and so I went out of my way when he would visit the area. He took this to mean I was possibly interested in him. I had no interest in him beyond being a friend. And so Let’s be friends was the solution. And I thought I was good with that. I had no problem being a friend. At that time.

And after he left and time went on, I thought about it. I looked back over the couple of years of our friendship and saw things in a different light. He would send me things from his home country and that was fine for a friend but they felt wrong if they were because he was interested in me. Things started feeling uncomfortable and when I thought of him I would get uncomfortable. I started being very careful about what I would say or do in regards to him.

I stopped wanting to be a friend because I was no longer comfortable. He really didn’t change or do anything different. It was all in how I perceived things.

I turned into one of those girls that said Let’s be friends and then wasn’t. I wanted to explain to the anime guys that the girls weren’t lying to them. When they said it they meant it. They weren’t saying a little white lie so as not to hurt the guy’s feelings. But over time, it turned into a lie. And there doesn’t seem to be any way to bring it up latter on that isn’t just a smack in the face.

“Oh by the way, you know how I said Let’s be friends? Well I have changed my mind. I am too uncomfortable around you and can’t be friends anymore.” This is not something anyone wants to start a conversation with or hear. There was a time for it and it passed when the feeling of friendship was still there.

I am sad to say, I ended up drifting away from this friend without a word. I honestly don’t know how I would handle it differently with him. He wasn’t a close friend, more like part of a circle of friends I saw at cons. I stopped going to those cons and had to drop a lot of those friends.

I have a theory to try. When an occasion comes up where I am aware that this might be a possibility, I mention it and say it is ok to have a change of heart on either side. I am thinking this leaves an opening for later discussion and a peaceful parting instead of just disappearing. Or maybe even letting the other person know that disappearing will be interpreted this way. Kind of an agreement on how to handle it if it comes up.

I have still to test this theory. I had one guy that admitted he was interested in me and said it was his problem because he knew I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend. That made me feel safe and good and ok to do stuff with him. Two weeks later we were dating. Turns out I am a sucker for being cared about and this guy was on my list of possibilities. That wouldn’t happen with the guys that don’t make the list.

I have been on the other side where I was the interested party. When I would check in with him on if we could still be friends (because his friendship was very important to me), he would say he liked me and wanted me around and to know give up on him. Over the next two years since I haven’t heard from him outside of running into him at con when he is working, I think I have finally figured I have been Let’s be friends-ed and have started the process of letting go of wanting that friendship.

I did have another male friend that I was somewhat gaga over that wasn’t interested in me. I wasn’t his type, but he enjoyed my friendship. We would talk about it now and again but we were able to remain friends. That blew up for different reasons I believe since it was over 8 months later when things went down hill.

A lot of how my theory will work will have to do with how honest you can be both with others and with yourself.

Extroverted 73% Introverted 21%
Sensing 32% Intuition 68%
Thinking 79% Feeling 21%
Judging 21% Perceiving 79%

Usually I tend to be closer to balanced on the Extroverted/Introverted scale but tend towards E.
I think I always am Sensing (N)
Thinking should always be more than Feeling. I hate feeling but am working on balancing that out more.
I think I can flip on Judging and Ferceiving. I am rather surprised that Judging isn’t higher.

So ENTP sometimes ENTJ? The NT is me.

The site says that ENTJ are natural born leaders. Guess that’s why I am not a ENTJ.

This is the third day in a row that I am taking pain meds for the fact that my head hurts and anything moving on my screen (like animated gifs) makes it hurt worse. I know it is related to my neck and back and tension there. If anything it got worse after the ergonomic evaluation.

I have a new chair but the arms are driving me nuts. They are due to come off but I don’t know when. And of course when you go through an ergonomic eval you tend to try to sit up more afterwards and do exercises to help with keeping yourself upright and I think that is adding into the pain of it all.

Then again, maybe the fact that pretty much every night for the last two weeks I eat either chocolate pudding or chocolate cake might be part of it. I feel I need the numbness it brings about and I use it as an enticement to actually go home and eat. Sometimes other things get added sometimes they don’t. More real food is getting added as time goes on so this is good.

Hmmm I was just going to rant about my neck causing me head to hurt and while writing this I remembered the sugar issue. Guess it is a good thing to rant once in a while.

I think I have figured out why I am having such a hard time with getting out of bed in the morning. I keep doing things that are like picking at a scab or rebandaging a wound, things like ending part of a relationship because it is hurting, dealing with issues that someone else has turned into high drama, confronting a friend that has let me down to work things out, poking at personal weaknesses, etc. All of these things are healthy things and lead to better results but they hurt a lot in the meantime.

When I am out and about in my life, this is what I am filling it with so no wonder my subconscious wants to keep me in bed where I would be safe. I may be miserable, sick and unemployed but I am safe.

I was describing my revelation about my getting up in the morning problem to a friend and she asked me why don’t I do anything for fun anymore. I realized that I am not doing much of anything that is really enjoyable to me. It seems more a factor of me not being interested than there not being anything interesting happening. I seem to be drawn to the painful things as the only things worth putting energy into. They are the only things that have any juice. The only other things I do are to numb me out like reading and watching TV.

I would love to do something I was excited about that didn’t hurt. To be wrapped up in something that just feels good. I would love to lose myself in something wonderful but I realize that pretty much leads to a harder fall when it doesn’t work. I think I had a dose of wonderful around baycon with little visits to it since then but everything that I can think of that was good has turned sour and either don’t exist anymore or are sources of pain. I have left over rocks of pain from before then as well.

I don’t look at the pain as a bad thing. It isn’t like touching a burning stove and needing to pull a hand back immediately. It is like having burnt a hand in the past and being sensitive to heat, touching a warm hot water bottle and learning that the pain that is felt isn’t real. The sources that are hurting me are things I need to work through and I think are worthwhile doing. Some make sense why they hurt, others are my reactions to past hurts.

But, if I were a hurt little girl locked up inside of me seeing the one in charge of her doing things over and over that only result in more pain, I think I would do whatever I could to undermine that control too.

I wish I could figure out something that would feel good and be safe. That little girl deserves to have her concerns heard and resolved. I just have no idea how to do that. These things that are sources of pain are important to me and aren’t something I can just let go of. This process of growth is important to me and I am going to keep going on it. I would like a way to protect her and me, make us safe without needing to sacrifice the growth.

ABC is doing a four episode anthology series called Masters of Science Fiction. It starts August 4th 2007. I am looking forward to this one too.

Another one of those ‘why haven’t I heard this elsewhere?’ things.
July 28 on the SciFi channel Adam Baldwin and Morena Baccarin are staring in a movie called Sands of Oblivion.

Yeah it is a SciFi channel movie and so I doubt it will be any good but it will be a little bit of Firefly goodness none the less.

This one I did check out and it doesn’t look like a repeat. IMDB has it as still in post-production with a release date of March 2, 2007. SciFi.com says it is a world premire.

Oh TiVo….I have a job for you.

I am learning how to deal with pain. To allow it into my life instead of avoiding it at all costs. There are things that make dealing with the pain worthwhile.

Something that is very hard for me to deal with is sitting in the pain, of not having a solution to be moving towards, of needing to wait. Time for me moves very fast and it can seem endless when pain is added to the equation.

The spot of drama that had been put on hold finally got resolved yesterday, a month after the drama and a week more than when it was promised. And it turned out to be exactly what I and those that I have been talking with think it should have been from the beginning. Why the hell did we have to go through this?!?!?!?!? The person that created the problem wasn’t even there for the solution so they will probably not be happy with the end results any more now than they would have any time since the original explosion.

I was happily scooting along on a wave of enthusiasm making pretties for those that wanted them and Wham! smack into a wall. I think I understood what the problem was and it made sense. I pulled out my caring understanding self and tried to apply first aid. This drama inflicted person wouldn’t have anything to do with it and basically created enough of a problem that everything came to a halt and I had to start letting go and backing out. So much velocity had to be dumped that I don’t really want to get involved again. There are things I am willing to do but they will now take work instead of the effortless pouring of product that was going on before.

It was probably good to give the drama person time to cool off, we will see if it did any good. It was probably good for me to put up some more boundaries and to stop going at full speed like I was before. I think someone was taking notes so not all the ideas will have been lost.

Some of us were ready to do battle and had a variety of alternative plans ready to move forward. Other things came to a complete standstill because it was too frustrating trying to work on something with things up in the air like they were. It contributed to depressions in at least two people and killed something neat that would have been unheard of in Baycon history. And when the powers that be finally talked it out, it all fell in line with how I think it should have been at the beginning.

I have accepted that pain can sometimes be useful and can sometimes be the price you have to pay for things to happen. I sat in this mire of pain resulting from someone else’s issues and their way of dealing with it for a month and far as I am concerned there was no reason for it. I tried to help them so this would not be a make it or break it issue for them and I don’t see anything that waiting did for the problem that will change it. This feels like a f**@$#King waste of all that pain I had to deal with!!!! Why did we have to go through this?

This started as a rant and turned into something very personal and very long. I am cut tagging it for those that aren’t in the mood for something serious or those that aren’t ready to treat this with a great deal of respect. This is a flow from my fingers and I have not gone over it for editing other than spelling. It took an hour just to get it all out of my head and in text. I am too worn out to edit it to make more sense and say what I truly mean and right now I don’t want to see it again.

I am actually posting this instead of just keeping it for my own education for a few reasons: I don’t write for myself so the intension at the beginning was to post this and if I don’t I will probably write less; it will let people know what is going on with me and might explain some things; and people have expressed that they appreciate me posting things because it has helped them with their stuff. The last is probably the one that is most important to me and the main impetus for me making this public.

I HATE people

I enjoy being marked. I like being able to see the marks from my lover when I am getting dressed or showering. I will stare at the mark and smile thinking of the one that left it and the circumstances.

The big limit I have is that it can’t be visible during normal work hours. Areas that are covered with clothes are open for marking.

I don’t like to have to deal with attitudes of others when they see the mark. Friends aren’t too much of a problem but the people I work with and interact with on a daily basis. They aren’t my type of people and I see no reason to give them this type of personal information.

I have a very sensitive system. I can feel (smell, taste) things that most people ignore. I have a very low threshold of pain. It is very easy to over stimulate me. After a while, when stimulation turns to overstimulation, the affected areas just turn off and it becomes only touch.

That means when I am being fingered or penetrated it will feel good at the beginning but I wear out and it starts to feel just like I was being touched anywhere else on my body. It doesn’t feel sexual. This is why I actually prefer things to move along rather quickly once that point has been reached.

I like to be teased. The feel of clothes being moved out of the way, slightly askew, pulled on.

Touched lightly feels delightful.