When I am the taking the reasonable role in a relationship drama, I can feel a difference inside of me. It is like I am swallowing part of my ego. It is almost like I am addicted to it right now, I can’t help myself, I want to be the one that brings the middle ground to the argument and bring everyone back to the center and workable. I want to see everyone’s side and mix up the info so everyone is working from the same pages.
But I feel I have indigestion from all the stuff of my own I am swallowing. On one hand I feel good and I like the results. On the other hand I feel so tired and weary and sick of it all. But I dive in and dig more of it up.
I have an offer of a shoulder to lean on and I so want it. I want it badly. But the one offering, while I care for him, just doesn’t grok me and I end up fighting what he thinks I need to get what I really need. It turns into another case of needing to be reasonable and because of our very different ways of viewing things the translation programs are not worked out and I get so frustrated. I end up allowing myself to be open enough and vulnerable enough to want/need a shoulder to lean on, fighting for who I am and what I am and so very frustrated at the hole process and feeling the need to lock myself inside myself again.
I am so very tired. It is easy to do things with a clear path. In some ways taking care of others is easier because then I am not involved and I can do it all outside of me. Or there is the option of excluding others and being focuses completely on me. Trying to be rational and juggling those leads to trouble as well.
Tired, just tired. In the past I would crawl into a hole and hide but I find that doesn’t suit me nowdays. I want the connection too much to close myself off to take care of myself. Guess I am learning to do things in a new way and this is the growth process. Part of me wants to say it sucks, another part of me wants the results it is producing badly.
I could use a pat on the head and a “there there”
*hug*
there, there.
thank you, actually helps.
/pat
*there there*
It’s not always comfortable being the reasonable one – I’m that way because I can’t see any other way to be. I can’t imagine trying to force yourself into that role.
Good luck.
Your natural skill set would be good for this. The thing I have that you don’t is probably the stir things up, making it look worse to begin with, until everyone knows where everyone else is coming from and it is now a homogeneous state instead of the lumpy concoction it started as.
I just wish I know how to drain off this weird off center feeling I have after doing all this work. It doesn’t feel right and seems to be bordering on a headache.
And I know I need boundaries. I might be overloaded already. I just have no idea where to place them. Especially since I see how just a little more would be good, and from there a little more would be good, etc… as I walk across the trench warfare of France and Belgium.
Thanks for the pat and support. it is counting big at this time.
I hear you! I’m “tired of being the reasonable, rational one” as well. I’ve been tired of being “the strong one” for years. Don’t know why so many people can’t grow up and act like adults.
I hope you have less drama in your life soon.
The thing is I know exactly why they can’t be the reasonable ones. They haven’t learned how to yet. I can see what they are facing and why they can’t move in a positive direction unless I help them along. Ergo, I am the reasonable one instead of the one that gets to throw the tantrum.
I am sure I have my tantrums but I don’t know if there are others out there that know more than I do to hold my hand (other than my therapists and I pay them for that service). It could be that I gathered my friends who were on my same level and then I took one step up. Or it could be I can’t tell when I am getting the help I provide others so it feels one sided. Or it could be I don’t actually like it when others do it to me so I put myself out of their reach.
It seems like when someone has the same level of reason as I do, then an end sum of nothing results. Which is good. We exchange ideas and either it seems logical to agree or we agree to disagree. There is a lot of that and that is good.
But when I am hip deep in helping others get out of the mud, where is the one that helps me? I figured I have to learn not to get so much mud on me when helping that I don’t need help for myself.
You adding the “strong one” is interesting. It made me think. I don’t think I am not the strong one, more like I am the resilient one. If people try to lean on me, I collapse under them and move to the side and then poke it again.
Ok.
[pats head] [says "there there"]
Best of luck with the continuing new paradigm. We really should get together some time to lament the trials and tribulations of being reasonable and bridging communication gaps in interpersonal relationships. I too have been fighting the desire to tantrum — wanna swap tantrums?
Reading this post oddly makes me feel better. It reminds me I’m not the only one to feel frustrated with having to be reasonable and responsible and do “all” the work when trying to un-fubar communication in interpersonal relationships. Silly addictive obsession with self-improoovement. *snerk*
Odd question: What are some of your recipes for “Gina Glue”?
Hitting a point where I am looking for ways to repair hurt feelings when an emotional response is inappropriate and ignoring emotional pain is unhealthy. Looking for ideas on how to design duck-tape.
One of the reasons I post these highly personal and very exposed things is because others find them useful. Makes them realize they are not alone, gives them something to think about, explains someone they know, gives a different point of view, entertains them, whatever. If someone finds it useful, this makes me very happy and makes me feel like posting this stuff is the right thing to do. (Someone I know suggested that I shouldn’t expose my friends to how badly I am doing by posting publically because it makes them worry. It was in regards to facebook but I figured I should play it light on fb and save the “meaningful” stuff for here. Having my brother and SIL on fb helps reinforce my idea.)
I am very glad it made you feel better. Seems like a wired backwards thing but it is true.
I would trade you tantrums but I don’t know what mine are. Everything is globbed up inside. The feeling I get is that I am emotionally constipated. I don’t know if I have written that anywhere or not. It doesn’t help that I can’t let go of the feelings because I am afraid I will lose them and I will be just like I was before. *snerk*
I think you are going to have to give me a definition of what you mean by Gina Glue? If I am reading between the lines correctly, what I do when someone else is hurting I talk with them and let them know that I am really listening to what they are saying, that I really care, and I am present. I then pay attention to what they need and give them as much of that as I can. And I can’t avoid giving advice which may not be appropriate at that time but it is so much my nature I don’t seem to be able to help it.
Of course you are trying to figure out how to design duck-tape. You can’t be bothered to go to the store and buy some, you have to work from scratch and create your own.
If you do a steampunk outfit, it is going to be of the mad scientist variety, isn’t it?
I wouldn’t mind a get together to either share war stories or to just be in the company of someone else that comes with their own tools to build communication gap bridges. Those things go up quicker when there are more than one person working on them.
Nice to hear from you.