This is a bit of a rambling post.

For lunch, I decided I should get out of the office so I took a walk. I was wearing my rain cape (here is a picture of it and my rain hat from the first time I wore it to work) and feeling like a freak but insisting to myself it didn’t matter because it is Cool to have this neat portable tent. I believe my rain cape is really cool, I just don’t expect the “normal” people out there to appreciate how cool it is and I am surrounded by “normal” people.

I got three comments on it in the hour I was walking around downtown SF. The first guy had a big grin on his face and just said “Zorro.” I was glad for the acknowledgment but felt it being considered a costume was about right for what I expect from “normal” people. Then an older (50s) very normal looking woman complemented me on it and asked where I got it. She was disappointed that it was a Halloween find and she wouldn’t be able to find one now. A pan handler told me I had a cool cape and said he wished he could trade with me. He had a decent coat but it isn’t my cool cape.

I found it was really hard to accept these positive reactions to my cape. I had to force myself to acknowledge that they were something positive and that it would be a good idea to reply. In some ways, I accepted the compliment to be nice to the other person rather than because they were being nice to me. I have tightened up so much to defend myself lately, that I have a hard time letting the good things in. I realize that it is bad to be so defended that the good can’t get to me but right now, I need to be. My back has been hurting for weeks and I can’t seem to sit at work to not make it worse. I either have one leg bent up against my chest or both legs. I can’t keep both feet on the floor for very long. I need to curl to protect. Even when I am the only one here, like today.

I walked over to the area behind the Metreon where there are two finger labyrinths. I worked my way through one of them and then sat and enjoyed the sound of rain on my hat. I need to do that more often and I am glad I took the time and effort to do it today.

I managed to make it through the Xmas holidays intact. I had a delightful time at jadecat9‘s Orphan’s Xmas and enjoyed spending the next day with fresne even though physically I was headed down hill. My original plans for the Xmas holidays was to spend as much time as possible drunk (which for me means eating sugar) and watching videos and movies. I watched most of season one of Sex in the City, misc TV shows, The Crow: Salvation and Ella Enchanted. I managed to consume two servings of tiramisu, most of a german chocolate cake, and swigs of really good eggnog over the week leading up to Xmas. I was thinking by the end of the week I would be willing to actually try alcohol again but I needed to be functional to go to the Orphan’s Xmas that I couldn’t afford to try it. Things turned out well that I didn’t want to try it. I think my time with sugar is about up. The headaches are starting to show up again. For a while there, I was getting pleasantly buzzed. I could go to bed and stare at the lights on the ceiling and drift off with a grin on my face after the tiramisu.

Ah, living the examined life. Watching yourself do things that are not the smarted things to do but knowing that you need to do them at this time. It was easier when I didn’t know what I was up to. But I am not choosing to take the easy route. Don’t really know why right now but that has been my choice. I can never go back.