I thought I had posted about this but it looks like I forgot or it was a fb thing and didn’t make it here. note: Bwaaahaaahaaa. Guess something in me decided that I needed to post about it again. I didn’t realize the clean floor post, just one just before this one, included the panic attack.

A friend helped me do laundry (7 loads) and two weeks later helped me put it away. While doing the washing and drying, I had a number of times I would start to go into a panic but I was able to stop, get my breathing slowed down and physically pull myself back from the edge. Very proud of myself.

During the two weeks between times she could help me, I would look at the pile of clean clothes and feel like I was just avoiding putting them away by waiting. I am very glad I waited.

Turns out that as I was hanging shirts in the closet, I started having trouble breathing and staying calm. I kept pushing because damn it, all I was doing was putting away clean clothes. Where is the problem with that. Besides, I managed to pull myself back from a panic when doing the washing part and that is harder to face. Nope. I am not sure but I think I hit a full on panic attack. Didn’t really recognize it as such until my friend said something that reminded me I had drugs that could help. I took one and then went ahead and gave myself room to not push it any more. I ended up crying so hard on her shoulder and I am not really even sure how I got to that point.

I am walking somewhere dark inside and I don’t have a clue what it is related to. I am pretty sure it has nothing to do with my clothes are the amount of them but that did manage to push the button. My clean floor is cluttered again. Seems it feels safer to me even though my head wants it picked up. Also, I haven’t made the final efforts to make the bed usable again. More putting something off again. Don’t know if it is for the same reason but it looks the same from this angle. I think it is too big for me right now. Too much space and too orderly even though it is covered with stuff.

Ah the joys of living inside this head. At least now that I am watching what is going on, I do find it interesting.